I\u2019m lying here on the bathroom floor, feeling the cool tile beneath my cheek, moaning just a bit, typing one-handed and sideways, and rethinking my life.<\/p>\n
Motherhood, specifically pregnancy, is not for the faint of heart.\u00a0 There is no way of predicting, until you get here, whether you will be the lucky duck with no symptoms or if you\u2019re going to spend countless hours in the bathroom on your knees.\u00a0 (Quick question\u2026does moaning \u201cOh\u2026G*d\u2026\u201d between retches count as prayer?\u00a0 If so\u2026score!)\u00a0 I\u2019m the unlucky kind.\u00a0 I\u2019ve fallen asleep many times with my face resting on the toilet seat, completely exhausted.<\/p>\n
Earlier today, I was lying here and remembering my first pregnancy and my first encounter with morning sickness (and that name is a complete lie.)\u00a0 I was violently ill with #1 in ways I was unprepared to be.\u00a0 I quickly dropped 23 pounds from an already skinny frame, and would fall into bed near comatose to sleep for 30+ hours straight.\u00a0 It was near the end of the first trimester, when I finally got in to see the OB (who wouldn\u2019t see patients\u00a0 fewer than 12 weeks along).\u00a0 She looked at the clearly very ill 21 year old that I was and said, \u201cLet\u2019s discuss termination.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was stunned.\u00a0 I was a poor college student, but was in love with my baby\u2019s father with whom I was living. (We got married when I was 4 months along\u2026.we weren\u2019t religious at all yet\u2026.if you have to judge, please do it quietly.)\u00a0 \u201cYou are risking your health,\u201d she said to me in a matter of fact way.\u00a0 \u201cYou are a young woman with years ahead of you for having babies.\u00a0 Why this<\/i> baby?\u00a0 Why now?\u00a0 Why not walk away from all of this until you are healthier and in a better place?\u201d\u00a0 (For the record, I wasn\u2019t un-healthy<\/i> except for the morning sickness\u2026\u2026morning\u2026.Hah!)<\/p>\n
I sat quietly and pondered her suggestion.\u00a0 Nobody even knew about the pregnancy except my fiance, and to tell the truth he wasn\u2019t exactly thrilled by the whole thing happening before the wedding.\u00a0 Neither was I, really, that\u2019s why I had been on the Pill.<\/p>\n
I pondered her suggestion for a few days.\u00a0 I was more favorable to it the longer I spent on the bathroom floor.\u00a0 I just kept coming back to the sound of that heartbeat, loud and fast, I\u2019d heard in the exam room.\u00a0 Whatever it<\/i> was, it was alive and its living was what was causing my puking.<\/p>\n
My sweetheart came home to find me in a half-delusional state.\u00a0 I raised my head and looked at him through blurred vision and said, \u201cGod help me, but if after all of this, the kid\u2019s a brat\u2026I\u2019ll wring its neck myself.\u201d Then I passed out.\u00a0 (See? Loving mom right from the get-go.)<\/p>\n
Here I am again today, lying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, thinking I need to mop more often, that perhaps a shower might be nice, and that if this kid\u2019s a brat\u2026..I\u2019ll\u2026..love it anyway.\u00a0 (Don\u2019t get me wrong, this is definitely going to be used for Mom-guilt.\u00a0 \u201cI threw up for 4 months straight when I was pregnant with you\u2026and you can\u2019t even clean your room when I ask?\u201d)<\/p>\n
I learned something during my first stay on the bathroom floor.\u00a0 Life is precious. Always.\u00a0 The trials and discomforts of motherhood may seem insurmountable or just plain not worth it, but then come the moments that make it worth every expense.\u00a0 Like the 4 year old who just brought me a cup of cold water because \u201cI love you, Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n
I would love to be able to go back to 1996 and find that kindly doctor who tried so hard to counsel me in my \u201coptions\u201d.\u00a0 I\u2019d say to her, \u201cThis is what parenthood is.\u00a0 It\u2019s willingly sacrificing myself for the love of my children.\u00a0 It\u2019s offering my comfort and well-being for their own.\u00a0 It\u2019s living through moments of great pain because my love for them eclipses it.\u00a0 I might be able to have other babies, but I don\u2019t know how I\u2019d ever live without the life and happiness of this <\/i>one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2026and somehow that seems like a fitting thing to be thinking as we approach the Triduum and celebrate the love of a parent who said the same thing about us.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019m lying here on the bathroom floor, feeling the cool tile beneath my cheek, moaning just a bit, typing one-handed and sideways, and rethinking my life. Motherhood, specifically pregnancy, is not for the faint of heart.\u00a0 There is no way of predicting, until you get here, whether you will be the lucky duck with no […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-656","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n