I\u2019m frequently asked what I\u2019ll miss the most about Oklahoma.\u00a0 I smile and say all of the socially acceptable things they expect me to say.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll miss our family.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIt will be tough to leave such great friends.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cOur life has been here, so it will be interesting<\/i> to have to start it over.\u201d<\/p>\n
I never tell the truth.\u00a0 It\u2019s breaking my heart.\u00a0 I\u2019m leaving my babies.\u00a0 We have two children buried in this state.\u00a0 One who was miscarried and one who was stillborn.\u00a0 The baby we had named Noah is buried beside his great-grandparents.\u00a0 Leaving him is easier because he is not alone and forgotten.\u00a0 The Computer Guy\u2019s family still attends services at the Lutheran church right next door.\u00a0 Our boy is with family.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But our Bernadette\u2026.our daughter\u2019s body is buried in a small Catholic graveyard where there is no longer any church.\u00a0 The only people who go there go to clean the graves of their relatives, as I have done for her many times.\u00a0 We have wonderful friends living near there who stop by from time to time and clear off her headstone, but they are moving a few months after we do.\u00a0 She will be alone among strangers.<\/p>\n
I know that it is just her body and that her soul has gone on.\u00a0 I try to tell myself that we will be reunited someday, that I will see her sweet face again.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter to me.\u00a0 Tending her grave is all the mothering I\u2019ve ever done for our girl.\u00a0 Pulling weeds, wiping off dirt and planting a few flowers are all I will ever get to do for her.<\/p>\n
My baby is buried here.\u00a0 In leaving Oklahoma, I am having to walk away and leave her behind again.\u00a0 I did it once on a hot day in July after her father placed that achingly small casket into the Oklahoma soil.\u00a0 The only time he held her in his arms was in a box at her burial.\u00a0 The only time I tucked her in was to drop dirt on her casket.\u00a0 This is all of her that we will ever have in this life. <\/p>\n
Life is for those who are still living it, and moving to Texas is best for our family.\u00a0 I can accept that as fact.\u00a0 But how do we leave them?\u00a0 How do we leave her?\u00a0 How do we abandon Bernadette?<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019m frequently asked what I\u2019ll miss the most about Oklahoma.\u00a0 I smile and say all of the socially acceptable things they expect me to say.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll miss our family.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIt will be tough to leave such great friends.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cOur life has been here, so it will be interesting to have to start it over.\u201d I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n