A very sweet reader, Katie, asked about my good relationship with my in laws.\u00a0 She asked \u201cHow long did it take? I\u2019m having an extremely hard time with it all. I feel like there is so much tension when it comes to parenting Ethan. I don\u2019t understand how to fit them into our lives. I\u2019m definitely unlike them and it feels like we\u2019re always clashing. I just don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Katie, a bit of advice from someone who\u2019s been married a while and is now part of a close family.\u00a0<\/span><\/span> 10.\u00a0 Be polite.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care what they say or do, there is no excuse for rudeness or snarkiness.\u00a0 You\u2019re better than that.\u00a0 Be nice.<\/span><\/span> A very sweet reader, Katie, asked about my good relationship with my in laws.\u00a0 She asked \u201cHow long did it take? I\u2019m having an extremely hard time with it all. I feel like there is so much tension when it comes to parenting Ethan. I don\u2019t understand how to fit them into our lives. I\u2019m […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-890","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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1. This is real life; it\u2019s not a fairy tale.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to remember this, because we all have fantasies of girls\u2019 lunches and how wonderful those holidays with the babies will be.\u00a0 They\u2019ll love our children and the glow of that will spill over onto us.\u00a0 When that doesn\u2019t happen, it\u2019s easy to feel as though you are loved only for certain parts of your anatomy.\u00a0 I have a friend who refers to herself as the \u201cfamily uterus.\u201d\u00a0 The glow that lights up the world of her husband and children never quite makes it over to her.\u00a0 You can be bitter and angry or you can learn to deal with it.\u00a0 Make the decision to deal with it, it will save you a lot of time and heartache.<\/span><\/span>
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2.\u00a0 Never complain about your husband to his parents.\u00a0 It\u2019s important, so I\u2019ll repeat it Never complain about your husband to his\u00a0 parents<\/b>.\u00a0 They don\u2019t care about all of the things that he does that are annoying.\u00a0 All they hear is that either you think they did a bad job raising him, or their little boy lives with a woman who doesn\u2019t appreciate him.\u00a0 You have friends.\u00a0 They\u2019re not your mother in law.\u00a0 There\u2019s a reason for that.<\/span><\/span>
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3.\u00a0 If your husband\u2019s job takes a lot of time, requires travel, etc.\u00a0 don\u2019t whine to his parents about how much you miss him more that once every three conversations.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t come across as the loving wife who just wants him home, you sound needy and like a burden on their son.\u00a0 Tell them you can\u2019t wait for him to get home, but then move on quickly.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span>
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4. Have a life outside of being married.\u00a0 Find a hobby, a circle of friends, volunteer, be up on current events, something for you to talk about when you talk to his parents.\u00a0 It helps them to see you as something other than the girl who stole their son, and gives you a topic to steer conversation towards when it begins to get uncomfortable.\u00a0 It also gives you the confidence to deal with it if they never like you.\u00a0 You\u2019re fabulous, so it\u2019s their loss.<\/span><\/span>
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5. Be yourself.\u00a0 It took me years of living in a house decorated with country blue and yellow with flowers everywhere because that\u2019s what my mother in law liked before I gave up and started decorating with my own eclectic mix.\u00a0 I\u2019m happier in my surroundings and my in laws like me better, too.\u00a0 Trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be was a lie and they could smell it on me.\u00a0 All it did was make them wonder why their son would want to be with\u00a0 a dishonest person.\u00a0 Now they get to see the woman their son fell in love with and they can see the reason why.\u00a0 Who you are is lovely, go with it.<\/span><\/span>
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6. Don\u2019t share too much information.\u00a0 His parents don\u2019t want to know every minute detail of your life together.\u00a0 Please, please, please keep private stuff private.\u00a0 A good rule of thumb is: if you won\u2019t tell your grandmother, don\u2019t tell your in laws.<\/span><\/span>
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7. Call them regularly to update them on your family.\u00a0 I know this seems like a contradiction after #6, but it\u2019s not.\u00a0 I call mine religiously every two weeks.\u00a0 It\u2019s enough time that they wonder how we are, but not so frequently that it invites meddling.\u00a0 Tell them about the baby\u2019s first steps, how he likes to throw the Cheerios, and about the sweet way your husband looks when he falls asleep with the baby on his chest.\u00a0 Think of the things you would want to know if your baby was living somewhere else and tell them those things.\u00a0 Ask questions about his childhood and let them reminisce.\u00a0 You\u2019ll both be happy you did this.<\/span><\/span>
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8. Send flowers and cards for every birthday, anniversary, and holiday.\u00a0 Let your husband sign the card first; you sign it second.\u00a0 It gives them the illusion that he remembered.\u00a0 Your mother in law will know it was you, she has a husband, but it lets her pretend that he did it.\u00a0 You can get an ego, or you can let her be happy.\u00a0 Go with happy.<\/span><\/span>
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9. There is a saying that \u201cA son is a son until he takes him a wife, but a daughter is yours for the whole of her life.\u201d\u00a0 There\u2019s truth to that, and they know it.\u00a0 They\u2019re very frightened by you.\u00a0 Your whim can determine how often they see their baby for holidays, how easily they get to talk to him, and you are the gatekeeper for the grandchildren.\u00a0 They are a bit desperate.\u00a0 Calm their fears by making sure they know that you don\u2019t have any desire to cut them our of your lives.\u00a0 Make sure that holidays are split with your family 50\/50.\u00a0 A girl\u2019s parents delight in a wedding because they are gaining a child; a boy\u2019s parents cry because they could be losing one.\u00a0 Help them to see that they are keeping their son and gaining you, too. (Whether they want you or not.)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n
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11.\u00a0 Pray for them.\u00a0 Nobody can change a heart the way that God can.\u00a0 Try everything else, but make sure you pray.<\/span><\/span>
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It took years for us to get to the good place we are in, but you can get there.\u00a0 Just be calm and in control.<\/span><\/span>
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As for how they are with your son?\u00a0 He is your boy not theirs.\u00a0 Be firm about this and don\u2019t ask their advice unless you are willing to listen and give them a say.<\/span><\/span>
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