by Darlene Kelley<\/a><\/span> The above statements are not only lacking, they are also a bit. Let me explain.<\/span> Talking Mental Health in the Black Community<\/a>\u00a0(Huff Post Live recording)<\/span> by Darlene KelleyR3 ContributorAfter hearing the news of a pastor,\u00a0Teddy Parker, whom I do not know, it was clear to me that I should wait to post anything about it in this forum \u2013 first, out of respect for his family and those who knew and loved him; second, because of what it triggered for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1063","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
R3 Contributor<\/span>
<\/span>After hearing the news of a pastor,\u00a0Teddy Parker<\/a>, whom I do not know, it was clear to me that I should wait to post anything about it in this forum \u2013 first, out of respect for his family and those who knew and loved him; second, because of what it triggered for me on a personal level, I needed a minute.<\/span>
<\/span>Hearing stories such as this one, hits way too close to home. I not only ache internally, but it hurts so deeply that the pain becomes physical. As I sat weeping and sorrowful a few thoughts came to mind as I thought about not only this tragedy, but many more people who struggle to keep living \u2013 people for whom deciding to live or die is a daily decision; hell, never mind \u201cdaily,\u201d but a moment by moment, hour by hour decision.<\/span>
<\/span>Relating to Parker, I did not want to assume mental illness played a role, yet I am not surprised as it is now being reported that he perhaps endured years of struggle with mental illness.<\/span>
<\/span>As an African American with a historical association and rearing in predominantly African American communities of faith, I was disappointed (not surprised) by a few of the reactions I read.\u00a0<\/span>Most of the responses\/reactions I read said things like:<\/i><\/b>
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<\/b><\/span>\u201cPray for pastors.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0It is easier to say \u201cpastors have a hard job,\u201d and we need to support them, not be a burden them than it is to address issues of mental health care. It is easier to spiritualize issues than to address practical needs. But easier doesn\u2019t equal helpful. As a fellow struggler, many faith filled people sincerely believe that the way healing and wholeness happens is for me to go to church, pray, call on Jesus and trust God to make a way \u2013 period! I am not opposed to praying and such, but when that\u2019s where it stops, first it make me want to cuss, then it moves me to educate and enlighten in hopes of dispelling ignorance.<\/span>
Should we pray for pastors? YES! Should we pray for those who battle, and I do mean battle mental health challenges? Also yes! Is that all we need to do? NO. Will prayer alone keep pastors or anyone else from ending their lives? Not at all!<\/span>
<\/span><\/b>\u201cThe devil is busy.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0OK, and the point is what? That\u2019s my first reaction. But beyond that, I am not<\/i> convinced that the devil had anything to do with this suicide. I believe we need to take a deeper look at reasons why people end their lives. As one who has walked through depressive episodes, I find that there are a host of \u201cspiritual\u201d people who take the easy way out by being hyper spiritual and glossing over real issues \u2013 somehow unable to open their minds to the realness of mental illness and mood disorders \u2013 medical conditions<\/b> that need treatment, not statements like \u201cthe devil being busy.\u201d Once it is discovered that such phraseologies are impotent, some walk away, abandon the struggler and just stand aloof.<\/span>
<\/span><\/b>\u201cPeople need to take it easy on their pastors.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0What the hell?! The first problem is that this statement is an indictment on congregations and to say such things in the context of this young pastor\u2019s death is to accuse and make assumptions regarding how his congregation treated him. Second, though I have been in church all my life and have awareness that church folks are a bit trifling and downright cruel and unreasonable at times, there are some things that we as spiritual leaders have to take ownership of \u2013 our self care, utilization of the word \u201cno,\u201d refusal to play into being put on pedestals and the like. Perhaps ego won\u2019t let us destroy that beast? Perhaps our passion and drive for ministry and serving God won\u2019t let us quit or take regular breaks? Who really knows?<\/span>
<\/span><\/b>Pastors are human just like everyone else.<\/b>\u00a0This is true \u2013 very true,<\/i> but the fact that there is such a big deal being made over the fact that a \u201cpastor\u201d completed suicide suggests we don\u2019t really believe that. Perhaps a shift in thinking is necessary \u2013 the position does not make one less human nor super human.<\/span>
<\/span>So in thinking not only about Parker, but about how we relate to each other, more specifically those who endure mental illness, I offer these alternative responses:\u00a0<\/span>
<\/span><\/b>1<\/b>.\u00a0Give people permission<\/b>\u00a0and space to say \u201cI\u2019m not ok.\u201d<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>2.<\/b>\u00a0Be a \u201csafe person.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0Meaning, when someone musters up courage to bare their souls and expose their hearts, be trustworthy, be loving and nonjudgmental and if you can, resourceful.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>3. See pastors as \u201cpeople who pastor\u201d rather than \u201cpastors who are people.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0There is a difference. If pastor was no longer the profession, she\/he would still be a person. Experientially I have been a staff minister (paid &
\nvolunteer) and in a few instances what I did\/my work was important but my person\/who I am did not. That\u2019s enough to send anyone over the edge. Value people not simply positions.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>4. Don\u2019t assume the worst about people who end their lives.<\/b>\u00a0Ending their lives does not make them bad people. They are not selfish people. They are not weak people.\u00a0They are not crazy people, they are not demon possessed.<\/b>\u00a0They are not Hell bound. They are people whose hope ran out, people who tried until they could try no longer.\u00a0They are people who live with an illness, yes it is an illness, some illness is physical & some illness is mental.\u00a0<\/b>\u00a0They are people who would have continued to live if they could.<\/i> And most likely, it hurt them deeply to have to leave those they love.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>5.<\/b>\u00a0Check in on people.<\/b>\u00a0It\u2019s not enough to be aware of a person\u2019s struggle and distance yourself from them, waiting for the next time they reach out to you or if it\u2019s a leader just wait for their faith to kick in. Check in from time to time, ask how they are doing, be a friend.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>6. Remember<\/b>\u00a0that it is not necessary nor appropriate for you to fill every space or moment with your words. Presence is a priceless gift to offer, just be there.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>7. Some situations don\u2019t need a bible verse.<\/b>\u00a0Nuff said.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>8. The absence of a smile<\/b>\u00a0does not equate to the absence of faith, but often an indicator of pain.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>9. The presence of a smile<\/b>\u00a0does not equate joy and the absence of depressive conditions.\u00a0Some of us are skilled<\/i> at putting our smile on like we put on clothing. Not every smiling face is content and at peace, sometimes if appropriate it is good to gently go a little deeper [with a person\u2019s permission of course].<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>10. If you don\u2019t know, say you don\u2019t know.<\/b>\u00a0Some will appreciate that because it opens the door for them to share their story, open their hearts and help you with \u201cknowing\u201d more deeply.<\/span>
<\/b><\/span>11. Never ever never,<\/b>\u00a0under any circumstances be trite or offer empty platitudes or clich\u00e9s. Mental illness for some people, at given points in the struggle, is a matter of life and death.<\/span>
<\/span>Well, that\u2019s a long list but not at all extensive, so if you have other things you would add please do so in the comments section.<\/i><\/b> Gone are the days when we can just keep the stigma going regarding mental illness and think it\u2019s ok. Lives are lost because of our silence and refusal to engage the topic. People give up because they feel the need to suffer in silence and hide their truth rather than let people in. We can do better.<\/span>
<\/span><\/i>Here are just a few resources that might help:<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n
Wrestling with God and Depression<\/a><\/span>
Not Alone: Reflections on Faith and Depression<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 Monica A. Coleman<\/span>
Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We\u2019re Not Hurting<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 Terrie Williams<\/span>
Hyperbole blog post \u2013\u00a0Part 1<\/a>\u00a0&\u00a0Part 2<\/a><\/span>
Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression and Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 Therese Borchard<\/span>
Beyond Blue<\/a>\u00a0(the blog)<\/span>
Say Yes to Grace: How to Burn Bright without Burning Out <\/a>\u2013 Kirk Byron Jones<\/span>
Rest in the Storm: Self-Care Strategies for Clergy and Other Caregivers<\/a> \u2013 Kirk Byron Jones<\/span>
<\/span>Follow Darlene on Twitter @darlene_kelley<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n