{"id":1233,"date":"2013-08-30T09:06:00","date_gmt":"2013-08-30T09:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/rhetoricraceandreligion\/2013\/08\/fulfilled-from-within-a-psycho-spiritual-reflection-on-cheating-pt-1.html"},"modified":"2013-08-30T09:06:00","modified_gmt":"2013-08-30T09:06:00","slug":"fulfilled-from-within-a-psycho-spiritual-reflection-on-cheating-pt-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rhetoricraceandreligion\/2013\/08\/fulfilled-from-within-a-psycho-spiritual-reflection-on-cheating-pt-1.html","title":{"rendered":"Fulfilled from Within: A Psycho-Spiritual Reflection on Cheating-Pt.1"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
by O\u2019Shan Gadsden\u00a0<\/a><\/span>
R3 Contributor<\/span>

<\/span>
<\/span>I recently began reminiscing about a long-term patient I treated while completing my pre-doctoral internship (our equivalent of a residency).\u00a0\u00a0I continue to be struck by some of the material we explored. I met with this young, intellectually astute, and beautiful young woman twice a week for a nine month period. Most of our work focused on her difficulty understanding her anxiety; setting boundaries with lovers; resolving and mourning her hostility and rage toward her neurotic parents; and gaining voluntary control in a way that would allow her to be fully present with herself, and no longer handicapped by unfulfilling and emotionally abusive romantic relationships-No Small Feat indeed.<\/span><\/div>\n

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I remember the moment a cord was struck in me\u2014- we were exploring her anxiety about her then boyfriend befriending and spending time with his ex-girlfriend. We explored it from many dimensions. We wondered if on some level the behavior of her boyfriend was a pattern of his insensitivity; yet another testament of his inability to understand her needs.\u00a0 We wondered if he understood how his behavior and overall emotional unresponsiveness had contributed to their relational woes. We also wondered whether on some level this relationship activated unresolved feelings of unworthiness; feelings that have much to do with her father and his new wife with whom the patient hates sharing him with. \u00a0As we explored these possibilities and many others, the patient kept repeating her feeling that her boyfriend\u2019s action was in some way \u201cCHEATING\u201d on her.\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n

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Now cheating is no new concept to me, but on this day it took on a new tone. Knowing this patient\u2019s history and my own, I wondered what was being activated in her by this relationship that on some level I suspected had very little to do with the relationship itself.\u00a0<\/span>

<\/i><\/b><\/span>Cheating.<\/i><\/b>\u00a0What a\u00a0powerfully charged and loaded word; especially when it comes to the domain of romantic relationships.\u00a0 Many books, TV. talk shows, preachers, and relationship therapists have tackled this psychologically\/emotionally charged construct. Hell, we all have experienced, whether directly or indirectly what it feels like to have been cheated on. And if we tell the truth and shame the \u201cdevil\u201d, many of us have also been guilty or last least charged with this offense.\u00a0\u00a0So, I wonder if we could take a different look at this construct of \u201cCheating.\u201d\u00a0 An exploration that moves beyond the surface and explores this construct from a metaphysical\/psychospiritual perspective.<\/span><\/div>\n
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<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n

The Merriam-Webster definition of cheating is: (verb) to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit, trick, or artifice;\u00a0to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice; to practice fraud or trickery; to violate rules dishonestly.<\/span><\/div>\n
Let\u2019s start with,\u00a0\u201cto deprive of something valuable.\u201d<\/i>\u00a0 Before we can engage in a discussion about what we consider to be relational deceit, trickery, boundary violation, and dishonesty; it seems important to explore the white elephant in the room that seems to make being \u201ccheated on\u201d so visceral.\u00a0 It seems to me that whenever I have been in therapy with patients who have been \u201ccheated\u201d on; many times at the root of their disgust is the feeling that the other-the person whom\u00a0they cherished, valued, loved, and wanted to be theirs alone had by sharing their love, body, time, and resources with another person, DEPRIVED them of SOMETHING VALUABLE.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>Wow! What a loaded concept. Deprived. Something Valuable. To be deprived suggests to be owed something; or not receiving something that one deserves or is rightfully yours. It can also connote a sense of lack.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Disclaimer:<\/b>\u00a0I am neither condoning nor making excuses for those deemed cheaters. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. The pain of having boundaries violated. Yet, I also believe from a metaphysical perspective that nothing is always as it seems. Events and experiences do not just occur. There\u00a0are usually schemas about the self and others that often attract our experiences into our lives.\u00a0 What I mean by this is that although people play a part in our realities and can impact our lives in many different ways; our realities are more powerfully informed by our own thoughts (conscious and unconscious) about ourselves and the other. Ok, station break over.<\/i><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

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May I ask you something?<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n


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Can someone really deprive you of something? What is the something that you really feel owed? If you don\u2019t receive \u201cit\u201d from the other, are you really lacking anything?\u00a0 What is \u201cit\u201d you are really saying you deserve from the other, that cheating takes off the table?\u00a0 Can one person be responsible for giving you all that you feel you deserve emotionally?\u00a0 Grant it, these questions could take this conversation in so many directions. We could discuss this from a feminist perspective, a religious perspective, a moral perspective, and\/or an economics perspective.\u00a0 However, I wish to challenge us all to think more deeply about all that gets activated when we are in romantic relationships.\u00a0 More deeply about the projections we make of the other, as it concerns their ability to love us; give to us; and be there for us.\u00a0 Deeply about how unresolved father and mother wounds can distort what we consider to be appropriate boundaries and appropriate expectations of the other.\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n

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What I am suggesting i
\ns, that it seems to me there is a possibility that what makes getting cheated on or having our expectations of the other unfulfilled so emotionally charged, is that many of us already come to our relationships feeling emotionally\/psychologically deprived.\u00a0 Deprived of the attention, love, and mirroring that we needed and deserved during our developmental history. Many of us already come to these relationships not just seeking companionship with a whole other, but to use (consciously and unconsciously) the relationship to resolve prior pain; and to receive something that the new other is not responsible for.<\/span><\/div>\n

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No,\u00a0I am not suggesting that one should stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. Or stay in a relationship where the other continues to violate agreed upon boundaries. Hell, no! Get out! Tell that dude or woman, enough! I am better than this, goodbye.\u00a0 However,\u00a0I am suggesting that we do take some time and sit with ourselves and take an honest look at our relational patterns. You might be surprised to discover that this is nothing new for you; different person same dynamics.\u00a0 I am suggesting that in order to appropriately choose a good mate or to be able to leave a situation that is not good; one needs to be more thoughtful about how the combination of our needs, hurts, and wishes get played out in our relationships.<\/span>

<\/span>You can friend O\u2019Shan on Facebook<\/a> and follow on Twitter @spiritmusings<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by O\u2019Shan Gadsden\u00a0R3 ContributorI recently began reminiscing about a long-term patient I treated while completing my pre-doctoral internship (our equivalent of a residency).\u00a0\u00a0I continue to be struck by some of the material we explored. I met with this young, intellectually astute, and beautiful young woman twice a week for a nine month period. Most of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2251,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1233","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nFulfilled from Within: A Psycho-Spiritual Reflection on Cheating-Pt.1<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"by O'Shan Gadsden R3 ContributorI recently began reminiscing about a long-term patient I treated while completing my pre-doctoral internship (our\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rhetoricraceandreligion\/2013\/08\/fulfilled-from-within-a-psycho-spiritual-reflection-on-cheating-pt-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Fulfilled from Within: A Psycho-Spiritual Reflection on Cheating-Pt.1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"by O'Shan Gadsden R3 ContributorI recently began reminiscing about a long-term patient I treated while completing my pre-doctoral internship (our\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rhetoricraceandreligion\/2013\/08\/fulfilled-from-within-a-psycho-spiritual-reflection-on-cheating-pt-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Rhetoric Race and Religion\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-08-30T09:06:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Andre E. 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