{"id":1449,"date":"2011-07-08T08:34:52","date_gmt":"2011-07-08T15:34:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.richarddahlstrom.com\/?p=1449"},"modified":"2011-07-08T08:34:52","modified_gmt":"2011-07-08T15:34:52","slug":"ive-got-mono","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2011\/07\/08\/ive-got-mono\/","title":{"rendered":"I’ve got mono! The challenges and beauty of monogamy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

The New Times published an article recently<\/a> positing that infidelity was, for some marriages, just the right ingredient needed to keep a marriage strong. \u00a0The advocate for this lifestyle is none other than Seattle\u2019s own Dan Savage, of \u201cSavage Love\u201d<\/a>, \u00a0Strange<\/em>r fame. \u00a0At first blush (pun intended), the article appears not to be worth the time to read. \u00a0Who cares about some guy\u2019s theory that married couples would be happier in some cases if infidelity was an accepted part of the marriage package? \u00a0But a real reading revealed both the thoughtfulness behind his argument, and the subtleties of deception that run terribly deep in waters of our culture.<\/p>\n

Savage readily acknowledges the advantages of monogamy, but adds that there are drawbacks, as he points out when he says, \u201cpeople in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.\u201d\u00a0 To battle these dangers, Savage\u00a0is an advocate for what he calls the 3 G\u2019s:\u00a0 \u201cLovers out to be good, giving, and game\u201d (skillfully lovers, generous lovers, lovers willing to try new things). \u00a0It\u2019s that third one that\u2019s the sticking point for Savage, and he says that when lovers reach an impasse where one party has sexual desires that the other is unwilling to fulfill, it might be best to set them free, to let them go off and find the experience they\u2019re looking for. \u00a0This, Savage says, can keep the love alive in the relationship. \u00a0The infidelity, in other words, can be a good thing if all parties agree.<\/p>\n

If you read my stuff regularly, you know that I read widely, including forays into The Stranger<\/em>, The New York Times<\/em>, Fox News, and more. \u00a0I do this because I believe, strongly, that Christ followers aren\u2019t called to separation from the world, but are called to live with discernment right in the midst of the world. \u00a0If our world is considering non-monogamy as a way to save marriage, I want to know about, discerning what\u2019s true in the midst of the proposal, and what\u2019s not. \u00a0So here we go:<\/p>\n

What\u2019s True \u2013<\/strong> I like that Savage is ultimately concerned with sustaining monogamous relationships<\/em>. \u00a0He\u2019s an interesting character because he\u2019s this funky blend of traditional values that find their origin in who God has made us to be (monogamous) and the values of what the Bible calls \u201cthe flesh\u201d <\/em>or \u201cthe sin nature\u201d<\/em> (depending on your translation). \u00a0But more of that later. \u00a0It\u2019s interesting too that Savage isn\u2019t just trying to keep people living under the same roof. \u00a0He wants people to be genuinely in love \u2013 to avoid the traps of boredom, lack of variety, and sexual death that are often the reality in monogamous relationships; a couple living together for 50 years doesn\u2019t constitute success in Savage\u2019s book. \u00a0There\u2019s supposed to be real love. \u00a0Does anyone want to argue with him on that? \u00a0I don\u2019t either.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s acknowledge that when the Bible talks about the ideal for marriage, whether it\u2019s the vision cast in Genesis 2<\/strong>, or Paul\u2019s lofty vision in Ephesians 5<\/strong> (sacrificial love, service, openness and vulnerability, trust) God\u2019s vision is that there be a body\/soul\/spirit union that\u2019s still throbbing with passion as people grow older. \u00a0Let\u2019s not forget Paul\u2019s liberating advice in I Corinthians 7<\/strong> when talking about sexuality: \u00a0\u201cdo not deprive one another\u201d (except by mutual agreement for prayer, which means that you don\u2019t withhold sex, using it as a tool for power in the marriage). \u00a0All of this seems to envision what Savage sees as the ultimate goal, which is a healthy union between two people!<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Not True \u2013<\/strong> Ah, but the devil is in the details. \u00a0When Savage posits that a \u201cmore perfect union\u201d can be realized by allowing one\u2019s partner to fulfill his\/her fantasies with some outside party, he\u2019s dumped a boatload of lies into ocean, polluting the waters of our thoughts and making infidelity appear, just possibly, to be a healthy part of normal marriage \u2013 not for everyone of course, but for some. \u00a0This plays well (the article was the number 1 e-mailed article in the NY Times<\/em> for a portion of last week), and is reinforced in books about open marriage, and even in the recent book:\u00a0 Pre-Marital Sex in America <\/a><\/em>which reveals the data on how young people are hooking up, a cultural reality among singles that surely prepares the soil for the \u201cnon-monogomy\u201d of Savage\u2019s marital ethic.<\/p>\n

Nope. \u00a0There are a boatload of reasons why we mustn\u2019t go down that road, but let\u2019s just address the biggest one:<\/p>\n

God\u2019s Heart for Monogamy:<\/strong> When Jesus talks about marriage he always goes back to Genesis two at the reference point; always<\/em>. \u00a0This means that, though there are accomodations made in the Bible for divorce and polygamy, they\u2019re clearly never seen as the ideal. \u00a0Further, God makes no provision whatsoever for infidelity<\/em>. \u00a0Is there grace? \u00a0Of course, for repentant hearts that see their sin. \u00a0But Savage leads us into dangers waters when he sees it, not as seen, but as a prescription to marital health. The ideal is always monogamy \u2013 saturated with real love.<\/p>\n

This notion had fallen on hard times, even during the days of Jesus; so much so that that when he articulates radical monogamy in Matthew 19,<\/strong> the disciples said, \u201cif such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.\u201d Yes, it\u2019s hard. But it\u2019s the vision, and Savage is plunging a knife right into the heart of it. \u00a0I had to say something!<\/p>\n

still crazy...in love..after all these years<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

OK. \u00a0God\u2019s for monogamy. \u00a0But here\u2019s an important thing to say as this winds to a close. \u00a0God isn\u2019t just interested in monogamy.<\/em><\/strong> Ultimately, God is interested in love and intimacy. \u00a0So, if I\u2019m going to be committed to monogamy AND intimacy, this will take me down a road that will strip my soul bare, revealing my vulnerability and fear, exposing my pain and anger, demanding my deepest honesty. \u00a0In other words:<\/p>\n

1. I\u2019ll need to be honest with my partner about my sexual struggles, longings, and failures. \u00a0And I\u2019ll need to be a safe place for my partner to be honest.<\/p>\n

2. I\u2019ll need to work, really work hard, at fanning the flames of love. \u00a0There are endless forces working against intimacy in our culture, but they needn\u2019t win. \u00a0It\u2019s just that I need to recognize those forces and swim upstream against them.<\/p>\n

3. I\u2019ll need to recognize the difference between sex and food. \u00a0I Corinthians 6 explains how food and sex are different. \u00a0I\u2019ve taught on this many times with students, explaining that, for the Corinthians, sexuality was viewed as an appetite, just like food. \u00a0When you\u2019re hungry you eat. \u00a0When you want sex\u2026 you find it, by any means possible. \u00a0 But Paul explains that sex isn\u2019t an appetite in the same way as food, explains that self-denial of our primal urges, far from killing us, will actually make us stronger. \u00a0Why? \u00a0We\u2019ll be forced to find satisfaction, joy, and meaning, in other ways when sexual expression isn\u2019t open to us. \u00a0We\u2019ll need to play music, work in the garden, enjoy good conversation, or good sunsets, or good food.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s much more to say\u2026 but coming from one who\u2019s been monogamous AND is still passionately in love, it\u2019s important gain a vision for both: \u00a0monogamy and passionate love: \u00a0two ingredients which, together, will form a mighty strong, joy infused bond!<\/p>\n

How can the church do a better a job of instilling the values of monogamy and passionate love?<\/p>\n

If you like this article \u2013 please forward it via twitter, or facebook. \u00a0Thanks!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The New Times published an article recently positing that infidelity was, for some marriages, just the right ingredient needed to keep a marriage strong. \u00a0The advocate for this lifestyle is none other than Seattle\u2019s own Dan Savage, of \u201cSavage Love\u201d, \u00a0Stranger fame. \u00a0At first blush (pun intended), the article appears not to be worth the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[35,23362,40,47],"class_list":["post-1449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-intimacy","tag-family","tag-intimacy","tag-marriage","tag-sexuality"],"yoast_head":"\nI've got mono! 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