Love Ingredients: Truth, Grace, Proportion<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\""full of grace and truth" John 1:14 "Who can pull that off?" is the question I ask with all the urgency I can muster because I'm more convinced than ever\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Love Ingredients: Truth, Grace, Proportion\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\""full of grace and truth" John 1:14 "Who can pull that off?" is the question I ask with all the urgency I can muster because I'm more convinced than ever\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Fibonacci Faith: Changing Everything\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-02-14T19:43:14+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-02-14T20:08:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/whatheisteachingme.files.wordpress.com\/2010\/07\/dna_5001.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Richard Dahlstrom\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Richard Dahlstrom\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/\",\"name\":\"Love Ingredients: Truth, Grace, Proportion\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-02-14T19:43:14+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-02-14T20:08:11+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/#\/schema\/person\/35cc34ea723fe19cdf6bfe9446fde728\"},\"description\":\"\\\"full of grace and truth\\\" John 1:14 \\\"Who can pull that off?\\\" is the question I ask with all the urgency I can muster because I'm more convinced than ever\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Love Ingredients: Truth, Grace, Proportion\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/\",\"name\":\"Fibonacci Faith: Changing Everything\",\"description\":\"The Blog of Richard Dahlstrom\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/#\/schema\/person\/35cc34ea723fe19cdf6bfe9446fde728\",\"name\":\"Richard Dahlstrom\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c70ef6941167d00acda35b40d90cb1e0?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c70ef6941167d00acda35b40d90cb1e0?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Richard Dahlstrom\"},\"description\":\"As Pastor of Bethany Community Church in Seattle, Richard teaches with vision of \\\"making the invisible God visible\\\" by calling people to acts of service and blessing. 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{"id":1972,"date":"2012-02-14T12:43:14","date_gmt":"2012-02-14T19:43:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/?p=1972"},"modified":"2012-02-14T13:08:11","modified_gmt":"2012-02-14T20:08:11","slug":"love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/02\/14\/love-ingredients-truth-grace-proportion\/","title":{"rendered":"Love Ingredients: Truth, Grace, Proportion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\u201cfull of grace and truth\u201d <\/em><\/strong> John 1:14<\/p>\n

\u201cWho can pull that off?\u201d<\/em> is the question I ask with all the urgency I can muster because I\u2019m more convinced than ever that this is perhaps the only possible solid foundation upon which genuine intimacy can be built.\u00a0 Look at any relationship where love continues to ripen and deepen, year after year, and you\u2019ll find that the couple has managed to express both truth and grace.\u00a0 But there\u2019s more.\u00a0 The couple has also found a way express these elements at the right time, and in the right proportion. <\/em><\/strong>Tools, without a sense of proportion or propriety, can be destructive.\u00a0 I may need a cutting tool, but if the object to be trimmed is my fingernails and my tool is a chain saw, the results can be bloody painful. Here\u2019s what I mean:<\/p>\n

Too Much Truth:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m just being honest\u201d <\/em>is perhaps one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language.\u00a0 It\u2019s usually the preface to some truth that will, in the end, benefit the truth teller much more than the truth receiver.\u00a0 In the name of honesty, we run the risk of inflicting great damage.\u00a0 For all of us, it\u2019s not just a matter of delivering the truth.\u00a0 It\u2019s matter of learning to deliver the timely word \u201cin season\u201d<\/a>, which means that it\u2019s possible to say the right thing, in the wrong way, at the wrong time, and do terrible damage.<\/p>\n

This is my complaint, sometimes, with honest people.\u00a0 They leave a trail of damaged relationships in their wake because they haven\u2019t learned the wisdom of staying quiet.\u00a0 In contrast, consider Jesus:\u00a0 He chose disciples that he knew had tempers, doubts, petty jealousies, selfish ambitions and, at times, slow minds.\u00a0 Still, he chose them.\u00a0 And, rather than offering a pre-emptive assessment of all their strengths and weaknesses, he created an environment where, over time, the light of revelation would expose those areas in need of transformation.<\/p>\n

In other words, Jesus didn\u2019t (and still doesn\u2019t<\/a>) feel the need to change every element of personality in a single day or week<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 When someone makes me and my transformation (God knows I need it), their personal mission, and major relational focus, I promise you that I\u2019ll find a way to build a wall and prevent you from entering in.\u00a0 As a result, that someone is shut out and frustrated, and my weaknesses\u00a0 remain unchecked.\u00a0 This is using a chain saw instead of nail clippers.\u00a0 After 32 years of marriage, I\u2019m convinced that one of the greatest gifts my wife and I are able to offer each other is timely, proprotional truth \u2013 offered in a way that\u2019s tailored to favor maximum receptivity on the part of the other.\u00a0 This way of loving is rooted in the belief that while truth is needed, truth that\u2019s not received is of no value whatsoever, and so truth needs proportion and timeliness, both of which require wisdom and grace.<\/p>\n

Too much grace<\/strong>:\u00a0 Ah, but too much grace is damaging too.\u00a0 Drugs that are good for moderating inflammation can also kill you, if served up in too high a dose.\u00a0 There are people in this world who are terrified of either speaking or receiving hard truth.\u00a0 They flatter in the name of grace, but what they\u2019re offering isn\u2019t grace at all, it\u2019s just plain dishonesty.\u00a0 They overlook deep failures and character flaws, refusing to bring issues into the light for fear of what might unfold if the status quo is upset.\u00a0 Counselors call it \u201cenabling\u201d.\u00a0 Because of it, spouses stay in abusive relationships.\u00a0\u00a0 Addictions go unchallenged, even by the addicts closest so called friends.<\/p>\n

Grace in proper proportion provides space and time for transformation, and a place of safety for confession.\u00a0 Too much grace provides space, not for transformation, but for hiding.<\/p>\n

Too much truth seems to presume that the time is always now, and the messenger is always us.<\/p>\n

Too much grace seems to presume that the time is never now, and the messenger is always someone else.<\/p>\n

We could nit-pick here and argue whether too much grace is really grace at all, or too much truth is really truth.\u00a0 But that would miss the point, which is to say that unless we know when to encourage and when to confront, when to speak and when to be silent, when to say the hard thing, and when to let the hard thing go \u2013 we\u2019ll make a mess of our relationships.\u00a0 Messes are made by people on both sides of this problem, of course, and each of us would be wise to consider how we need to recalibrate our proportions for each relationship and situation.<\/p>\n

Having said that, I\u2019ll observe that I\u2019m more concerned than ever with the fallout I\u2019m seeing from situations where truth is used as a chainsaw<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t care if you can quote chapter and verse about why you\u2019re right and I\u2019m wrong, unless I know that you love me, and I\u2019ll know that you love me because the chapter and verse truth has been delivered (to switch analogies) as an IV drip, in a place of safety and nurture, rather than by sticking my head in a bucket of truth and holding me under, waterboard style.<\/p>\n

Sure; I know that I need to receive truth from all sources.\u00a0 I need to recognize my tendency to shoot the messenger when I don\u2019t want to hear the hard word.\u00a0 But if we could all respond perfectly to truth when it\u2019s delivered, we wouldn\u2019t need a savior.\u00a0\u00a0 That we do need one reminds us that we\u2019re flawed, and as flawed people we need to remember that truth and grace, in just the right proportion for a particular moment or relationship, is what God calls us to pursue.<\/p>\n

My valentine\u2019s evening will be spent with someone who knows me better than any person on the planet \u2013 knows my doubts, failures, shame, pain, fear.\u00a0 That I know she loves me anyway is why, when she has the hard word to deliver, I will, in the end, listen and respond.\u00a0 This truth and grace in proportion thing is, I believe, not only an important conversation; it\u2019s the very reason I need Jesus.\u00a0 After all, He\u2019s the one who gets this right, and it will be by living in intimacy with that I\u2019ll learn how to do it too.<\/p>\n

What do you think?\u00a0 More truth? More grace? Just right?<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"