{"id":2326,"date":"2012-10-09T11:52:25","date_gmt":"2012-10-09T18:52:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/?p=2326"},"modified":"2012-10-09T12:06:00","modified_gmt":"2012-10-09T19:06:00","slug":"sex-shame-and-the-gospel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/richarddahlstrom\/2012\/10\/09\/sex-shame-and-the-gospel\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex, Shame, and the Gospel… resources for conversation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

We Christians, especially in America, are terrible at having healthy conversations about sexuality and sexual ethics.\u00a0 The landscape of these conversations are ripe with charges, counter-charges, fear, and sweeping judgements, so much so that when I write about sexuality<\/a>, I need to read all the comments carefully so as to remove the hateful words that inevitably show up, offered in the name of \u201cstaying true to the faith\u201d or \u201choliness\u201d or some other such nonsense, in much the same way that the Pharisees had their rocks in hand, ready to kill, but only after they\u2019d used the woman caught in adultery<\/a> to catch Jesus in a theological conundrum so that they could condemn him too.\u00a0 He\u2019d have none of it, though, for either the woman or himself.\u00a0 That\u2019s because the gospel is, after all, good news \u2013 for the woman caught in adultery, and for literally every other person on the planet, if we\u2019ll but let it be what it actually is.<\/p>\n

No other arena of Christian ethics kills the hope of the gospel more than the slaughtering we\u2019ve done of sexual ethics<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 We invoke church discipline in this arena inconsistently and harshly, in ways that elevate some sins above others.\u00a0 We act as if Christian sexual ethics are easy and absolute, the same everywhere for all time, when the reality is that our ethic is fluid, as seen in dress codes, french kissing, oral sex, the distinction between longing and lust, and o so much more.\u00a0 We sometimes act is if heterosexual sin is less offensive to God than homosexual sin.\u00a0 And worst of all, actions become labels<\/em><\/strong>:\u00a0 She\u2019s not a teenager sold into sexual slavery who performs sex acts as a means of providing food for her family; she\u2019s a prostitute<\/strong>.\u00a0 He\u2019s not a man who occasionally fantasizes about sexual experiences with other men \u2013\u00a0 he\u2019s a homosexual<\/strong>.\u00a0 She\u2019s not a woman who loves her husband fiercely, but in one night of drunken weak will, gave up her fidelity at a high school reunion and woke up with regret.\u00a0 She\u2019s an adulterer<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

These labels we give each other take all the nuances that are our sexuality and turn them into a label we\u2019re then told to wear, as if this action, or that longing is who we are.\u00a0 This is what flames shame, and hence non-confession, and hence hypocrisy.\u00a0 This makes honest and nuanced conversation about Christian sexuality difficult, even impossible in some circles.\u00a0 As a result, the whole topic\u2019s driven underground.\u00a0 As Jenell Williams Paris writes in her marvelous book<\/a>, \u201cReticence to engage the issues in a sustained and civil manner has led \u2013 and is still leading \u2013 to secrecy, repression, taboo and scandal.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 The fruits of this are seen in the secrecy of Christians struggles with sexual ethics and sin, as so many feel there\u2019s no safe place for conversation.\u00a0 Those who feel that way aren\u2019t fabricating their fear.\u00a0 I know it\u2019s real because of the sweeping condemnations invoked in Jesus name from pulpits and print.\u00a0 When I\u2019ve blogged about homosexuality in the past, I\u2019d estimate that there were about 10% of the comments that I refused to approve, because their words were so harsh and damning, even while they would sometimes say them, according to their own view, \u201cin love\u201d.<\/p>\n

So, here are three resources to help you bring the issues into the light.\u00a0 Read, agree, disagree, discuss charitably<\/em>.\u00a0 Above all else though, bring these conversations into the light, so that we can, as people of hope, provide a sense of safety for people to explore the intersections of faith and sexuality.\u00a0 The result will be, I believe, a coming into the light and safety of grace, which is above all else, a place of health and transformation.<\/p>\n

Your Brain on Porn<\/a> is a \u2018secular\u2019 website that catalogs the damning nature of porn by virtue of what it does, physiologically, to the brain.\u00a0 I\u2019ve pointed several men to this material who\u2019ve thanked me, finding it frankly more helpful than a website quoting Bible verses about sexual purity.\u00a0 The problem with those Bible verses, often, is that folks stuck in porn already know them, but have become stuck in a dopamine addiction that overrides reason and their commitments to holiness.\u00a0 Ironically, many people find that when the subject is de-spiritualized a bit that it\u2019s easier to deal with it and break free.\u00a0 The website includes testimonials<\/a> from people whose lives were transformed by breaking free.\u00a0 Every pastor should have this website in their toolkit<\/em>, but so should every friend, and every person.<\/p>\n

The Demise of Guys<\/a> is a book I reviewed earlier<\/a>, but offer it here again because just as women do, men face unique issues which have conspired to hinder their full functioning.\u00a0 Guys have become more passive, less able to pay attention, less inclined to choose reality over fantasy, and more filled with shame, fear, and insecurity.\u00a0 All of this is the result of the cultural air we breath, including porn, video games, and fantasy leagues.\u00a0 Until guys name this stuff,\u00a0 commit to renewing their minds, and choose life giving ways of using their free time, there\u2019ll be little hope.\u00a0 This book is a wake up call, and can be a first step toward a fuller life for many guys.<\/p>\n

Finally, \u201cThe End of Sexual Identity\u201d <\/a>is an important book for anyone looking for an honest conversation about sexuality and Christian ethics.\u00a0 I sense that the author\u2019s shaped by Bonhoeffer\u2019s \u201cEthics\u201d book, which means that she resists easy moralizing and judgmentalism, believing that proof texting, and shooting people with Bible verses isn\u2019t what it means to be Christ followers.\u00a0 For this reason, many conservative won\u2019t like her.\u00a0 On the other hand, she makes a strong case of exalting celibacy and chastity, which will no doubt alienate some liberals who falsely believe that being sexual active is a necessary ingredient for being fully human.\u00a0 There are far too few books on this topic that are nuanced, thoughtful, gracious, and well grounded in both scripture and cultural history.\u00a0 This is one of them, and so even though I doubt anyone will agree with everything she writes, I recommend it without reservation.\u00a0 After all, what\u2019s needed right now aren\u2019t the same old theological sound bytes, delivered up more loudly, or with special scary effects.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s needed is a bringing of sexuality into the light so that we can say to one another, \u201ccome \u2013 let us reason together\u201d.\u00a0 This will help us become more like Jesus, both individually, and collectively.<\/p>\n

Happy Reading!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Feel free to share other resources that have proven helpful by responding in the comments section.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We Christians, especially in America, are terrible at having healthy conversations about sexuality and sexual ethics.\u00a0 The landscape of these conversations are ripe with charges, counter-charges, fear, and sweeping judgements, so much so that when I write about sexuality, I need to read all the comments carefully so as to remove the hateful words that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":84,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[27,23362,23367,47],"class_list":["post-2326","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-intimacy","tag-culture","tag-intimacy","tag-questions","tag-sexuality"],"yoast_head":"\nSex, Shame, and the Gospel... resources for conversation<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We Christians, especially in America, are terrible at having healthy conversations about sexuality and sexual 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