My own contribution to these discussions is about creating a Pagan culture that not only helps to prevent inappropriate and abusive touch, but encourages loving, consensual touch. I want Pagan events to embody consent culture.<\/em> In my last post on this topic<\/a>, I outlined ethical principles that ground my understanding of consent culture. Here, though, I want to deal with simple ways to put these principles into practice.<\/p>\n What is consent culture?<\/strong><\/p>\n Urban Dictionary<\/a> has a great off-the-cuff definition:<\/p>\n A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex is centered around mutual consent. It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs.<\/p>\n A consent culture is also one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well. Don\u2019t want to talk to someone? You don\u2019t have to. Don\u2019t want a hug? That\u2019s okay, no hug then. Don\u2019t want to try the fish? That\u2019s fine. Don\u2019t want to be tickled or noogied? Then it\u2019s not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n How do we create consent culture?<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019m going to start with some simple, concrete recommendations. These are meant to be starting places to explore how you might build consent culture in your group or community, however, not stopping places. Building consent culture involves confronting issues of power and vulnerability. It requires that both the initiators and receivers of touch improve their communication and listening skills. It calls us to deepen our empathy and bring mindfulness to all our interactions. A blog post can only scratch the surface of these issues \u2013 but it gives us a place to begin (and I hope you\u2019ll follow some of the links at the bottom in order to go deeper).<\/p>\n The basic practice of consent culture is to ask and get consent before you touch.<\/em><\/strong> Among people we don\u2019t know well, asking verbally is a good idea, i.e. \u201cMay I hug you?\u201d In many cases, however, a nonverbal ask works just as well: you can open your arms for a hug and wait for the other person to mirror the gesture before hugging them. Note that asking is only half <\/em>of the procedure; waiting for the enthusiastic \u201cYES!\u201d is the other half! A non-enthusiastic \u201cyes\u201d is usually a \u201cno\u201d in disguise.<\/p>\n To build consent culture in communities, train your leaders to model consensual behavior for others. Consider a leadership training where participants practice asking and getting consent; politely but firmly saying no to touch; and gracefully taking no for an answer. Leaders might also practice recognizing body language that signals less-than-enthusiastic consent, as with guests who accept touch they don\u2019t want out of a sense of peer pressure. Create strategies for giving guests who don\u2019t know the expectations of the group socially appropriate outs: for instance, asking, \u201cDo you hug, or do you prefer the handshake?\u201d or explicitly telling a newcomer, \u201cPeople here like to give hugs, but if you\u2019d rather not do that, just offer your hand instead.\u201d (People who have chronic pain or similar conditions may need more complex negotiations to engage in affectionate touch; see this article<\/a> by Sta\u015ba Morgan-Appel for strategies.)<\/p>\n Consent culture starts with kids.<\/em><\/strong> Kids who grow up believing that they and others have the right to control their own bodies are better-equipped to initiate respectful touch, to clearly say yes or no when touch is offered, and to interfere when they see someone else being violated.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a simple game that you can play with elementary-aged and older children. Not only does it teach consent and empathy, but it\u2019s a lot of fun and great for making friends! Adults should be present to model the game, make sure the rules are being followed, and insure safety, as children playing this game can easily become rambunctious.<\/p>\n This game provides wonderful opportunities for discussion. How does it feel to say \u201cNo thanks,\u201d or to be told \u201cNo thanks\u201d? How does it feel to say \u201cYES\u201d? What kinds of touch were really fun? Did anyone say yes to a touch that turned out not to be fun? What did they do, and what did their partner do? Did anyone say \u201cno\u201d and then change their mind? What was that like? What was it like for their partner?<\/p>\n Adults will find that, especially if played with older children or adolescents, the game provides many opportunities for children to experience both positive and difficult emotions. It may be worthwhile to stop to talk in the middle of the game: Does your partner\u2019s \u201cno\u201d feel like being rejected? How does it feel to say \u201cno\u201d back? How does it feel to say \u201cyes\u201d if your partner keeps saying \u201cno\u201d? How does it feel to say \u201cno\u201d if your partner keeps saying yes? Did anyone say \u201cyes\u201d because they were afraid of hurting a partner\u2019s feelings? Participants can use these discussions as opportunities to talk about how to respect a \u201cno\u201d by not taking it personally and how to find kinds of touch that both participants will find fun.<\/p>\n Unless the participants are already part of a group where physical, group-bonding games are played regularly, the game facilitators should inform the children\u2019s parents before playing this game. Note that some younger children may struggle with the rules of the game. Children who have difficulty keeping their hands to themselves, however, may be the ones who benefit the most from learning how to explicitly ask for touch; their tendency to harass or tease others may be the only way they know how to get the contact they want.<\/p>\n Want to learn more about creating Pagan consent culture? Here\u2019s some additional reading:<\/p>\n Consent Culture<\/a><\/p>\n Some Experiences with a Culture of Consent and Radical Inclusion<\/a><\/p>\n Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World without Rape<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n The Power of Touch<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n Eros and Touch from a Pagan Perspective<\/em> (introduction<\/a>) (full book<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" What is consent culture, and how do we build it? Here are some basic practices that Pagans can use for teaching consent culture to both children and adults.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1276,"featured_media":1729,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[210,168],"tags":[254,260,264,13,263,15,25,87],"class_list":["post-1725","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-praxis","category-related-topics","tag-consent","tag-consent-culture","tag-games","tag-pagan","tag-pagan-consent-culture","tag-paganism","tag-sexuality","tag-touch"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"Traffic](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/311\/2014\/04\/trafficlight-300x190.png\" "\\"Signal")
<\/a>Consent culture should make it easy (or at least easier!) to say yes or no<\/strong>.<\/em> Many people struggle to be explicit about their desire for touch or their discomfort with it. At events, basic consent to touch can be made easy with wearable, colored \u201chug codes.\u201d Provide green, yellow, and red stickers that can be applied to nametags, along with a flyer or other materials explaining their meaning: Green means \u201cHug me,\u201d yellow means \u201cAsk me if I want a hug,\u201d and red means \u201cNo hugs please.\u201d The accompanying materials should note, however, that permission to hug doesn\u2019t mean automatic consent to other kinds of touch, and that permission can be withdrawn verbally at any time. The \u201cHug Code\u201d information sheet can also be used to educate attendees about appropriate behavior around touch in general at the event and advertise workshops or orientation sessions that cover consent culture, safer sex, etc.<\/p>\n\n
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