![\"Screen](\"https:\/\/oshetablogs.files.wordpress.com\/2014\/10\/screen-shot-2014-10-16-at-11-18-21-am.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nToday, the inevitable happened.\u00a0 My mixed child revealed his insecurity about his racial identity.\u00a0 I knew this would happen. I really did, but it still hurt.\u00a0 More than hurt, I was frustrated because I did everything right with this kid.\u00a0 We talk openly about race in our home. We stress the imago dei in every single person. We point to Creator God who made all of us beautiful whole expressions of his divine love\u2013not in spite of our skin color\u2013but because of our skin color.\u00a0 We point to systems of oppression. We identify hate speech. We celebrate the civil rights leaders and on Monday we talked about the First Peoples and their plight towards equality.\u00a0 We are good parents to biracial kids.<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the hurt came secondary to a profound confusion. A deep sense of \u201cwait, that\u2019s not right!\u201d<\/p>\n And it\u2019s not right.<\/p>\n It simply isn\u2019t. Not because we did something wrong, but because this world is fundamentally broken. Sin still <\/em>corrupts good kids\u2019 thoughts around race, sin still allows bigoted parents to infect their kids, and sin leaves black bodies in the street for hours.<\/p>\n I\u2019m confused.<\/p>\n Confused that I\u2019m a Kingdom person who tries to live out the teachings of Jesus and yet the Kingdom value of love for who God made you to be is not evident in my son\u2019s heart. I\u2019m a mama who wants to see this world put to rights\u2013not just for my babies\u2013but for every child of color who has ever stood in a mirror and hated the skin their in, and yet my son doesn\u2019t even want his friends to see his African-American mama.\u00a0 I\u2019m a peacemaker who\u2019s willing to pray shalom when I\u2019m tempted to speak fear,<\/a> and raise my hands<\/a>, and identify that yes, sometimes, I wish I was a white woman<\/a>\u2013 because I believe peace comes when someone is courageous enough to stand on the bow and yell \u201cPeace, be still!\u201d And I did that and still there\u2019s no peace in my twelve year old son\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n He\u2019s willing to hide below deck and I\u2019m confused because his mama taught him better than that.<\/p>\n The thing about confusion is it has the capacity to consume you with fear, doubt, and self- hatred.\u00a0 You think something should be one way, but it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n Like when you read in the papers about the quiet kid from a good family who walked into a school with a gun and killed classroom full of children. Now, you have a panic attack every morning you put your babies on the bus.<\/p>\n Confusion leading to fear.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Like when that good friend snaps at you and you thought you had the friendship that would invite a quick reconciliation, but she doesn\u2019t even notice that her quick temper cut deep. Now, you struggle to trust women categorizing yourself as \u201cthe kind of woman who doesn\u2019t have girlfriends\u201d<\/p>\n Confusion leading to doubt in your ability to find your place in the sisterhood.<\/strong><\/p>\n Like when you work so hard, jump through all the hoops, stay late at the office, smooze with the right people, give up on your social life to make the deal, and the guy you brought in gets the promotion. Now, you think that maybe there\u2019s something wrong with you, that you\u2019re not good enough, smart enough, qualified enough for greatness.<\/p>\n Confusion leading to self-hatred.<\/strong><\/p>\n Like when your son tells you that your skin is a reminder that he\u2019s \u201cless than\u201d and in his tentative grasp of identity \u201cless than\u201d is simply not an option.<\/p>\n Confusion leading to fear that he\u2019ll never grow out of this, doubt that I\u2019m doing a good job as a black mama to mixed kids, self-hatred because I\u2019m still fighting for my right to engage my world from a healthy place, without suspicions and baggage.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n And I\u2019m tired, y\u2019all.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of the fight.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of the confusion.\u00a0 And I\u2019m tired of standing at the bow with the storm of racism in American raging around, crashing into us, sinking us under it\u2019s enormous weight.<\/p>\n Peace, be still.\u00a0 Please.<\/p>\n I think I know my problem.\u00a0 I\u2019m confused and I want a quick fix. I\u2019m confused and I just want someone to come ease the tension. But, what if I need to learn to sit well in my confusion because the world\u2019s problem won\u2019t be solved overnight?<\/p>\n Four hundred years of oppression can\u2019t be absolved in eight years of a presidency.\u00a0 This world will remain broken until Jesus comes back to inaugurate his complete shalom. I don\u2019t want to admit that because If I can\u2019t solve all the world\u2019s problems now, what\u2019s left for me?\u00a0 What\u2019s my shalom right now?\u00a0 How can I re-frame this confusion?<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know what else to do, so I\u2019m just going to be present in this confusion.\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 I need to learn to sit well with the ambiguity, because shalom\u2013wholeness, love, community is our goal, not problem-solving. Shalom is much, much deeper than problem solving. Shalom asks for and promises more than a quick fix.<\/p>\n You and I have the ability to sit well in the deep confusion of this broken worldl.\u00a0 Whether it be confusion around race like me, or confusion around wealth inequality, or confusion around death of a loved one, or confusion around any area of painful brokenness, we have the ability to sit well in it.<\/p>\n To be honest, I don\u2019t want to be all shalom\u2013oriented right now,\u00a0 I just want the quick fix, the solution to my problem, the bandage to my wound.<\/p>\n But you don\u2019t get to stand on the bow yelling at the storm if you aren\u2019t willing to get a little wet. A little windblown. A little bit off-kilter.<\/p>\n I have to be totally okay with confusion because confusion doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t get through this,<\/em> confusion just means I don\u2019t know exactly how.<\/em> Confusion means I have to participate in the transaction of grace and grace is a currency, I\u2019m not used to handling. \u00a0<\/strong> Confusion is the starting place of shalom for me, the place where I most poignantly see brokenness and the place where I lift my palms up and say, \u201cCome, Lord Jesus. Come.<\/p>\n I need to learn to sit with the confusion well in a way that is loving towards myself and empowers me to take small steps of faith towards wholeness.<\/p>\n One step at a time. One movement at a time. One thought at a time.<\/p>\n I want to sit well in this so my son can know how to sit well in his confusion and not run to fear or hate or anxiety. It starts with something we can all access either a deep love for ourselves, a deep love for those around us, or the deep love from the community around us.\u00a0 I think is starts with accepting the love of Christ and letting that flow out of you, even when you\u2019re tormented by \u201cwhat ifs\u201d and \u201cwhy?\u201d\u00a0 Jesus modeled that on the cross for us\u2013 terribly brokenhearted and confused by his Father\u2019s absence, he cried out for forgiveness for his tormentors.\u00a0 He extended hope to the thief.\u00a0 He said, \u201cit is finished\u201d. Our wholeness made complete by his brokenness.\u00a0 He moved through confusion by loving.<\/p>\n How can you access love in the middle of your confusion?\u00a0 Find a friend, get quiet in prayer, read uplifting words, or post in the comments and I\u2019ll love on you like crazy.<\/strong> I don\u2019t know what to say to my son about this conversation. When he told me he didn\u2019t want me to meet his friend, I think I said something profound like, \u201cOh, really?\u201d\u00a0 Yeah\u2013 Mixed Mama of the Year, y\u2019all.\u00a0 For real.\u00a0 So I need to lean into what I do know:<\/p>\n I know Jesus loves me and while that might sound trite, I need to know I\u2019m loved, brown skin and all.<\/p>\n I know my community loves me and it\u2019s evident in their 58 responses.<\/p>\n I know I have a fantastic sense of humor and I will find some way to talk about race with my son that is both profound and entertaining, because I can\u2019t handle this much heavy without a punchline.<\/p>\n I\u2019m confident that Jesus is with us, even when we\u2019re hiding below deck, and I\u2019m confident that he that has begun a good work in my son, will complete it. It may not look like it now, but I\u2019m confident that someday, I\u2019ll watch him scoop his little mixed children into their arms and tell them, \u201cBe proud, baby because you, no,\u00a0 we are beautiful.<\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n And I\u2019m confident that I am a good mama. I am a good mama.\u00a0 I did the very best I could and everything I\u2019ve ever done for my kids I did for and out of love.\u00a0 I\u2019m also confident that love covers a multitude of sins, brokenness, confusion.<\/p>\n What are you confident in while you sit in your confusion?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n And finally, be I need to be myself in the middle of my confusion. Look, I\u2019ll never be Christena Cleveland or Langston Hughes, or Maya Angelou.\u00a0 I won\u2019t respond to this confusion around race like them, if I tried, I\u2019ll only invite harmful confusion.<\/p>\n So if I need to cry, I\u2019m going to cry because I have big feelings and I wear them on my sleeve.<\/p>\n If I need to listen to Nicole C. Mullen because I need to know there\u2019s another black mama to caramel babies out there and even in her confusion, she\u2019s still able to create beauty, then I will.<\/p>\n If I need to wear my truth until I feel them accessing my keen sense of style\u2026then I will. I\u2019m going to be myself in the midst of confusion because Jesus was himself until the very end\u2013 subversive, witty, kind, and insightful.<\/p>\n
\n What does sitting well and it look like?\u00a0 I think it starts with love, I really do.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nI think it starts with love and then I think we need a fair bit of courage to sit well in confusion.<\/p>\n