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I\u2019m not ashamed to say the new Star Wars movie made me cry. But it wasn\u2019t for my lost childhood or because I once traded away my original Millennium Falcon (now worth thousands of dollars) for a dented baseball bat.<\/p>\n
*Spoiler alert if you\u2019re one of the few people who hasn\u2019t seen the movie*<\/em><\/p>\n In the film\u2019s climax, Han Solo confronts his son, the evil Kylo Ren, and tries to get him to come back to the light. At first, you think that Ren will actually join his father and our heroes. Instead, in one of the most gut wrenching scenes ever, the son stabs the father through the stomach with a light saber. How does Han react? Anger? Sarcasm? A final witty line?<\/p>\n No. He\u2019s a scruffy looking nerfherder, after all, and\u00a0Han Solo knows he bears some responsibility for the direction of his son\u2019s life.<\/p>\n As he lies there dying, Han reaches up to touch his son\u2019s face. The camera pans back\u00a0to reveal his expression, one I recognize all too well. Love.\u00a0That expression is what made me cry. It\u00a0reflected so many of my own emotions about being\u00a0a dad\u2013especially a\u00a0divorced dad\u2013who loves his children but is scared he\u2019s failing them.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a reason God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). It\u2019s the death of so many things, and God really hates death. I know all too well that sometimes there are no other options, but there\u2019s nothing about divorce that\u2019s pretty or glorious. It\u2019s a vast amount of ugliness and sorrow, especially if kids are involved. No one in their right mind would choose it, or naively\u00a0sugar coat it with phrases like \u201cconscious uncoupling.\u201d When I hear about people celebrating their divorces<\/a> (unless it\u2019s an abusive situation), I cringe.<\/p>\n This is one reason I\u2019ve been reluctant to talk openly about my divorce. The reasons for my failed marriage are no one\u2019s business. But it\u2019s over now. This week, I received from my Bishop an annulment<\/a>, which means I can get married again in the Catholic Church. I\u2019m not even sure why I got it, to be honest, as I have no plans to get married again any time soon. The whole idea of dating is exhausting and I\u2019d rather not. If\u00a0God wants me to participate in the Sacrament of Marriage, he will have to send me a Twinner who will knock me on my butt. Or have St. John the Baptist dance naked in front of the Notre Dame Grotto <\/a>while shouting to me, \u201cMarry! Marry! Marry!\u201d \u00a0So, you know, whichever comes first.<\/p>\n One of the reasons I don\u2019t want to date is because I\u2019m busy. I\u2019m a full time editor. I write novels and now I\u2019ve co-founded this blog. But even more importantly, I\u2019m a dad of three awesome Hooligans. Figuring out how to be their dad through all this has been a difficult challenge to say the least. To be honest, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve done it very well.<\/p>\n During the mess of the divorce, I changed careers. I\u2019d spent twelve years as a Presbyterian minister with a Masters of Divinity degree, and it\u2019s hard to practice that calling when you\u2019ve become a Catholic. Plus, that kind of work experience doesn\u2019t exactly scream \u201chire me\u201d to a business that wants to make actual money. My children\u2019s mom (I hate the phrase \u201cex-wife\u201d) landed a job in St. Louis, and I tried to do the same. I applied for scores of jobs and couldn\u2019t even get an interview.<\/p>\n Thankfully, my degree and my experience as a writer landed me an editor position at Ave Maria Press<\/a>. Unfortunately, the\u00a0job required that I move to\u00a0South Bend, Indiana, five hours from my kids. But I didn\u2019t have much of a choice. My kids needed insurance, and I needed to support them financially.<\/p>\n Still, moving and living away from them sent me into a tailspin. I questioned my role in their lives and how I could still be a good father.I know that just providing insurance and money for their expenses is not enough to show my love. I still have to be their dad, but living so far away,\u00a0I had no idea how to do it. I drive twenty hours each month to see them while battling a legion of doubts: What can I give them? My children\u2019s mom gives them the day to day love. What can I possibly add? Have I damaged my children for life?<\/p>\n After\u00a0some good\u00a0Ignatian self-examination<\/a>, I\u2019ve decided there are\u00a0two things I can give them, my Catholic faith and my sense of wonder and adventure. Instead of focusing on the things I can\u2019t\u00a0give them and piling on the guilt, I focus on what I\u00a0can\u00a0do.<\/p>\n At first this\u00a0didn\u2019t go well. Going to mass was a strange experience for my kids. They were used to a looser, freewheeling Presbyterian service. They\u00a0talked, fidgeted and laughed, and there were times, honestly, that I kinda lost it on the way home.<\/p>\n But my best friend encouraged me to take a deep breath and be patient. She said, \u201cJust keep at it. Don\u2019t lose your temper or you\u2019ll turn them off. Just let them see you practicing your faith.\u201d<\/p>\n As usual, she was right. Just recently, when I took my kids to Mass, I\u00a0noticed they\u2019ve\u00a0started to kneel, cross themselves and stand for the reading of the Gospels. I don\u2019t pressure them to behave or even participate. But they saw me and they started to follow. And I started to pay attention to their needs and questions. I let them ask whatever they wanted during the mass. I listened to their own fears and problems while seeking ways to connect what they saw in the mass with their lives.<\/p>\n I carry over that idea when I take\u00a0them on \u201cdad adventures.\u201d \u00a0I avoid shopping centers and amusement parks. Instead, I take them to cool places like Sleeping Bear Dunes <\/a>in Northeast Michigan or Cahokia Mounds in St. Louis<\/a>. They love learning about new and strange places, discovering\u00a0their\u00a0history. I try to teach them about God\u2019s creation and the mess we\u2019ve made of what He gave to us. They share their own fears, loves and concerns while we drive to our destinations.<\/p>\n But all these adventures seem too short and I never feel we\u2019ve gone deep enough.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why I\u2019ve started planning the biggest Dad adventure of them all. During Holy Week (the last week of March before Easter Sunday),\u00a0we\u2019re taking\u00a0a pilgrimage <\/a>to Utah. This\u00a0might seem like a strange place for a Catholic to take a Holy Week pilgrimage. But any place can be a destination with a holy intent and the intent to reflect on holy things. \u00a0Plus, pilgrims always go with questions that need to be answered. And, my questions are: Where are my kids with God? How do they feel about the divorce? What is bothering them? How can we seek the answers together? What are all of us missing that God wants us to see? How can we seek the answers together?<\/p>\n We will start our search in the sacramental world of nature and in places that have been set aside as pilgrim destinations by the church. We\u2019ll\u00a0visit National Parks and the Great Salt Lake. There, I\u2019ll tell my kids about Pope Francis\u2019s Laudato Si<\/a>: On Care For our Common Home<\/em>\u00a0(my kids adore him, actually) and what it means that God has given us stewardship over His creation.<\/p>\n We\u2019ll visit a Benedictine Monastery<\/a> in the shadow of one of the most affluent areas in the country, Aspen, Colorado. In Moab, under the shadow of Arches National Park, we\u2019ll celebrate Palm Sunday in a small, out of the way Catholic Church. Our friends in Utah will take us on a hike up a mountain side to visit a cross where two Franciscan monks, Francisco Dominguez and Silverstre de Escalante <\/a>gave thanks to God when seeing Utah Lake on their way to California. And we\u2019ll light candles in the glorious Cathedral of the Madeleine.<\/a><\/p>\n During Lent, I\u2019ll be writing about being a pilgrim and some of the things I\u2019ve learned as I\u2019ve traveled. During Holy Week, I\u2019ll be sharing what me and my three hooligans learn on our pilgrimage. You can\u00a0be a virtual pilgrim with us by following on\u00a0Instagram with the hashtag #pilgrimdad.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0 I\u2019m not ashamed to say the new Star Wars movie made me cry. But it wasn\u2019t for my lost childhood or because I once traded away my original Millennium Falcon (now worth thousands of dollars) for a dented baseball bat. *Spoiler alert if you\u2019re one of the few people who hasn\u2019t seen the movie* […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1351,"featured_media":529,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,13,15,967],"tags":[23,126,129,125,132,127,130,131,876,128,124],"class_list":["post-477","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-catholicism","category-confession","category-pilgrims","category-sick-pilgrimage-to-the-west","tag-catholic","tag-dad","tag-divorce","tag-han-solo","tag-ignatian-spirituality","tag-marriage","tag-pilgrim","tag-pilgrimage","tag-pope-francis","tag-son","tag-star-wars"],"yoast_head":"\n<\/a>