{"id":7372,"date":"2018-07-20T07:26:47","date_gmt":"2018-07-20T12:26:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/sickpilgrim\/?p=7372"},"modified":"2018-07-20T10:12:04","modified_gmt":"2018-07-20T15:12:04","slug":"dark-devotional-bigger-than-holy-dirt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/sickpilgrim\/2018\/07\/dark-devotional-bigger-than-holy-dirt\/","title":{"rendered":"Dark Devotional: Bigger Than Holy Dirt"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Original art by the sparkly and crystalline Brian Jocks.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cThere is nothing so secular it cannot be sacred.\u201d Madeleine L\u2019Engle<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not Catholic. Nor do I identify with any of the Protestant branches, not even Anglican or Episcopalian. I do not identify with the Bible or even Jesus. But the God I imagine does most closely align with the Judeo-Christian tradition. She is someone I can get mad at, as the Psalmist does. She is love and mercy and compassion and light and energy. She is big enough for all the world\u2019s religions and beliefs. She is big enough for crystals and energy work and shamanic rituals and medicine wheels. For <\/span>all <\/span><\/i>the belief systems.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I am angry with her. After a 16-day hospitalization (the fact that I required higher care was the tipping point), I flew to Albuquerque, New Mexico, and was driven to Santa Fe, arriving at 1 am on a Saturday for a 28-day residential treatment program. The next day we went to Chimayo, a holy site of miracles and healings, with a beautiful representation of the twelve stations of the cross, a statue of Our Lady of Seven Sorrows, and a chapel of sorts with holy dirt.<\/span><\/p>\n

While there, I knelt, which I never do, prayed \u201chelp,\u201d crossed myself for irony, and rose. I even took some holy dirt. Just in case. I don\u2019t know what I was expecting: a non-observant believer of sorts who has been emotionally shut down for 13 years asking for help. A miracle, maybe. I don\u2019t know. Maybe I think God is bigger than She is and thus able to help me. Maybe She\u2019s a He. <\/span><\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the deal: I need God to be that big, if not bigger than my anxiety and bipolar and fear of expressing emotion. And that\u2019s pretty fucking big. This is how I can pray\u2014without getting inordinately angry:<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Mother above and all around,<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Blessed be your mysterious name.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

May you be here and your will be clear,<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

As this earth will be our heaven.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Help us please, and forgive us<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

For the hurt we do unto you, ourselves, and others.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Deliver us from ourselves.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Let us be in our bodies and not our minds.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

For you are glory forever and ever, amen.<\/span><\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

Annie Williams\u00a0lives in Mount Hermon, California, is a graduate of Calvin College\u2019s English program, and a barista at Santa Cruz Coffee Roasting Company. She hopes to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. In the meantime, she enjoys the company of a talented psychiatrist, the lovely people at the pharmacy, her brilliant therapist, and an irreplaceable support group of friends and family, all of whom play inextricably important roles in her life with bipolar II. Annie writes\u00a0honestly about her struggles with mental health and faith at\u00a0honestmemoir.blogspot.com<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Original art by the sparkly and crystalline Brian Jocks. \u201cThere is nothing so secular it cannot be sacred.\u201d Madeleine L\u2019Engle I am not Catholic. Nor do I identify with any of the Protestant branches, not even Anglican or Episcopalian. I do not identify with the Bible or even Jesus. But the God I imagine does […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7387,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[1937,1461,2986,86,154,1045],"class_list":["post-7372","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dark-devotional","tag-annie-williams","tag-anxiety","tag-day-treatment","tag-doubt","tag-faith","tag-mental-illness"],"yoast_head":"\nDark Devotional: Bigger Than Holy Dirt<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Original art by the sparkly and crystalline Brian Jocks. 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