{"id":10485,"date":"2013-08-06T09:31:39","date_gmt":"2013-08-06T14:31:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=10485"},"modified":"2016-09-09T20:55:24","modified_gmt":"2016-09-10T01:55:24","slug":"there-can-be-only-one-the-jerk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/08\/06\/there-can-be-only-one-the-jerk\/","title":{"rendered":"There can be only one, The Jerk."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk.<\/p>\n

Some of you might remember me from the time I caused an international incident by making fun of a guy with bad hair.<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
You Die Now!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Man. I wish it was that reasonable<\/a>.<\/p>\n

For the uninitiated, here is the standard disclaimer: The Jerk is not Simcha. Simcha is not The Jerk. Happy? Fact is, Simcha is violating at least two conditions of her emplyment here at Patheos, and one restraining order by allowing me to post here. Suck it, Shea.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
This is a violation of the Patheos Super Friends Pact!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Whatever, beardy. Maybe you can call my lawyer.<\/a><\/p>\n

The deal is, normally, I review movies I particularly like<\/a>;\u00a0or movies you, the reader, wants me to review<\/a>, or neither<\/a>. Sometimes I just gotta go with my muse<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I have to say, it\u2019s been strange moving over here to Patheos. Lots of stuff to get used to, like the special boxers we all have to wear. They call them underPathe-O\u2019s around here. Scalia made it seem like the rubber undies are part of some technical deal for the blog to work, but I\u2019m starting to have my doubts.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
\u201cStarting to have my doubts?\u201d Sounds like someone is starting to be unemployed.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Alright, already.<\/p>\n

Then there are the other bloggers. I mean, if I have to listen to MacDonald go on for another three hours about his \u201coriginal in the box\u201d SPACE 1999dolls, I may kill myself.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Erm, I think you meant to say action figures.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

No, Tom. I did not.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t even ask what Popcak\u2019s into.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Can I give hints?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Brrrrrrrrrrrr.<\/p>\n

All in all, it\u2019s better than some \u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Hey guys!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Hi Larry. Look, I\u2019m kinda doing a thing here and \u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Cool. Looks like fun. Can I hang out?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Sorry, we have a pretty strict \u201cNo Larrys Policiy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
SCREW YOU GUYS! I hate you. I wouldn\u2019t join if you asked me!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

On to the Movie!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I can never remember. Is it Highlander, or The Highlander? Who cares. It\u2019s all awesome. Director Russell Mulchay (who later would bring us The Shadow<\/a>) tells the tale of Connor McCloud, an Immortal, and his friend, Gay Sean Connery.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Say what, laddie?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

C\u2019mon.\u00a0That hat got just an appointment to the Curia.<\/p>\n

The movie does have a great cast. Connery looking for a paycheck; bad, bad Clancy Brown as the villain; and even a bit part played by the great Jon Polito. And it\u2019s all brought together by the oddest leading man to emerge from the 1980s.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
What do you mean by that?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Not you. I\u2019m talking about Christopher Lambert. America\u2019s answer to Rutger Hauer.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I prefer to think of myself as a blond Armand Assante.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Why? Why would anybody \u2026 Nevermind. Lambert has this unidentifiable European accent, and a kind of goofy blank stare. That\u2019s pretty much the best thing you can say about his acting ability. He just stinks of second banana foreigner, even when he\u2019s the leading man. I keep expecting late career Adam West to show up and take over the movie.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I was in many \u2026 European movies.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Yeah, European movies that played on Cinemax. Strangest Christopher Lambert factoid? He was born in America! Real Normal Joe.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I am regular like the apple pie and sour cream.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

But get this, Sean Connery\u2019s worst movies are still better than Christopher Lambert\u2019s best, and this movie is both.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
My mind is blown.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So, Lammy plays a Scotsman (?) who is really an Immortal. (I guess the \u201clive forever\u201d thing was supposed to be part of his accent. That\u2019s the only way he makes sense, which is to say he doesn\u2019t.) Immortals are dudes who can never die, unless you cut off their head. The only guys who seem to know about this head cutty-offy thing are other Immortals. All of this is told to him by Connery, who is playing an Egyptian!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Check out my sarcophagus.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

.<\/p>\n

Damnit Connery, put on some pants! This isn\u2019t Zardoz.<\/p>\n

The plot, as it is, involves all the Immortals getting together and cutting each other\u2019s heads off. This is called \u201cThe Gathering.\u201d Because \u201cThe Get-Together-To-Cut-Off-Heads\u201d was a little too obvious, even for these screenwriters.<\/p>\n

All of the Immortals have special powers that look like cheap blue animation that gets released when they die. That power then goes to the Immortal who killed them. Eventually, the last Immortal will have all the power of \u201cThe Quickening\u201d and be able to rule the world.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I would make it illegal to be a meanie. Especially to people who are maybe a little bit cross eyed.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And you\u2019re the hero? Huh.<\/p>\n

For some reason, all the Immortals hate this guy called the Kurgan. He\u2019s a ruthless Immortal out to kill everyone and get their power. Unlike the other Immortals who are waiting for kitchen accidents to take care of the opposition, I guess.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I do it I\u2019m a bad guy. They do, they\u2019re the good guys.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

World ain\u2019t fair, K-man.<\/p>\n

Of course, the Big K and Lambda square off as the last two Immortals in the world. Of course, the Kurgan kidnaps the girl Lam-Man was dating. And of course, I usually stuggle to stay awake during the finale because at this point I\u2019ve had like nine beers.<\/p>\n

This is not a good movie by most objective standards. OK, all of them. The fact is, though, I kind of love it. The Queen soundtrack is awesome. The Kurgan is a fantastic movie villain. There are cool swords.<\/p>\n

OK, I guess I have pretty low standards, but it\u2019s still better than the sequel. You can safely ignore Highlander 2 and not miss anything.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Just like Pope Francis!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Hello, Patheos.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk. Some of you might remember me from the time I caused an international incident by making fun of a guy with bad hair. Man. I wish it was that reasonable. For the uninitiated, here is the standard disclaimer: The Jerk is not Simcha. Simcha is not The Jerk. Happy? Fact is, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1533,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[229,226,225,227,111,228,177,230,231],"class_list":["post-10485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-christopher-lambert-rutger-hauer","tag-crescat-is-nuts","tag-highlander","tag-maybe","tag-movies","tag-sean-connerys-gay-hat","tag-the-jerk","tag-will-simcha-get-fired","tag-zardont"],"yoast_head":"\nThere can be only one, The Jerk.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk. 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