{"id":11573,"date":"2013-11-26T08:41:57","date_gmt":"2013-11-26T13:41:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=11573"},"modified":"2015-11-17T13:47:58","modified_gmt":"2015-11-17T18:47:58","slug":"wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/","title":{"rendered":"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

This post originally ran last year on the Register<\/em>.<\/p>\n

*****************<\/p>\n

Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed today.\u00a0 Some of you are alone, and many, many more of you desperately wish that you were.\u00a0 So, rather than tax you with a challenging or insightful essay, I thought I\u2019d take this opportunity to clean up my inbox and answer a few of the questions that people have asked me recently.<\/em><\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Dear Simcha,<\/strong><\/p>\n

By this time of day, I\u2019m supposed to be basting the turkey for the fifth or sixth time so it will be golden and delicious in time for our Thanksgiving feast.\u00a0 But I haven\u2019t even defrosted it yet, because I spent all of yesterday watching\u00a0Benny Hill<\/em>\u00a0and drinking the rum I bought to make rum raisin bread pudding.\u00a0 (I also ate all the raisins, which is a separate problem.)\u00a0 So now I have eleven guests coming in a matter of hours, and all I have to offer them is 22 pounds of solid turkey ice.\u00a0 I can\u2019t even get the bag off.\u00a0 I think I may still actually be drunk.\u00a0 I\u2019m so ashamed.\u00a0 What can I do?<\/p>\n

Signed, Filled With Regret<\/p>\n

Dear Filled With Regret,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Lucky for you, I\u2019m an avid historian, so I can save your sorry hide with my expertise!\u00a0 It\u2019s a little known fact that turkeys aren\u2019t even an authentic Thanksgiving main course, so it\u2019s actually quite acceptable to serve something else.\u00a0 Forget that boring old bird.\u00a0 Instead, call yourself a purist and dish up what the original Pilgrims probably had for their main course:\u00a0 a couple of juicy wild eagles.\u00a0 If no eagles are available, swan is an acceptable substitute.\u00a0 Just don\u2019t forget the traditional eel-and-poopberry compote for a side dish.\u00a0 And they drank hot tar from wooden cups.\u00a0 Hope this helps, and\u00a0bon app\u00e9tit<\/em>!\u00a0 Or should I say (since French had not yet been invented in Pilgrim times), Huzzah!<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Dear Simcha,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m eleven months old.\u00a0 My mother is fairly useful, and I\u2019ve gotten accustomed to her smell.\u00a0 She can even be kind of funny sometimes, like with that noise she makes when I grab her lips and twist them around. But she has one really bad habit, and I don\u2019t know if I can tolerate it anymore.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, when I\u2019m awake, she puts me down.\u00a0 On the floor.\u00a0 For minutes at a time.\u00a0 She does this even though she knows perfectly well that the floor is a completely inappropriate and demeaning location for someone of my social standing (I basically run the household).\u00a0 Also, it\u2019s harder to bite her nose when she\u2019s not holding me.\u00a0 I\u2019m at my wit\u2019s end.\u00a0 What do you suggest?<\/p>\n

P.S.\u00a0\u00a0 Also, she sometimes tries to put socks on me.\u00a0 Socks, in November!\u00a0 How am I supposed to deal with this level of idiocy?<\/p>\n

Signed, Benedicta<\/p>\n

Dear Benedicta,<\/strong><\/p>\n

The main thing you need to keep in mind is that your mother really loves you and is trying her best, but that, because of the demands of her current schedule, she has the physical prowess and mental acuity of a damp Kleenex.\u00a0 She knows, deep in her heart, that putting you down is the wrong thing to do, but she feels that she can\u2019t help herself.<\/p>\n

What she needs is someone to help snap her out of her pathetic, self-pitying state.\u00a0 Have you tried screaming?\u00a0 If that doesn\u2019t work, have you tried screaming more?\u00a0 I really think you should try screaming, followed by some more screaming.\u00a0 Good luck!<\/p>\n

P.S.\u00a0 Don\u2019t forget that thing you do, where you put your little head down and then look up with your big, brown eyes.\u00a0 Once she reassembles herself from the puddle she instantly becomes when she meets your gaze, she will\u00a0want<\/em>\u00a0to pick you up, because you are a cutie wootie wootie, oh yes you are, and Mama loves you very much, oh yes she does.<\/p>\n

***<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Simcha,<\/strong><\/p>\n

We\u2019re having relatives over for Thanksgiving.\u00a0 We are polar opposites on just about every issue, and every other year, the feast quickly devolved into a screaming match, and everyone went home furious.\u00a0 Grandmama has convinced us to patch things up and get together again this year.\u00a0 We\u2019ve already agreed not to talk about politics, but there are so many other divisive topics of conversation.\u00a0 How can I be sure that we will have a peaceful and pleasant day?<\/p>\n

Signed,
\nWilliam Makepeace Crackery<\/p>\n

Dear Bill,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t underestimate the healing properties of just the right menu.\u00a0\u00a0Here are a few recipes that might just do the trick,<\/a>\u00a0and will give you the happy, quiet holiday your battered soul needs.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Hey \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

Leaving the office in a few minutes.\u00a0 Will meet you at Mom\u2019s.\u00a0 Thanks for making all eleven kinds of pie.\u00a0 It\u2019s so much easier to choose which one I want when I can actually see them, you know?\u00a0 Oh, some guy was selling puppies out of his trunk, so I picked up a few.\u00a0 You\u2019re so good with words \u2014 you can name the one with bowel problems.\u00a0 See you soon!<\/p>\n

love, D<\/p>\n

Dear D,<\/strong><\/p>\n

>>The following address has permanent fatal errors:\u00a0 simchafisher@gmail.com
\n(reason: 540 OY-001 (FEH0-GRR4-FU23)
\nIn order to avoid being placed on a permanent block list, please reconfigure your message so that it includes no puppies, and more gin.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed today.\u00a0 Some of you are alone, and many, many more of you desperately wish that you were.\u00a0 So, rather than tax you with a challenging or insightful essay, I thought I\u2019d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1533,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nWayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"I Have to Sit Down\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-11-26T13:41:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2015-11-17T18:47:58+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Simcha Fisher\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Simcha Fisher\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/\",\"name\":\"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-11-26T13:41:57+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-11-17T18:47:58+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0\"},\"description\":\"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/\",\"name\":\"I Have to Sit Down\",\"description\":\"Simcha Fisher\u2019s Blog\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0\",\"name\":\"Simcha Fisher\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Simcha Fisher\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/author\/sfisher\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha","description":"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha","og_description":"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/","og_site_name":"I Have to Sit Down","article_published_time":"2013-11-26T13:41:57+00:00","article_modified_time":"2015-11-17T18:47:58+00:00","author":"Simcha Fisher","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Simcha Fisher","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/","name":"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website"},"datePublished":"2013-11-26T13:41:57+00:00","dateModified":"2015-11-17T18:47:58+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0"},"description":"This post originally ran last year on the Register. ***************** Happy Thanksgiving!\u00a0 I know that many of you are very busy and\/or really depressed","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/11\/26\/wayback-wednesday-dear-simcha\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Wayback Wednesday: Dear Simcha"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/","name":"I Have to Sit Down","description":"Simcha Fisher\u2019s Blog","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0","name":"Simcha Fisher","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Simcha Fisher"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/author\/sfisher\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11573","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1533"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11573"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11573\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11573"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11573"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11573"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}