{"id":11743,"date":"2013-12-17T08:17:32","date_gmt":"2013-12-17T13:17:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=11743"},"modified":"2013-12-16T23:21:49","modified_gmt":"2013-12-17T04:21:49","slug":"tuesday-trowback-martha-and-mary-and-primitive-screwheads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2013\/12\/17\/tuesday-trowback-martha-and-mary-and-primitive-screwheads\/","title":{"rendered":"Tuesday T’rowback: Martha and Mary and Primitive Screwheads"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

[This post ran on the Register<\/em> about this time of year in 2011.]<\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

This year, we were bound and determined not to ruin the last few weeks of Advent with shopping.<\/p>\n

This year, no sobbing in the aisles of Target as some undeserving jerk nabs the western hemisphere\u2019s last remaining copy of Godzilla Unleashed<\/em> for Wii. No tense evenings hunched over the computer as mom and dad show their love for their family by nearly coming to blows over whether or not one can trust the Amazon reviewers of the Li\u2019l Cutie Maggot Farm Starter Kit.<\/p>\n

No, this year, we were going to dispense with that foolishness, and keep Advent the way it ought to be: a holy season of quiet anticipation and preparation. We were, for once, going to choose the better part.<\/p>\n

We accomplished this by cramming all of the shopping into the\u00a0first\u00a0<\/em>couple of weeks of Advent.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry, but\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0go ahead and find even modest presents and stocking stuffers for eight children without getting a little wrought up over it. It\u2019s too late to turn into one of those nice families that doesn\u2019t care a whit about material things. You don\u2019t just suddenly tell a 9-year-old boy, \u201cSon, you\u2019ve been waiting all your life to be old enough to have your own MP3 player, much like the ones your older sisters unwrapped so gleefully last Christmas. But this year, we have a\u00a0much better plan<\/em>. Everyone\u2019s going to get a biography of Blessed Ubalda the Dreary and a nearly new pair of socks, and some missionaries in Bangalore have promised to remember you at Matins!\u201d<\/p>\n

The truth is, I really don\u2019t feel bad about making a big deal about presents\u2014or, for that matter, about any of the sensuous foofarah that goes along with preparations for Christmas. I\u2019m more or less at peace with the balance we\u2019ve found between Mary and Martha, hymns and gingerbread, piety and pie. We try to make Advent a distinctly spiritual season, but a distinctly pleasant one: Every prayer comes with a cookie attached\u2014because, darn it, cookies make us happy, and so does the Incarnation. That seems right to me, especially with so many little kids in the house. (The trick will be to make sure that our kids continue to spend Christmas with us when they get older, so I can continue to have cookies with my prayers.)<\/p>\n

However, we do draw the line somewhere. This year, my husband and I spent a good 40 minutes online hunting down a specific action figure\u2014which, I hasten to add,\u00a0no one actually asked for<\/em>\u2014until we realized that maybe, just maybe, this particular gift wasn\u2019t the most appropriate way to celebrate the birth of our Savior.<\/p>\n

Oh, I have nothing against action figures in general. Actually, I do. The prices they charge for these shoddy little, poorly-painted hunks of plastic just designed to lose limbs and accessories and cause grief and heartache until they disappear entirely! They seems to me like the worst present ever. But the grit of my grousing has been gradually covered over, year by year, by the pearly nacre of inexplicable joy shining on the face of a kid who really, really, really wanted a three-inch representation of Indiana Jones, and who got a three-inch representation of Indiana Jones. I know happiness when I see it. I still don\u2019t get it, but I\u2019m willing to admit that, for some kids, an action figure is a Good Present.<\/p>\n

Except for the one for which we came within inches of pressing \u201cbuy now\u201d last night. It was\u00a0this guy<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\"image\"<\/p>\n

As you can see, it\u2019s part of a play set for children. Just previous to the tasteful vignette depicted here, Ash has managed to scrape his face off the hot stove, whereon he was hurled by a team of malicious miniature Ash demons. After being impaled with a barbecue fork, Ash retaliates by swallowing one of the mini Ashes and the scalding him with a bellyful of boiling water. But! (and this is where the \u201cplay set for kids\u201d part comes in) when he regains consciousness, he discovers that an entire new Ash\u2014Evil Ash\u2014is growing inside him, and, in a truly revolting and explicit scene of anguish, it begins to separate gruesomely from his body as it grows into a full-sized man.<\/p>\n

After that, it gets kind of gross.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s that you say? You can\u2019t believe that good Catholic parents would allow their children even to\u00a0know<\/em>\u00a0about such a clearly demonic and horrifying movie, much less let them watch it, much less let them watch it often enough (twice!) that an innocent and malleable 9-year-old soul might actually consider such a gift to be desirable?<\/p>\n

Yeah, well. How about I give you the address of those missionaries in Bangalore. Apparently they\u2019re running a special this year, and you can get a whole novena said for the salvation of our family\u2019s souls\u2014half price!<\/p>\n

You know what the worst part is? I lied. We\u2019re only halfway done shopping. But still, we didn\u2019t buy Evil Ash. And for a couple of primitive screwheads like us, I think that\u2019s pretty good.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[This post ran on the Register about this time of year in 2011.] ***** This year, we were bound and determined not to ruin the last few weeks of Advent with shopping. This year, no sobbing in the aisles of Target as some undeserving jerk nabs the western hemisphere\u2019s last remaining copy of Godzilla Unleashed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1533,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11743","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nTuesday T'rowback: Martha and Mary and Primitive Screwheads<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"***** This year, we were bound and determined not to ruin the last few weeks of Advent with shopping. 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