{"id":15650,"date":"2015-02-09T10:33:55","date_gmt":"2015-02-09T15:33:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=15650"},"modified":"2015-02-09T10:33:55","modified_gmt":"2015-02-09T15:33:55","slug":"on-valentines-day-communication-and-not-getting-kicked-in-the-nuts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/09\/on-valentines-day-communication-and-not-getting-kicked-in-the-nuts\/","title":{"rendered":"On Valentine’s day, communication, and not getting kicked in the nuts"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"Here<\/a>
Here lies Doug, the perfect husband.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

\u00a0<\/p>\n

This year, I revealed to my husband that I actually kind of like Valentine\u2019s Day. \u00a0This is despite all the times I told him that I hated it, it\u2019s lame and stupid, and a made-up, over-commercialized saccharine-fest invented by Hallmark and Big Floral. \u00a0 For fourteen years, the poor man has been wondering why, every February 14, I would say I wasn\u2019t mad at him, while I was clearly mad at him.<\/p>\n

I was mad, you see, because everyone else was getting flowers and riding in heart-shaped hot air balloons and\u2013 I don\u2019t know, eating hot fudge sundaes that turned out to have a tiny violin player at the bottom. \u00a0And here I was getting nothing,which is what I repeatedly told him I wanted<\/em>. \u00a0Pray for me: \u00a0I\u2019m married to a monster.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I finally realized that it doesn\u2019t make me defective to enjoy flowers \u2014 and that if it\u2019s artificial to suddenly act romantic on a nationally-specified day \u2014 well, we need all the help we can get. \u00a0Alarm clocks are artificial, too, but if they didn\u2019t automatically remind us of what we ought to do, we\u2019d be in big trouble. \u00a0 So, yeah, I asked him to get me flowers, and take the plastic wrap off, and he will, and I\u2019m going to like them. \u00a0Whew, that wasn\u2019t so hard!<\/p>\n

Having taken this huge leap forward in our communication skills, I decided to hunt around to see what normal human beings do on Valentine\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n

If you want to feel like you\u2019ve got your act together, just ask the internet a question. \u00a0Okay, maybe not in all circumstances. \u00a0If you\u2019re rewiring your living room, for instance, or trying to remove the Spaghetti-o decoupage from an angry cat, you may very well have lots to learn.<\/p>\n

But if you need help with your relationships? \u00a0A quick trip down Google lane will have you feeling like an expert, a champion, a genius, a hero of common sense and decency. \u00a0For instance, if you Google \u201cWhat do guys want for Valentine\u2019s Day?\u201d you will come across\u00a0this depressing paen to modern love, written by a man<\/a>:<\/p>\n

One of my favorite presents was a trip to the grocery store.<\/p>\n

I remember the clear, cloudless day, sun shining down on me proudly pushing my cart into Central Market. Rachel was with me, and some friends who came along.<\/p>\n

I picked up a steak and set it in the cart. Rachel said, \u201cThat\u2019s great, Doug!\u201d<\/p>\n

I grabbed some chips. Rachel said, \u201cThat\u2019s really great, Doug!\u201d<\/p>\n

I picked up some really expensive jam. Rachel said, \u201cYum, that will be really great, Doug!\u201d<\/p>\n

In fact everything I picked up got the same response from her (or very close to it), and that was my present: I could choose anything I wanted, and she could only say how great everything was. What an awesome gift that was, a trip to the grocery store.<\/p>\n

So what did I get, besides some red AND yellow peppers?<\/p>\n

I got what most men want. I was accepted.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I weep for America. \u00a0I weep for mankind. \u00a0I weep for myself, because this is the saddest, stupidest thing I\u2019ve ever read, and I read it three times to make sure I wasn\u2019t missing something. \u00a0What is Doug going to get for Christmas from the gracious lady Rachel? \u00a0A coupon for Not Getting Kicked In the Nuts?<\/p>\n

You know, I probably treat my husband this way sometimes. \u00a0But the difference is, neither one of us is okay with it. \u00a0We don\u2019t assume that relentless criticism and belittling is part of a normal relationship \u2014 we try to get past it. \u00a0And please note,Doug and Rachel\u2019s travesty of a relationship is just as much Doug\u2019s fault as it is Rachel\u2019s<\/em>: \u00a0 women can\u2019t demean their husbands and boyfriends without the man allowing, even wanting it to happen. \u00a0It takes two to be this dysfunctional.<\/p>\n

This reminds me of the story of the man who had invented a brilliant method for saving money on the farm. \u00a0\u201cOn the first week,\u201d he says, \u201cI fed my \u00a0horse a bale of hay. \u00a0On the second week, I fed him half a bale of hay. \u00a0On the third week, I fed him a quarter of a bale. \u00a0I was damn near to teaching the horse to live on nothing at all, but on the fourth week, the ungrateful sonofabitch died on me!\u201d<\/p>\n

Happy stupid Valentine\u2019s Day, folks. \u00a0I hope you get something nice. \u00a0Or if you get nothing, I hope at least it doesn\u2019t feel like a gift!<\/p>\n

****<\/p>\n

(This post first ran in 2011.)<\/em><\/p>\n

horse skeleton image via Wikimedia Commons<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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