{"id":15660,"date":"2015-02-13T10:08:55","date_gmt":"2015-02-13T15:08:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=15660"},"modified":"2015-02-13T10:08:55","modified_gmt":"2015-02-13T15:08:55","slug":"gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/","title":{"rendered":"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel’s hetero stage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"L0032010<\/a><\/p>\n

Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just can\u2019t decide if we\u2019re all about rugged individualism, progressive environmentalism, or just good old fashioned booze chugging:<\/p>\n

Hybrids Trump Handicapped At Liquor Store<\/a><\/p>\n

In order to receive Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design certification, Nashua\u2019s new 20,000-square foot liquor store, which is owned and operated by the state, was \u201cbuilt with solar panels, geo-thermal heating and cooling systems, local building materials and recycled products.\u201d<\/p>\n

The problem?\u00a0 It was also designed with reserved parking spaces right in front of the door.\u00a0 Not for the handicapped, though\u2014they had those, too, but they were further down.\u00a0 Who got the primo spots?\u00a0 Low emission and hybrid cars, of course!<\/p>\n

Yeah.<\/p>\n

Apparently there is some fishy explanation that the handicapped spots were placed halfway between both entrances, so handicapped people could reach the main door and the bathroom door with equal ease.\u00a0 This explanation should relieve your concerns, as long as the handicap they have in mind is a small bladder.<\/p>\n

See, I frequently get accused of hating the environment in a most un-christian way, but this is not fair.\u00a0 I actually love the natural world, and my family\u2019s lifestyle is amazingly green.\u00a0 No, really all I hate is professional environmentalists, because of the way they are jerks.<\/p>\n

The sheer moronitude of the environmental planning board\u2019s decision boggles the mind.\u00a0 First, how did they not realize how much outrage it would generate?\u00a0 It\u2019s a policy just begging for inflammatory headlines.\u00a0 I\u2019m imagining the environmentalists putting their heads together, realizing that ideas like forced sterilizations make them kind of unpopular.\u00a0 \u201cI know!\u201d says one stringy fellow in hemp biking shorts.\u00a0 \u201cWe need a new message, to make our ideas more palatable.\u00a0 How does this strike you: \u2018Nyah, nyah, cripples\u2014we got here first!<\/i>\u2019 \u201d\u00a0 And the rest of them were like, \u201cIf I weren\u2019t going through a hetero stage right now, Nigel, I\u2019d kiss you on the mouth.\u201d<\/p>\n

Second, Nashua, NH is a pretty left-leaning little city.\u00a0 But it\u2019s still NH, folks\u2014not especially known for our tree-hugging ways.\u00a0 We like trees.\u00a0 We also burn them.\u00a0 We recycle because it\u2019s easier than lugging stuff out to the fire pit in the back yahd.\u00a0 We wear natural fiber clothes because that\u2019s what was half price at the rummage sale.\u00a0 We don\u2019t fly on gas-guzzling jets because there\u2019s no one we want to go see, as long as we have a six pack of MGD and an aluminum lawn chair in the living room back home.<\/p>\n

Third, I don\u2019t know if this is a NH thing or just a thing, but have you ever actually seen people park?\u00a0 They will endlessly circle the lot like lunatics, spending twenty minutes on perfect spot-hunting for every two minutes they spend actually shopping.\u00a0 To encourage less gas consumption, the state should issue \u201cRidiculously Lazy\u201d tags, and designate parking spots inside the store itself.\u00a0 You\u2019d solve the budget problem right there, selling lazy tags.<\/p>\n

Fourth, your typical hybrid car driver is permanently intoxicated by a sense of his own wonderfulness anyway, so what is he doing at the liquor store?<\/p>\n

No, if there were any justice in the world, I\u2019ll tell you what the parking lot would look like.<\/p>\n

First in line would be handicapped people, because they\u2019re handicapped.<\/p>\n

Second in line: pregnant women, with or without other children in tow.\u00a0 If you\u2019re outraged at the idea of a pregnant woman visiting the liquor store, I\u2019ll join you.\u00a0 It\u2019s an outrage!\u00a0 The liquor store should be making house calls from the second trimester on.<\/p>\n

Third:\u00a0 people who really need a drink, no questions asked.\u00a0 Come on, it\u2019s a liquor store.\u00a0 Liquor.\u00a0 Liquor.<\/p>\n

And so on.<\/p>\n

But you know, I would go further than designating spots for easy accessablity.\u00a0 As long as this kind of obnoxious social engineering is now kosher, let\u2019s put the power of shame to work\u2014let\u2019s designate parking spots for people who could benefit from a few obstacles to easy access.<\/p>\n

For instance, college students could have spots reserved at the nearest Catholic church.\u00a0 That way, sooner or later they\u2019re bound to regain consciousness at a time when confession is scheduled.\u00a0 Priests are tough; they can handle getting thrown up on from time to time, to save a soul.<\/p>\n

Women who don\u2019t especially like the taste of alcohol, and who are in danger of throwing away perfectly good cash on\u00a0ridiculous new gynocentric beverages<\/a>, could be required to park at Wendy\u2019s, where they easily buy what they clearly actually want:\u00a0 a nice milk shake.<\/p>\n

Progressive consumers on the prowl for wine with edgy, esoteric hipster names like or \u201cListeriosis Nouvelle\u201d or \u201cCh\u00e2teauneuf a la My Slug Wears a Spangled Fedora Ho Ho Isn\u2019t That Droll\u201d could probably find ample parking up their own, oh, um, why am I writing for a Catholic publication again?<\/p>\n

In closing, I\u2019d like to say:\u00a0 Are you going to eat that olive?<\/p>\n

****<\/span><\/p>\n

This post originally ran blah blah blah some other time, completely irrelevant now, might as well get paid for it twice. \u00a0I\u2019m officially full term as of yesterday, and have spent the last week getting not one or two but three runarounds from three different doctors, one pharmacy, and of course one insurance company, and now they want me to see their therapist because I SEEM UPSET. So, here is a post for you, damn your eyes.<\/p>\n

image courtesy of Wellcome\u00a0<\/a>Library<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just can\u2019t decide if we\u2019re all about rugged individualism, progressive environmentalism, or just good old fashioned booze chugging: Hybrids Trump Handicapped At Liquor Store In order to receive Leadership in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1533,"featured_media":15664,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15660","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nGynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"I Have to Sit Down\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/358\/2015\/02\/liquor.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"758\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"576\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Simcha Fisher\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Simcha Fisher\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/\",\"name\":\"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0\"},\"description\":\"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel’s hetero stage\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/\",\"name\":\"I Have to Sit Down\",\"description\":\"Simcha Fisher\u2019s Blog\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0\",\"name\":\"Simcha Fisher\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Simcha Fisher\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/author\/sfisher\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage","description":"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage","og_description":"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/","og_site_name":"I Have to Sit Down","article_published_time":"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00","og_image":[{"width":758,"height":576,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/358\/2015\/02\/liquor.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Simcha Fisher","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Simcha Fisher","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/","name":"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel's hetero stage","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website"},"datePublished":"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00","dateModified":"2015-02-13T15:08:55+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0"},"description":"Afraid the world is getting smarter?\u00a0 Set your fears to rest with this story from my increasingly schizophrenic home state of New Hampshire, where we just","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2015\/02\/13\/gynocentric-beverages-parking-for-cripples-and-nigels-hetero-stage\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Gynocentric beverages, parking for cripples, and Nigel’s hetero stage"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/","name":"I Have to Sit Down","description":"Simcha Fisher\u2019s Blog","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/c57bb0baf56a42a1d63880e79257f0c0","name":"Simcha Fisher","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/5090b714b557660c771c7ba537fed8df?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Simcha Fisher"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/author\/sfisher\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15660","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1533"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15660"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15660\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15664"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15660"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15660"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15660"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}