![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/358\/2011\/07\/pants-of-dignity-21.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nPretty classy, am I right? Big seller in the Steubenville.<\/p>\n
At this point, some of you may be wondering where Simcha is, and why she is letting me get away with this, again.<\/p>\n
See, for reasons even I don\u2019t quite get, there are times Simcha ditches the blog and allows me to post here. Confidentially, this usually happens around the same time The Moody Blues tour comes around.<\/p>\n This being county fair season, Simcha is otherwise indisposed for the duration.<\/p>\n During the last foray into the depths of my movie watching despair, Cari <\/a>\u00a0made a request for the next review. I\u00a0immediately\u00a0rejected her idea as stoopid. Then, I remembered some <\/a>of the other <\/a>movies <\/a>I\u2019ve reviewed<\/a>.<\/p>\n OK, \u00a0so Cari gets her review.<\/p>\n Ladyhawke<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0Before we delve too deeply into this mess, I gotta say, I have no\u00a0memory\u00a0of\u00a0watching\u00a0this movie.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, I did watch it just a few nights ago. I was mostly sober too. But, it just kinda of slipped away right after watching. Strangley, this is not the first time I\u2019ve\u00a0watched\u00a0this very same movie, only to forget it nearly instantly.<\/p>\n If I can reveal a little bit about myself \u2013 don\u2019t worry the pants will stay on \u2013 I never forget movies, or TV shows for that matter.<\/p>\n Seriously, I can pretty much give you a run down of every episode of F-Troop<\/em>, or anything starring William Bendix, and don\u2019t get me started on the first season of Murder She Wrote<\/em>, before that show lost its edge.<\/p>\n The point is, I have a mind for crap entertainment. I never forget this stuff.<\/p>\n Especially my old buddy Kolchak. Though, that zombie episode kinda blew.<\/p>\n Aside from the other night, the memory of which gets hazier the more write, and the more beer I drink, I did see Ladyhawke<\/em> in the theater when it came out. I remember the theater lobby. I remember the popcorn. I remember the lights going down. But the movie?<\/p>\n Who?<\/p>\n Umm.<\/p>\n Ahhh.<\/p>\n The producers manage to find the Dutch equivalant of\u00a0NyQuil\u00a0for the leading man. Honestly, this guy is a lamer veriosn of Christopher Lambert.<\/p>\n We\u2019ll get to you later.<\/p>\n Hey, Dutch people, lookit, we kinda saved you like\u00a0every time\u00a0The Nazis invaded you, and you\u00a0thank\u00a0us with Rutger Hauer? Next time don\u2019t expect us to come running.<\/p>\n The plot, as I gather,\u00a0concerns\u00a0this here Hauzer fellow and his pet bird, Michelle Pfeiffer.<\/p>\n Some of you fellas may disagree with me here, but this lady is like the boring version of cardboard. Has she ever been interesting? She\u2019s not even convicncing as a lady cursed to turn into a hawke every day. You wants a\u00a0convincing\u00a0bird lady?<\/p>\n Anyhoo, so it seems Rubarb and Birdy were in love, but it had to be kept secret from the scheming, control-freak bishop whose sexual perversions led him to use black magic.<\/p>\n Please send all hate mail to thejerksoesnotlikeyou@gmail.com.<\/p>\n No, the bad guy movie bishop is this guy:<\/p>\n He kinda looks like my grandma, before we put her in the home.<\/p>\n Bishop Old Lady here puts a curse on Ruger Howitzer and Birdy Bird Bird so that all day, she\u2019s a hawke, but all night he\u2019s a wolf. This movie easily could have been called Manwolf<\/em>. Except\u00a0that\u2019s\u00a0even stupider than Ladyhawke<\/em>.<\/p>\n This wacky curse keeps the pair\u00a0separated, even though they are always together. It\u2019s one of those great unrequited\u00a0romances that make up so much our our\u00a0literary\u00a0culture.<\/p>\n C\u2019mon. Like I\u2019m the only one who sensed this tension?<\/p>\n The unhappy couple was betrayed to the bishop\u00a0inadvertently by their confessor, who kinda blurted it out when he had too much to drink and was talking to the bishop. Not gonna say anything about confessors I have had. Not. Gonna. Say. Anything.<\/p>\n The\u00a0filmmakers\u00a0managed to get the great Leo McKern for the role of the\u00a0disgraced\u00a0priest.<\/p>\n But the whole\u00a0linchpin\u00a0for this movie? The one actor whose dynamism pulled it altogether into a rousing entertainment? They next great action star? They didn\u2019t get that guy. Instead, they hired this guy:<\/p>\n Yup. Matthew Broderick. It kinda makes sense to put him in a period picture set in the middle-ish ages, with knights on horses and whatnot, given his \u2013 let\u2019s say- proclivities.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not that this is the worst movie ever made. Far from it. It\u2019s just kinda dull, and extraordinarily\u00a0forgettable. It\u2019s almost as if this was created as an experiment in induced memory loss. I do blame the director, Richard Donner.<\/p>\n Not to be all judgy, or anything, cause being judgy is bad, but this guy is going to Hell.<\/p>\n Not only did he make Superman boring, not only did he fail to ever make a\u00a0sequel\u00a0to The Goonies<\/em>, but this is the moron who helped make Mel Gibson a major action star.<\/p>\n If you want to see a real movie, with a vaugley European leading man, ton of action, a kickass soundtrack, and loads of Sean Connery, I suggest Highlander<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n Speaking of which, Highlander<\/em> will be the subject of my next review. Assuming Meatloaf still plans to bring his tour out this way, expect that sometime next week.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I was marketing athletic clothing for Catholic women. Pretty classy, am I right? Big seller in the Steubenville. At this point, some of you may be wondering where Simcha is, and why she is letting me get away with this, again. See, for reasons […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1558,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[31,52,95,98,149,177],"class_list":["post-4691","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-birdy-bird-bird","tag-dignity-pants","tag-kolchak","tag-ladyhawke","tag-ruger-howitzer","tag-the-jerk"],"yoast_head":"\n<\/a><\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/a>\n<\/a><\/a>