If you\u2019re new at being pregnant \u2014 if this, for instance, only your sixth or seventh child \u2014 you probably know how many weeks along you are. \u00a0You will be able to recite exactly which fetal neurodendons are likely being formed at this moment, and can calculate to the minute how far away your due date is.<\/p>\n
If this is, however, your ninth pregnancy or beyond, you take the longer view: \u00a0all you can really be sure about is whether or not your water has broken yet. \u00a0Not \u00a0yet? \u00a0Okay, then you gotta make supper again, darn it.<\/p>\n
For those of us who have long ago abandoned our manuals and our pregnancy journals, here are some helpful tips for identifying whether you are in the third trimester:<\/p>\n
1. \u00a0Being pregnant is all you can think about. \u00a0<\/strong>Say, for instance, that you\u2019ve agreed to write three posts a week about Catholic culture, politics, liturgy, spirituality, and other matters of general interest to Catholic readers. \u00a0The first topic that pops into your head is, \u201cHave you seen my FEET?\u201d \u00a0Then, rather than thinking, \u201cWait, that doesn\u2019t really have anything to do with Catholicism,\u201d you go ahead and write about it.<\/p>\n 2. \u00a0You have totally relinquished anything like a sense of personal dignity<\/strong>. \u00a0In theory, you know that you are one of the grande dames of the domestic church, the very mirror of Our Lady, anchor of civilization and hope of the future. \u00a0But in practice, your one and only goal in life is finding the next bathroom as quickly as possible. \u00a0There are only so many times you can walk into an exam room, find out how many elephants you could displace in a pool of water, and then let someone \u2013 erm, \u201ctake a look\u201d at you in an exceptionally personal way, before it starts to take its toll on your avidity for decorum. \u00a0 \u201cHey,\u201d you will find yourself barking at the guy in the toll booth, \u201cLet\u2019s speed this up! \u00a0My cervix isn\u2019t getting any less effaced!\u201d \u00a0He looks at you in a weird way, and you assume this is because HE has a problem.<\/p>\n 3. \u00a0You do an excellent imitation of efficiency, but are about as effective as a blindfolded duck.<\/strong> \u00a0You make a doctor\u2019s appointment, dream that you cancelled it, wake up and call a slightly baffled receptionist to reschedule, forget to write down the new date, notice the old date on the calendar at the \u201clast minute,\u201d show up ten minutes \u201clate\u201d in a frantic lather, and discover that you\u2019re in the wrong building anyway. \u00a0And wonder why the sheaves of \u201cYou and Your Colostomy\u201d pamphlets in the waiting room didn\u2019t tip you off. \u00a0So as not to waste a trip, you stop at the supermarket at the way home, and then drop exhausted onto the couch, where you sleep through your real appointment, leaving four gallons of milk rotting in the sun the back of the car.<\/p>\n 4. \u00a0By 4 p.m., your aphasia is almost complete.<\/strong> \u00a0You start out the day unable to remember nouns. \u00a0By noon, verb and adjectives are on their way out. \u00a0But by the time the kids come home from school, and you\u2019re in charge of making sure they pack nutritious lunches, do their chores and homework, take showers, pick out clothes for tomorrow, and hand over all the important papers you\u2019re responsible for as a caring parent, you\u2019re reduced to standing in the middle of the kitchen pointing at their grinning faces and yelling, \u201cYou! \u00a0That! \u00a0Now, it! \u00a0Oh, why can\u2019t you!\u201d \u00a0Even God thinks this is funny.<\/p>\n 5. \u00a0In the immortal words of Lili Von Shtupp<\/strong>\u00a0: \u00a0Let\u2019s face it, everything below the waist is kaput.<\/p>\n