{"id":6772,"date":"2012-05-07T07:00:02","date_gmt":"2012-05-07T11:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/?p=6772"},"modified":"2016-09-30T15:01:22","modified_gmt":"2016-09-30T20:01:22","slug":"the-jerk-reformed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/simchafisher\/2012\/05\/07\/the-jerk-reformed\/","title":{"rendered":"The Jerk Reformed"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I got your cat pregnant.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
MEOW!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If you\u2019re still reading and not simultaneously trying to call the police, Bob Barker, and your local exorcist while throwing holy water on your computer screen, allow me to apologize.<\/p>\n

If I have ever offended you for any reason, I am sorry. Did my snarkiness about Opus Dei inflame your righteous heart? I\u2019m sorry. Were my jokes about Rutger Hauer<\/a> too cruel for your delicate tastes? I\u2019m sorry. Are you a member of the La Leche League? Really, really, really sorry.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Accepted!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

(For the unintiated, that\u2019s Dame Judy Drench<\/a>, the attorney for the La Leche League. It\u2019s \u2026 complicated.)<\/p>\n

You must be asking yourselves if the ol\u2019 The Jerk finally got sober. No, no sobriety for me, I\u2019m drunk on faith. Real Faith. Real Catholic Faith.<\/p>\n

See, my whole life changed recently when I\u00a0discovered\u00a0how awesome\u00a0Catholicism\u00a0can be when combined with crappy production values and sketchy facts. That\u2019s right, I\u2019m now a Vortechie.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
That\u2019s Vortexie!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Nice marmot.<\/p>\n

During a recent bender that included cough medicine, Miller Genuine Draft, and lots and lots of cat nip, I stumbled across this guy on Youtube. I know so much more about Real\u00a0Catholicism\u00a0now. Like this:<\/p>\n

1. Harry Potter wants to sodomize your children.<\/p>\n

2. All the bishops are secretly gay. All of them.<\/p>\n

3. And the Jews are out to get me.<\/p>\n

Talk about the Good News!<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided to let The Vorinator be my guide going forward, starting with this movie review. I know a lot of you ladies wanted me to\u00a0review\u00a0something girly and lame like The Princess Bride<\/em>, but I now know I don\u2019t have to do anything you say. The only thing I owe you is my masculinity, meaning my ability to get you pregnant. Real Catholic Pregnant! You want wine? Buy your own bottle of Boones!<\/p>\n

On to the movie!<\/p>\n

THE SHADOW<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I know what you\u2019re thinking, it\u2019s all about a guy who people think is no good, but he\u2019s secretly the most awesome super hero ever. WRONG!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s all about the Jews.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
You tell \u2019em!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

That\u2019s right, see, the \u201chero\u201d lives in New York. New York City! Is a billionaire. Runs a secret society that has agents in every area of society. Lives in New York City!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I also run the media. And Arbys.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Yup, this\u00a0perverse\u00a0monstrosity of a \u201cmovie\u201d is trying to get us to root for this Shadow person. Who is played by Alec Baldwin no less! People used to think of him as the most talented Baldwin brother, when in fact he is simply the most\u00a0disappointing\u00a0Baldwin brother.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
So, you watched The Cat In The Hat?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

In the movie, based on the degenerate \u201cradio\u201d show, The Shadow learns everything about\u00a0controlling\u00a0people\u2019s minds in the far east. Do I need to go any\u00a0further? He\u2019s obviously trying to undermine The Church.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Who wants to hold my hands while we say the Our Father?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

SEE!!!<\/p>\n

Ugh. It\u2019s bad enough we\u2019re supposed to \u201croot\u201d for this person, but then the amoral movie producers, who probably live in Hollywood(!) thrown in this excuse for a woman as the female lead.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I secretly want to be a priest!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

That\u2019s right, Penelope Ann Miller! A woman so vile Our Lady weeps every time she gets a movie \u201crole.\u201d Know why? Take a look at this:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
I don\u2019t care about the marital debt.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

YOU CALL THOSE BIRTHING HIPS?<\/p>\n

Oh, and get this, The \u201cShadow\u201d is supposed to save Penelope Ann Miller\u2019s father from the villains. Guess who plays him?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Well hello.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

That\u2019s right, \u201cMark\u201d Shea\u2019s favorite actor, Sir Ian McKellen! Who is gay!<\/p>\n

There\u2019s more to this plot, I think. To be honest, I spent most of the movie\u2019s runtime in a simmering rage at the affront to the Real Catholic faith it showed in scene after scene after scene.\u00a0I have to say this: If the Mass were still in Latin, this movie would never have been made.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
True Dat.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Since I no longer\u00a0believe\u00a0in the corrupt system of letting you people pick the next movie \u2014 because that is clearly an idea from the devil \u2014 I\u2019m gonna give you three choices for a poll, let you \u201cvote\u201d and then ignore the results and go with whatever I feel like.<\/p>\n

We can go with:<\/p>\n

The Highlander, starring famous secret Jew Sean Connery.<\/p>\n

The Phantom, starring famous secret Jew Billy Zane.<\/p>\n

Or<\/p>\n

The Expendables, starring famous secret Jew Sylvester Stallone.<\/p>\n

\u201cVote\u201d now.<\/p>\n

[polldaddy poll=6203981]<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi, I\u2019m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I got your cat pregnant. If you\u2019re still reading and not simultaneously trying to call the police, Bob Barker, and your local exorcist while throwing holy water on your computer screen, allow me to apologize. If I have ever offended you for any reason, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1558,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[16,23,41,81,111,154,177,187],"class_list":["post-6772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-mark-shea","tag-alec-baldwin-hates-the-church","tag-cats","tag-i-miss-sean-connery-in-tight-clothing","tag-movies","tag-secret-jews","tag-the-jerk","tag-vorinator"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Jerk Reformed<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Hi, I'm The Jerk. 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