{"id":17613,"date":"2013-09-06T17:28:10","date_gmt":"2013-09-06T21:28:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/?p=17613"},"modified":"2013-09-06T17:28:10","modified_gmt":"2013-09-06T21:28:10","slug":"nra-your-young-men-shall-receive-phone-calls","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/2013\/09\/06\/nra-your-young-men-shall-receive-phone-calls\/","title":{"rendered":"NRA: Your young men shall receive phone calls"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Nicolae: The Rise of Antichrist;<\/em> pp. 183-189<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pay no attention to the rebuilt Temple<\/a> in Jerusalem, Buck Williams is trying to find his friend.<\/p>\n

Buck has returned to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to convince the Two Witnesses \u2014 invulnerable, fire-breathing street preachers who are actually Moses and Elijah, returned to the living as dispensationalist evangelical Christians \u2014 to tell him specifically where he can find former-Rabbi Tsion Ben-Judah. This is tricky, since the duo only speaks in biblical fragments \u2014 snippets of verses from a collection of texts composed and compiled long after they lived and died.<\/p>\n

What we have here, in other words, is another four pages or so in which it seems like Buck Williams is using Strong\u2019s Exhaustive Concordance<\/em> like a Magic Eight Ball. First, though, Jerry Jenkins sets the scene:<\/p>\n

Buck did not at first see the two witnesses. A small group of sailors strolled past the wrought-iron fence at the end of the Wall where the witnesses usually stood and preached. The sailors chatted in English and one pointed. \u201cI think that\u2019s them, right over there,\u201d he said.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Buck knows they\u2019re sailors, I guess, because they\u2019re probably wearing World War II-era white service uniforms from the U.S. Navy, just like the extras strolling past in sailor-suits in old movies from the 1940s.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
\u201cJeru \u2013 Salem, it\u2019s a heckuva town. The Temple\u2019s up and the Kidron is down \u2026\u201d<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

These couldn\u2019t be U.S. Navy sailors, of course, because in this book the U.S. Navy has been abolished, along with the U.S. itself, which was absorbed into the Antichrist\u2019s one-world government Global Community. The Global Community Navy probably adopted those classic white service uniforms, though, just as the Global Community has apparently adopted American English as its official one-world language.<\/p>\n

Jerusalem is an odd place for sailors to be strolling about. This far inland, acting like tourists, they\u2019re apparently on shore leave. Or, given the geography of this book that we\u2019ll look at next week, perhaps they\u2019re from a Global Community air craft carrier stationed on the Wadi Qelt.<\/p>\n

Enlisting in the GC Navy was a good move, since it seems that World War III (which, ohbytheway<\/em>, is still currently raging, not that one would notice from any scene not directly about that war) is being fought exclusively by the GC Air Force. I suppose, though, that the Navy will seem less attractive if we ever get to the trumpets of divine wrath, and the bit where \u201csomething like a great mountain, burning with fire, was thrown into the sea.\u00a0A third of the sea became blood, a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gabey, Chip and Ozzie linger for a bit to gawk at the Two Witnesses, but it\u2019s late and Moses and Elijah are taking a breather from declaring, \u201cThus saith the Lord, harken unto the words that the Lord sayeth and heed them, verily, for they are the Lord\u2019s words spoken unto you by the Lord.\u201d So the sailors wander off, alas, before Ann Miller and Betty Garrett show up and they start singing some old Green\/Comden tunes<\/a>.<\/p>\n

As soon as the young men were out of the area, Eli and Moishe raised their heads and looked directly at Buck. He walked directly to the fence. The witnesses rose and stood about 20 feet from Buck. \u201cI need clarification,\u201d Buck whispered. \u201cCan I know more about my friend\u2019s location?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe who has ears \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know that,\u201d Buck said, \u201cbut I \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would dare interrupt the servants of the Most High God?\u201d Eli said.<\/p>\n

\u201cForgive me,\u201d Buck said. He wanted to explain himself but decided to remain silent.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And here the whole cryptic, Bible-code-speak business falls apart. Buck doesn\u2019t realized he\u2019s just stumbled onto something important: If you interrupt<\/em> the Two Witnesses, they\u2019ll speak like humans, addressing you directly instead of just repeating random fragments of scripture like malfunctioning animatronics in Disney\u2019s Hall of Prophets.<\/p>\n

Moishe spoke. \u201cYou must first communicate with one who loves you.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

See? That\u2019s not a Bible verse either. Interrupt these guys and they\u2019ll almost start sounding like they\u2019d pass the Turing Test. Almost.<\/p>\n

Buck waited for more. The witnesses stood there, silent. He held out both hands in puzzlement.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That\u2019s a bit of a stretch. Here is Buck Williams in one of the rare moments when he\u2019s not on the phone, \u201cpuzzled\u201d at how to communicate with those who are far away.<\/p>\n

He felt a vibration in his shoulder bag and realized his cell phone was buzzing. Now what was he supposed to do? If he wasn\u2019t to interrupt the servants of the Most High God, did he dare take a call while conversing with them? He felt a fool. He moved away from the fence and grabbed the phone, clicked it open, and said, \u201cThis is Buck.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBuck! It\u2019s Chloe!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We\u2019ll skip over the lines here where Buck tries to tell her he can\u2019t talk just now, dimly failing to realize that this phone call is what Moishe was talking about. That bit is as belabored as all the other passages in these books where Jenkins attempts to make readers feel smart by making his characters act dumb. The important part is this bit:<\/p>\n

\u201cBuck, just tell me you\u2019re not at the King David. \u2026 I just have this feeling that you should not be in that hotel tonight. In fact, I just have a premonition that you shouldn\u2019t be in Jerusalem overnight. I don\u2019t know about tomorrow, and I don\u2019t know about premonitions and all that, but the feeling is so strong \u2026\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is why I\u2019d have written that Buck was staying at the American Colony. Making a plot point out of a\u00a0warning phone call about staying in the King David Hotel<\/a>\u00a0seems a bit insensitive.<\/p>\n

Buck didn\u2019t know what he thought about this new level of what Bruce had referred to as \u201cwalking in the spirit.\u201d \u2026 How had they known he had to talk to Chloe first? He had been around the two witnesses enough to know that they were never too far from the miraculous. He just wished they didn\u2019t have to be so cryptic.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That seems like a valid complaint. At the end of the last chapter, Buck had a dream in which he was Joseph having a dream (Mary\u2019s husband, not the Joseph from Genesis, although both of them were far better at interpreting dreams than Buck is). That was cryptic warning No. 1 that Buck should flee his hotel. Cryptic warning No. 2 was \u201cthe strong urge\u201d that Buck himself felt, and heeded, to get out of his hotel. And now the Two Witnesses, who speak directly for God, refuse to speak directly to Buck until after he checks in with Chloe for the now-redundant cryptic warning No. 3.<\/p>\n

Chloe\u2019s premonition urging Buck not to go back to his hotel is presented here as a message from God. You\u2019d think that God ought to know that Buck already left the hotel and isn\u2019t going back.<\/p>\n

Why does all of this \u201chave to be so cryptic\u201d? Instead of saying, \u201cHe who has ears to hear, reply hazy try again,\u201d why couldn\u2019t Eli have just given Buck a straightforward message? \u201cTsion is in Galilee. Michael will take you to him. Don\u2019t go back to your hotel.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yet instead of that we get a dream, two \u201cpremonitions,\u201d a phone call, and a dozen pages of winking eisegesis. The only direct message in this whole business is when Moishe tells Buck to answer his phone, but that\u2019s just so that Buck can hear a second-hand account of the third iteration of an indirect message. Again, two of the characters in this scene are Moses and Elijah<\/em> \u2014 two guys who shouldn\u2019t be reluctant about delivering clear direct messages from God.<\/p>\n

But this is how God communicates with Buck in this chapter because this is how the authors imagine God communicates with all Christians. This is what they imagine it means to \u201cwalk in the spirit.\u201d It requires us to break the code and to solve the puzzle based on nothing more than strong feelings and random snippets of Bible verses that can be taken to have applications they never had in context.<\/p>\n

This idea of \u201cwalking in the spirit\u201d is, I think, the consequence of imagining that God has an intensely specific plan for every detail of your life, your vocation, your marriage, your daily schedule. The Bible doesn\u2019t address such specifics. If one is asking, \u201cWhat does the Lord require of you?\u201d then the Bible provides an answer: \u201cTo do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.\u201d But if one is asking, \u201cWhat should I major in?\u201d or \u201cShould I date this person?\u201d then it\u2019s not going to offer anything as concrete and specific as Micah 6:8, and one is left with nothing to go on but gut-feelings and the creative interpretation of dubiously selected passages.<\/p>\n

This idea of God\u2019s intensely specific individual plan for every detail of your life is a feature of American evangelical piety that we\u2019d be better off without. It\u2019s almost always a source of misery and almost never any help. It burdens Christians with anxiety over decisions that don\u2019t need to be so fraught with moral implication. Choosing a major is hard enough without adding the notion that choosing \u201cwrong\u201d is tantamount to disobeying God.<\/p>\n

Obsessing over God\u2019s ISIPFEDOYL also tends to function as a way of distracting ourselves from \u201cthe weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith.\u201d If you\u2019re worried about following God\u2019s will, remember that it boils down to this: Love God and love your neighbor. That\u2019s \u201cGod\u2019s will for your life.\u201d Take care of that and don\u2019t worry about God\u2019s ISIPFEDOYL.<\/p>\n

Back in our story, poor Buck still hasn\u2019t gotten a straight answer about where he can find Tsion Ben-Judah. He tries again with the Two Witnesses and this time:<\/p>\n

Eli and Moishe traded off quoting verses Buck recognized from Acts and Bruce\u2019s teaching.<\/p>\n

They shouted: \u201cAnd it shall come to pass in the last days, says God, that I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your young men shall see visions, your old men shall dream dreams.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

They go on like this for another page, quoting the rest of the passage from Joel 2<\/a> that Peter recited at Pentecost in the book of Acts. Good stuff, Joel, but not terribly pertinent to Buck\u2019s actual finding-Tsion problem.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy couldn\u2019t the witnesses just tell him?\u201d Buck wonders yet again, and by this point every reader is surely nodding in agreement.<\/p>\n

This new burst of preaching draws a crowd, so Buck tiptoes closer to the Two Witnesses and whispers his question again:<\/p>\n

\u201cBy \u2018Galilee\u2019 I can only assume you mean Lake Tiberius,\u201d he said. How was one supposed to tell people who seemed to have come back from Bible times that their geography was out of date?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The lake is called Tiberia<\/em>s, actually, after the city on its shores which was, in turn, named after the Roman Emperor Tiberiu<\/em>s. But the Witnesses\u2019 geography isn\u2019t really out of date. It\u2019s the same lake, it just picked up a new name during Roman rule. And even though both Moses and Elijah lived and died a long time before anyone ever heard of Rome, we know they\u2019re already up-to-date on who the Romans were because they keep quoting from the New Testament, in English. They seem to have been imparted total knowledge of everything that happened after their original deaths.<\/p>\n

\u201cWill I find my friend in Galilee, or on the Sea of Galilee, or where?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe who has ears to hear \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Buck knew better than to interrupt and show his frustration. \u201cHow do I get there?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

Eli spoke softly. \u201cIt will go well with you if you return to the multitude,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Return to the multitude? Buck thought. He backed up and rejoined the crowd.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cReturn to the multitude\u201d isn\u2019t a Bible verse either, even though \u201cmultitude\u201d sounds kind of Bible-y. More to the point, though, it also isn\u2019t an answer to Buck\u2019s question.<\/p>\n

The Two Witnesses go back to their recitation of the concordance entry for \u201cGalilee,\u201d this time repeating the story of the calling of Peter and Andrew.<\/p>\n

Buck wasn\u2019t sure what to make of all that, but he sensed he had gotten all he was going to get from the witnesses that night. Though they continued to preach, and more people gathered seemingly from nowhere to listen, Buck drifted away. He lugged his bag to a short taxi line and climbed into the back of a small cab.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And that\u2019s it. Twenty-five pages ago, all Buck had to go on was that Tsion was in or near \u201cGalilee.\u201d And now, after all that preaching and warning \u2014 plus two premonitions, a dream and a phone call \u2014 Buck hasn\u2019t learned any more than that.<\/p>\n

If only \u201cthat great cell phone\u201d he\u2019s carrying had GPS.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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A former managing editor of Prism magazine, Fred worked in the parachurch nonprofit world for a decade and then for a decade in the newspaper biz. He began blogging in 2002. In 2003 he began writing a review of the best-selling Left Behind series. Eight years later he still hasn\u2019t finished reviewing the second book of that series and the experience has left him a broken shell of a man. Fred knows the difference between the possessive \u201cits\u201d and the contraction \u201cit\u2019s,\u201d and he is acutely bothered when others mistakenly confuse the two, yet he himself just kind of instinctively types the apostrophe whether or not it belongs there. Some feel this is his greatest hypocrisy, but those who know him better know better. He\u2019s guilty of much greater hypocrisies. Jesus loves Fred far more than Fred loves Jesus, but he at least has the decency to recognize the unfairness of that lopsided relationship and he has long wished that he were better at maybe kind of sort of doing something more to correct that some day. A Baptist, an amateur, a Gen-Xer, a Gemini and a Mets fan, Fred lives in Southeastern Pennsylvania with his wife and two teenage daughters. You can reach him via email at slacktivist at hotmail dot com.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/author\/fredclark1\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"NRA: Your young men shall receive phone calls","description":"But this is how God communicates with Buck in this chapter because this is how the authors imagine God communicates with all Christians. 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A former managing editor of Prism magazine, Fred worked in the parachurch nonprofit world for a decade and then for a decade in the newspaper biz. He began blogging in 2002. In 2003 he began writing a review of the best-selling Left Behind series. Eight years later he still hasn\u2019t finished reviewing the second book of that series and the experience has left him a broken shell of a man. Fred knows the difference between the possessive \u201cits\u201d and the contraction \u201cit\u2019s,\u201d and he is acutely bothered when others mistakenly confuse the two, yet he himself just kind of instinctively types the apostrophe whether or not it belongs there. Some feel this is his greatest hypocrisy, but those who know him better know better. He\u2019s guilty of much greater hypocrisies. Jesus loves Fred far more than Fred loves Jesus, but he at least has the decency to recognize the unfairness of that lopsided relationship and he has long wished that he were better at maybe kind of sort of doing something more to correct that some day. A Baptist, an amateur, a Gen-Xer, a Gemini and a Mets fan, Fred lives in Southeastern Pennsylvania with his wife and two teenage daughters. You can reach him via email at slacktivist at hotmail dot com.","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/author\/fredclark1\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17613","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/141"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17613"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17613\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17613"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17613"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/slacktivist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17613"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}