![\"rose-bloom-384068_640\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/664\/2016\/05\/rose-bloom-384068_640-300x225.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
So, it\u2019s mothers\u2019 day again this weekend.<\/p>\n
Great.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve already shared with you folks about my motherhood, and how painful a subject it is<\/a>. I\u2019ve suffered more than some mothers, and far less than many others. My daughterhood is a thorny subject as well. My mother stopped being able to accept me when I was in the first grade. I won\u2019t go into the details here; I respect her privacy, and I recognize that a person\u2019s mental health is not entirely their own fault. Suffice it to say that she truly believes that I\u2019m a monster. I don\u2019t think there\u2019ll be reconciliation on this side of the Jordan. Miracles do happen, but I don\u2019t know that either of us even wishes for that miracle anymore.<\/p>\n When I finally left home I was in my twenties. I had never been allowed to choose my own haircut or wardrobe without a fight. I\u2019d never had my own phone. I couldn\u2019t drive. I was on four different medications for a mental disorder I did not actually have. My gut was torn to shreds from food sensitivities my mother said I was faking for attention. I was already beginning to come down with the chronic fatigue syndrome that I\u2019ve suffered from ever since.\u00a0I was afraid of the Virgin Mary, because my own mother loved the Rosary so much, but I felt I needed a mother. I knelt before a tacky statue in the dorm chapel and begged Mary to be my mother, and I know she answered me. For a time, I prayed the Rosary every day whether it scared me or not. I prayed the Louis De Montfort consecration. I got a static cling stained glass sticker of Our Lady of Guadalupe, to put in my room. I brought Mary roses at the outdoor grotto on campus. I called her \u201cmom.\u201d I got through Mother\u2019s Day by thinking of it as a Marian feast.<\/p>\n And then, of course, I ran into the difficulty that any abuse survivor can tell you all about: people who grew up in abusive homes don\u2019t know how to act in normal situations, and they don\u2019t know what normal people are like. They don\u2019t know how to respond to normal people. They don\u2019t know how to do normal things. They take people at their word when they shouldn\u2019t, and they don\u2019t know how to take hints. They gravitate toward abusers, because to them, abuse is normal. They get abandoned by fair-weather friends who don\u2019t understand. They end up going to priests like the odious Father Reginald<\/a> for help, with disastrous results. And, in my case, most of my new abusers were devoted to the Virgin Mary, said the Louis De Montfort Consecration and prayed the Rosary. After one too many disasters, I stopped thinking of Mary as my mother. For awhile, I was downright terrified of her.<\/p>\n I love Mother Mary again now; I trust her, and I do call her Mom. But it took a couple years to warm up to her after all that. I still have my moments. I know I\u2019ve got friends and readers from all different backgrounds, from cradle Catholics who love Mary to nonreligious people who don\u2019t know what I\u2019m talking about half the time to folks who just found this post by trying to google Steel Magnolias, and I love and respect all of you very much. But right now I just want to address any of my readers who are struggling with mother\u2019s day because of abuse. If you can think of her this way, let Mary be your mom and make the day about her. If, like me, you feel you can\u2019t because the abusers used her as their mascot, but you\u2019re still struggling to keep faith and want to be devoted to her, here are some tips I discovered along the way. Obviously, everyone is different, so if they don\u2019t work for you, just leave them alone and try something else. And, if anybody has other advice, please do offer it in the comments.<\/p>\n First of all, remember that she understands. This woman had to flee across a foreign border to save her newborn from genocide; she lost her husband; she watched her son gruesomely tortured to death in a public spectacle. She knows about trauma and abuse. In all eternity, there\u2019s only Christ who understands better. She gets it. It is totally safe to be honest with her. If all you can say is \u201cI\u2019m scared\u201d or \u201cI resent you,\u201d just say it\u2013 quietly, so any judgmental church ladies standing nearby won\u2019t give you the stink eye. Just say it.<\/p>\n Or, if you\u2019re just too traumatized to be able to talk to her, talk to somebody else. Talk to Jesus. Imagine Him after the scourging when He would have cringed in pain from anybody\u2019s touch, and tell him how you\u2019re cringing now. Let Him suffer with you and just be present to each other. Talk to another female saint and tell her what you wish you could tell Mary. Or, if you\u2019re too scared to talk to any women, find a male saint buddy. Obviously, Saint Joseph is great. And he also had to flee the country to save his foster-son\u2019s life, so he understands trauma too. Talk to Saint Dismas. No matter how ashamed you are, you can\u2019t have done a worse job than him. Talk to the archangels. They don\u2019t have bodies; they\u2019re neither male nor female, neither mothers nor fathers, just persons, and they can empathize very well. So even if you can\u2019t get a word out, just sit with them. Let them love Mary for you and rest for awhile. It will help.<\/p>\n Remember that being devoted to Mary is not the same thing as feeling devoted. You can feel like you absolutely can\u2019t stand her, but if you will to be devoted, you are. It\u2019s the act of will that matters, and feelings are not your fault. If you couldn\u2019t feel your legs because somebody broke your back, it wouldn\u2019t be your fault, and not feeling love because of trauma is exactly the same.<\/p>\n Find someone here on earth to talk to if you can. Shop around for a good therapist, if you can get one. If you\u2019re afraid a Catholic therapist will be cruel to you for being scared of Mary, get a secular one. Or, if your secular therapist is making matters worse, get someone who shares your faith. You don\u2019t have to choose the one people are pressuring you to choose; you need to choose one who helps you. Be cautious about approaching a priest, for fear of running into a Father Reginald like I did, but there are<\/i> great priests out there who understand abuse and can help. Test the waters carefully. And remember that you don\u2019t have to take anybody\u2019s advice. Abuse victims often feel like they have to obey an authority figure. It\u2019s actually a very bad sign if an authority figure doesn\u2019t expect you to think for yourself at all.<\/p>\n Just leave certain prayers completely alone if they trigger you. Don\u2019t bother with the Rosary right now if the Rosary is painful. Pray the Chotki or one of the Byzantine akathists<\/a>. Sing the Ave Maris Stella or listen to it.<\/a><\/p>\n Practice what I call \u201cthe if-you-who-are-evil rule.\u201d If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more your Heavenly father? And if the Father chose Mary to bear the Son, then Mary must be an awful lot like the Father, right? So, run every frightened thought through that litmus test. If you had a child and that child was badly hurt, covered in burns, would you hurt them for cringing from you or would you get them some help? How much more would Mother Mary? If your child screamed \u201cI hate you\u201d when the pain was the worst, would you abandon her or work harder to help? How much more would she? If it\u2019s prideful, pathological or cruel it can\u2019t be of God, so it can\u2019t be of Mary. Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs. God is love. Someone filled with the grace of God would act that way. Test every spirit by \u201cthe if-you-who-are-evil rule.\u201d<\/p>\n Be kind to yourself. We will get through this weekend. Thank God it\u2019s only once a year. Finally, here\u2019s a little \u201cspiritual\u201d I sing when I feel too triggered to sing a Catholic hymn. It\u2019s not really about Mother Mary, but it helps me to pray to her when I\u2019m too afraid to say normal prayers. I hope it helps you. I promise, she won\u2019t mind.<\/p>\n