{"id":22280,"date":"2024-03-16T02:45:37","date_gmt":"2024-03-16T06:45:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/?p=22280"},"modified":"2024-03-16T02:45:37","modified_gmt":"2024-03-16T06:45:37","slug":"no-word-but-conversion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/no-word-but-conversion\/","title":{"rendered":"No Word but Conversion"},"content":{"rendered":"<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC \"-\/\/W3C\/\/DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional\/\/EN\" \"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/TR\/REC-html40\/loose.dtd\">\n<html><head><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><\/head><body><p><figure id=\"attachment_14269\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-14269\" style=\"width: 300px\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-14269 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/664\/2021\/02\/san-damiano-cropped-2-300x214.jpg\" alt=\"a close-up of the San Damiano crucifix\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\"><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-14269\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">image via Pixabay<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><h3>It\u2019s so hard to find any words just now.<\/h3>\n<p>After I\u2019ve been sick, the last thing to come back online is my writing brain.<\/p>\n<p>I was <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/when-i-wasnt-here\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">sick for a week<\/a>, and then I had a bout of terrible insomnia that made it impossible to function normally. That\u2019s how my chronically ill body often responds to being sick. After that I sleep too much for a few days, and then I <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/i-saw-the-water-flowing\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">go on a hike<\/a>, and eventually the words come back.<\/p>\n<p>I am having a terrible time trying to find words for anything, just now.<\/p>\n<p>I am picking away at my <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/01\/introducing-the-31-categories-of-catholic-saint\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">Lives of the Saints project<\/a> and it\u2019s nearly done. Those words are relatively easy.\u00a0 \u201cA Jesuit priest and theologian.\u201d \u201cAfter she was widowed, she became a nun.\u201d \u201cmartyred by beheading after bears refused to eat him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I pick at the project, I pray. Quick little injunctions. \u201cPray for me.\u201d \u201cHelp me.\u201d \u201cYou sound awful.\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t think we\u2019re going to get along at all.\u201d \u201cPlease can you help me?\u201d Those words come out as well.<\/p>\n<p>I wake up in the morning and feel terrified for the first twenty minutes or so. It\u2019s that same terrible feeling that has been dogging me for the past few years, the feeling that<a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2022\/03\/vidi-aquam-i-saw-water\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"> I\u2019m going to hell<\/a>. I already understand that it\u2019s a consequence of spiritual abuse. Many people who get away from cults and cultlike religious movements end up feeling this way. It isn\u2019t from God and it\u2019s not my fault, which is a relief. But I don\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n<p>I would like to make peace with God\u2013 the real one, the one Who is love, the one Who is as sick as I am about what was done in the Charismatic Renewal. I\u2019ve explained as much to that God. I\u2019m not sure if they\u2019ve answered yet. But I am really sure that I want it. I guess that\u2019s the beginning of an answer.<\/p>\n<p>When I get the chance to get away, I go to that chapel out at the hospital. There\u2019s never anybody there. They haven\u2019t even bothered to take the Advent wreath away. It feels safe. If only the hospital weren\u2019t crawling with San Damiano crucifixes\u2013 I hate them because they remind me of Franciscan University and all the horror and madness there.<\/p>\n<h3>I haven\u2019t had any great big revelations lately. I just stare at Him in the tabernacle for a few minutes, and then I leave.<\/h3>\n<p>I keep thinking again and again that I have no idea what Catholicism is really like. I know this one single movement that claimed to be the whole of of Catholicism, the only right way to be Catholic. That certain type of piety that harkens back to the 1950s, bled together with the histrionics and abuse of the Charismatic Renewal, comingled with the mass hysteria of Apparition Culture and the simpering cruelty of Republican politics: that was fed to me as the one way to Christ. And now it\u2019s all fallen apart, for me. It\u2019s gotten quite a bit of egg on its face in the world in general, but there will always be people taken in. Franciscan University grows its student body every year, after all. There\u2019s nothing I can do about that. The movement will continue to devour people and I can\u2019t save them. But I won\u2019t go back in.<\/p>\n<p>I have no allies in my quest. Not in Steubenville. There is only me, and Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>And here I am trying to fumble for words again, when none seem quite right. I don\u2019t know what this is. \u201cDeconstruction\u201d doesn\u2019t seem to cut it.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe the word is \u201cconversion.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I want nothing to do with a god who intended for me to get trapped in Steubenville. But if Steubenville is the place I got trapped by accident, and the place where the whole cultural vortex surrounding Steubenville Catholicism was shaken off of me, leaving only Christ standing there without any idols, maybe this can be a blessed place. If this is the place where God rushed in to meet me when He realized I\u2019d been taken in by a cult that said \u201cLord, Lord,\u201d but had nothing to do with Him, I could love that God. Maybe this is my San Damiano, where Christ will speak and tell me to rebuild a crumbling church. Or maybe not.<\/p>\n<h3>I thought \u201cconversion\u201d would look so very different.<\/h3>\n<p>I wonder if it always looks this strange.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what I\u2019ve been doing when I should have been writing.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s the reason for all the radio silence.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll try to have something more for you this weekend.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<div class=\"main-post\">\n<div class=\"story-block\">\n<div id=\"main-content\" class=\"entry-content clearfix\" data-viewport=\"7OZhuUEE\" data-cmd=\"true\">\n<div class=\"main-post\">\n<div class=\"story-block\">\n<div id=\"main-content\" class=\"entry-content clearfix\" data-viewport=\"cFDndwjw,YdtBfuV5,4e4gnvyE,vAI9tk9s,TcK9sfpF,7OZhuUEE\" data-cmd=\"true\">\n<p><em>Mary Pezzulo is the author of\u00a0<a class=\"decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Meditations-Way-Cross-Mary-Pezzulo\/dp\/1949643433\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Meditations on the Way of the Cross,\u00a0<\/a><a class=\" decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Sorrows-Joys-Mary-Pezzulo\/dp\/1955821828\/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">The Sorrows an<\/a><a class=\" decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Sorrows-Joys-Mary-Pezzulo\/dp\/1955821828\/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=&amp;sr=\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">d Joys of Mary<\/a>, and\u00a0<a class=\"decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.avemariapress.com\/products\/stumbling-into-grace?gclid=CjwKCAiA6aSABhApEiwA6Cbm_64-bP59YWJmFni-iGXq4KgITq1EU8hMvt9cV0qJvskRRmsTLYavURoC4SoQAvD_BwE\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<div class=\"ad ad-container hidden-xs\">\n<div>\n<div class=\"ad ad-container hidden-xs\">\n<div class=\"main-post\">\n<div class=\"story-block\">\n<div class=\"entry-content clearfix\">\n<div>\n<p><em>Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, donate to \u201cThe Little Portion\u201d on\u00a0<a class=\" decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.paypal.com\/donate\/?hosted_button_id=9AJMKR8W7AWS2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">paypal<\/a>\u00a0or Mary Pezzulo on\u00a0<a class=\" decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link decorated-link\" href=\"https:\/\/account.venmo.com\/u\/Mary-Pezzulo-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">venmo<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"ad__align ad-slot-wrapper\" data-viewport-child=\"vAI9tk9s\">\n<div id=\"incontent4\" class=\"ad__slot\" role=\"region\" aria-label=\"Advertisement\" data-google-query-id=\"CL2-u4jN8IQDFdE8swAdlskLVg\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"post-meta\">\n<div class=\"row\">\n<div class=\"tagged-with-include-rss\">\n<div class=\"tagged-with-include-rss\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It\u2019s so hard to find any words just now. After I\u2019ve been sick, the last thing to come back online is my writing brain. I was sick for a week, and then I had a bout of terrible insomnia that made it impossible to function normally. That\u2019s how my chronically ill body often responds to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2694,"featured_media":14269,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22280","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>No Word but Conversion<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"And here I am trying to fumble for words again, when none seem quite right. I don&#039;t know what this is. &quot;Deconstruction&quot; doesn&#039;t seem to cut it.\u00a0Maybe the word is &quot;conversion.&quot;\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/no-word-but-conversion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"No Word but Conversion\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"And here I am trying to fumble for words again, when none seem quite right. I don&#039;t know what this is. &quot;Deconstruction&quot; doesn&#039;t seem to cut it.\u00a0Maybe the word is &quot;conversion.&quot;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/no-word-but-conversion\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Steel Magnificat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-03-16T06:45:37+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/664\/2021\/02\/san-damiano-cropped-2.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"477\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"341\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Mary Pezzulo\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Mary Pezzulo\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/no-word-but-conversion\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/03\/no-word-but-conversion\/\",\"name\":\"No Word but Conversion\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2024-03-16T06:45:37+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-03-16T06:45:37+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/#\/schema\/person\/eefd606fd6f98b01cd46b38fcead458b\"},\"description\":\"And here I am trying to fumble for words again, when none seem quite right. 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She came to Steubenville to earn a Master's degree in philosophy and Catholic bioethics from Franciscan University and had finished most of her course work before she suffered a chronic illness that derailed her university career. Since then, she's been learning from the school of hard knocks. Her essays on politics, faith, religious trauma, and life in Northern Appalachia, have been published in the Catholic Herald, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Convivium Journal, and the Feinschwarz theology blog. She has delivered lectures on the Uncanny in the field of aesthetics at the Power of Beauty Conference at Franciscan University, and the Terra Incognita Literary Gathering. Mary is the author of Stumbling into Grace: How We meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy, published by Ave Maria Press, which was awarded second place in Catholic Social Teaching from the Catholic Media Awards. 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She came to Steubenville to earn a Master's degree in philosophy and Catholic bioethics from Franciscan University and had finished most of her course work before she suffered a chronic illness that derailed her university career. Since then, she's been learning from the school of hard knocks. Her essays on politics, faith, religious trauma, and life in Northern Appalachia, have been published in the Catholic Herald, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Convivium Journal, and the Feinschwarz theology blog. She has delivered lectures on the Uncanny in the field of aesthetics at the Power of Beauty Conference at Franciscan University, and the Terra Incognita Literary Gathering. Mary is the author of Stumbling into Grace: How We meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy, published by Ave Maria Press, which was awarded second place in Catholic Social Teaching from the Catholic Media Awards. 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