{"id":26494,"date":"2026-03-30T01:17:51","date_gmt":"2026-03-30T05:17:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/?p=26494"},"modified":"2026-03-31T07:59:16","modified_gmt":"2026-03-31T11:59:16","slug":"whom-do-you-seek-whom-do-you-seek","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2026\/03\/whom-do-you-seek-whom-do-you-seek\/","title":{"rendered":"Whom Do You Seek? A Holy Week Meditation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"palm
Lent has been neither good nor bad this year. It\u2019s just been Lent. | image via Pixabay.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

I went into Holy Week, a little sad and apprehensive, not knowing what to say.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I suppose I would have much more success in life, if I could ever wear a face that wasn\u2019t my own. But I\u2019ve tried, and I can\u2019t. All I have is myself. I can only tell you about myself. I can never say what people want me to say, except by coincidence. I can only tell you how I really feel. But I\u2019m afraid the way I really feel isn\u2019t right.<\/p>\n

For awhile I loved Lent. It was my favorite season in the Church calendar. I loved singing Tenebrae with my church choir back in Columbus. I wrote a whole book on the Way of the Cross.<\/a> I loved the Holy Thursday Mass and the haunting Good Friday liturgy. I always felt lost at Easter, when all that solemn sorrow was over and we had to be happy again. Sometimes hearing the \u201cAlleluias\u201d at Easter made me cry because I didn\u2019t want Lent to be over. Then, of course, I came to Steubenville and ruined my life at Franciscan University. All the sickness and trauma and poverty followed. And then came the revelations about the cult activity and horrific abuse there, and the realization that I\u2019d been in a personality cult, was groomed and kissed by its leader, and confessed my sins to at least two horrific sex abusers. The post-traumatic stress became so severe that I couldn\u2019t bear to receive the sacraments at all. I couldn\u2019t go to Mass except to stand on the church porch or watch from the parking lot.<\/a> And I hated Lent, and felt disgusted with every minute of it.<\/p>\n

This year, I have recovered a bit.<\/h3>\n

I am sorry if I haven\u2019t recovered in the way you want me to. I am very, very touched and thankful for the people who have invited me to worship with them, or to not worship at all. I have readers and dear friends who are Pagan, mainline Protestant, Old Catholic or Independent Catholic, and nonreligious, and you\u2019ve all expressed your concern for me and sometimes invited me to live like you do. I have immense respect for all of you. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m better than you are. I believe the Holy Spirit speaks to you. It\u2019s just that I am a Catholic. Even when I don\u2019t want to be, this is the place where I find myself working out my salvation. I was more or less a lapsed Catholic in 2022 and some of 2023, because of the trauma. Now I am a broken, traumatized, cynical and anxious, practicing Catholic. I go to Mass and sit in the congregation almost every Sunday, cringing whenever I see one of the Franciscan sisters at my parish. I was able to go to confession several weeks ago, but it was not a pleasant experience, and I don\u2019t know exactly when I\u2019ll go back. I still have an aversion to a lot of Catholic devotions. I\u2019d rather rip my skin off than pray the Rosary again. But I am a Catholic.<\/p>\n

Lent has been neither good nor bad this year. It\u2019s just been Lent. I\u2019ve tried to pray in that little chapel in the hospital<\/a> when I can. Adrienne is a much better cook than I am, and has a very good shrimp scampi recipe for Fridays, so abstinence didn\u2019t even feel like a penance.<\/p>\n

I walked into the Palm Sunday liturgy, feeling neither excited nor terrified. It just felt like a Sunday. Sundays make me feel a little sad and apprehensive.<\/h3>\n

We held up our palms to receive the blessing, and got splashed with holy water. We got through that long, long Gospel, where the congregation shouts \u201cHosannah to the Son of David\u201d and then \u201cHe deserves to die! Crucify Him!\u201d all within the space of five minutes. We knelt as He gave up the ghost.<\/p>\n

I kept thinking about that other Gospel, the one we\u2019ll read on Friday. I won\u2019t be in a church on Friday. I still can\u2019t bear the Good Friday liturgy. I will go hiking somewhere, as I usually do<\/a>. But I wanted to hear that Gospel reading: Whom do you seek? Jesus of Nazareth. I AM.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

That was the passage that kept rattling through my head during the rest of the Mass.<\/p>\n

Jesus, knowing everything that was going to happen to him,<\/em>
\nwent out and said to them, \u201cWhom are you looking for?\u201d<\/em>
\nThey answered him, \u201cJesus the Nazorean.\u201d<\/em>
\nHe said to them, \u201cI AM.\u201d<\/em>
\nJudas his betrayer was also with them.<\/em>
\nWhen he said to them, \u201cI AM, \u201c<\/em>
\nthey turned away and fell to the ground.<\/em>
\nSo he again asked them,<\/em>
\n\u201cWhom are you looking for?\u201d<\/em>
\nThey said, \u201cJesus the Nazorean.\u201d<\/em>
\nJesus answered,<\/em>
\n\u201cI told you that I AM.<\/em>
\nSo if you are looking for me, let these men go.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I said those words to myself over and over again. As I said them, the became a dialogue.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying I had some kind of \u201cword from the Lord,\u201d mind you. I\u2019m not a Charismatic anymore and I\u2019ll never be a Charismatic again. I won\u2019t be sure whether the things I imagine when I pray are really from God, until I see God face to face. Maybe the Holy Spirit was directing my prayer. Maybe it was just me, meditating and talking to myself at Mass. But these are the things that went through my mind.<\/p>\n

Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/h3>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/h3>\n

I AM. Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/h3>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

I told you that I AM. So if you are looking for me, let these men go.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

I AM. Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

Are you sure? Many, many people claim they are seeking Jesus of Nazareth. They profess my name to the four corners of the Earth, but they have never known Me. Whom do you seek?<\/em><\/p>\n

I am sure that I seek Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

I told you that I AM. So if you are looking for me, let these men go.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

Are you certain? Many who claim they seek Me are looking for something else. They want earthly power or for others to admire them. They want to look outwardly like a perfect Catholic family, or a Catholic institution, or a Catholic parish. They want to have an apostolate or a ministry or a successful book deal or a career as a politician and do it in My name, but they don\u2019t know Me. Whom do you seek?<\/em><\/p>\n

I am certain that I seek Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

I told you that I AM. So if you are looking for me, let these men go.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

Are you absolutely sure? Because I am not where you thought I was. I am not in the people who look the right way. I am not in the churches that shout my name the loudest. I am not with the rich, the powerful or the important. I am with the poor and the outcasts, the wounded and the traumatized. I dwell in the neighborhoods you were taught to avoid and the people you were taught to shun. When the people you were taught to admire abuse the helpless, I suffer with their victims. When those abused and tortured people cry out \u201cMy God, why have You abandoned Me,\u201d I cry out with them.\u00a0 My spirit plays over the waters of chaos. The light shines forth, not in light but in darkness. The stone the builders reject becomes the cornerstone. Many who are last shall be first. In the places where you least expect me, I AM. That is the mystery of Christianity.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Whom do you seek?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I am absolutely sure that I seek Jesus of Nazareth. Not to go to the places where I thought I was supposed to go. Not to try and look the right way. Not to be the one to shout Your name the loudest. Not riches, power or importance. I seek Jesus of Nazareth. I have learned to seek Him in the places I was taught not to go and in the people I was taught to shun. I have learned to seek Him in chaos and darkness, and in the stones the builders rejected. I believe. Help my unbelief. I seek Jesus of Nazareth.<\/p>\n

I told you that I AM. So if you are looking for me, let these men go. Let it all go. Let the fear that you\u2019re doing it wrong go. Let the humiliation that you never fit in to a Catholic clique go. Let the shame that your life doesn\u2019t look the way it was supposed to go. Let your grief and exhaustion and trauma go, and I will suffer them with you until they heal.\u00a0 Let it all go, and follow Me.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

And then the Mass ended, and Adrienne and I went out into the brilliance of a Northern Appalachian spring, with the bright sun overhead and the whole world returned to life.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure I will be sad again soon.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure that the next time I walk into a church, I will be as apprehensive as ever.<\/p>\n

Just then, though, all I felt was grace.<\/p>\n

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Mary Pezzulo is the author of\u00a0Meditations on the Way of the Cross,\u00a0<\/a>The Sorrows an<\/a>d Joys of Mary<\/a>, and\u00a0Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

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Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, donate to \u201cThe Little Portion\u201d on\u00a0paypal<\/a>\u00a0or Mary Pezzulo on\u00a0venmo<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I went into Holy Week, a little sad and apprehensive, not knowing what to say. I suppose I would have much more success in life, if I could ever wear a face that wasn\u2019t my own. But I\u2019ve tried, and I can\u2019t. All I have is myself. I can only tell you about myself. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2694,"featured_media":26497,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[477,19,9],"class_list":["post-26494","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-church","tag-easter","tag-holy-week"],"yoast_head":"\nWhom Do You Seek? A Holy Week Meditation<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I am a broken, traumatized, cynical and anxious, practicing Catholic." 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