{"id":5798,"date":"2024-03-17T17:15:42","date_gmt":"2024-03-17T21:15:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=5798"},"modified":"2024-03-17T17:15:42","modified_gmt":"2024-03-17T21:15:42","slug":"how-dealing-with-conflict-can-help-couples-thrive-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/03\/how-dealing-with-conflict-can-help-couples-thrive-2\/","title":{"rendered":"How Dealing with Conflict Can Help Couples Thrive"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Dear Terry,<\/p>\n

After fourteen-year of marriage, I\u2019m at the end of my rope. My husband, Ryan is gone a lot and even when he\u2019s home, he\u2019s watching sports. It seems like we have the same arguments over and over again. There\u2019s not much joy or love left in our marriage.<\/p>\n

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Shutterstock.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Mostly, we argue about our kids, Tyler, 6, and Jessica, age 3. Since Ryan gets home late from his job as a store manager, he mostly wants to play with them and doesn\u2019t help me settle them down. He disrupts their routine for getting ready for bed.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried to explain to Ryan that I need his support so I can get ready for the next day. You see, I\u2019m a sixth-grade teacher and my stress level is high. Often our kids are up to 9pm and I don\u2019t get to sleep until midnight. This leaves me sleep deprived when I have to get up at 6am to make lunches, get the kids ready, and be at school at 8am.<\/p>\n

What do you suggest as ways to reduce our arguments and communicate better? I love Ryan and want to save our marriage but I\u2019m completely stuck on what to do next since Ryan doesn\u2019t believe in marriage counseling. I feel like I\u2019m walking on eggshells because whenever I approach Ryan about my unhappiness, we argue.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,\u00a0 Becca<\/p>\n

Dear Becca,<\/p>\n

It may sound unusual, but approaching conflict with a problem-solving approach and seeing it as a normal aspect of a healthy marriage, can help you succeed as a couple. However, one key ingredient of learning to manage conflict is trying a more positive way of have conversations to avoid a negative pattern of relating that is characterized by criticism and defensiveness.<\/p>\n

According to relationship expert, Kyle Benson, our traditional thinking about conflict in a relationship needs to be revised. In \u201cTransforming Criticism Into Wishes: A Recipe for Successful Conflict<\/a>,\u201d Benson proposes that \u201cin the heat of an argument, it\u2019s far easier to say what we don\u2019t want than what we do.\u201d Indeed, this is a relatable and often inescapable dynamic between couples.<\/p>\n

That said, the bottom line is that couples who thrive attain empathetic communication. To a great extent, where we start dictates where we end up in terms of conflict resolution. Benson points it out precisely, writing that \u201cit doesn\u2019t matter how much trust and intimacy there is in a relationship, it\u2019s nearly impossible for someone to listen to a personal attack without becoming defensive.\u201d<\/p>\n

Benson writes that \u201cfor conflict conversations to succeed, you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and transform any complaint about your partner into a positive need. Negative emotions that lead us to blame or criticize are often signposts of what we value most.\u201d<\/p>\n

In this way, Benson believes that the way our negative emotions surface during a fight are \u201ca clue to [our] hidden wish. Hidden underneath anger may be feelings of loneliness. When you become aware of that loneliness, you can ask your partner for the things you need to feel more connected.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, self-awareness and clear communication are central to the \u201ccourageous\u201d strategies discussed in this blog. I also firmly believe that having a soft start up when you want to start a conversation to discuss a possible conflictual topic is a great idea.<\/p>\n

For instance, if you want to enlist Ryan\u2019s support in the bedtime routine for you kids, saying \u201cDo you have a few minutes to discuss some ways we can have a smoother and earlier bedtime routine for the Kids? I\u2019d appreciate your feedback and want to hear your ideas.\u201d This approach will work much better than saying something like \u201cYou get our kids keyed up and don\u2019t help me enough at night, you\u2019re the reason I\u2019m sleep deprived.\u201d<\/p>\n

In fact, it\u2019s a great idea to remind yourself of your partner\u2019s positive qualities and express your positive feelings out loud, it can enhance positive, empathetic communication. In The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/a>, Dr. Gottman suggests increasing the number of positive comments you make to your partner. Listen to their point of view and adopt his rule of five-to-one ratio of interactions \u2013 meaning for every negative interaction, have five positive ones during conflict.<\/p>\n

Best Regards, Terry<\/p>\n

Find Terry on Twitter<\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong>Facebook<\/a>, <\/strong>and, movingpastdivorce.com<\/a>. Terry\u2019s award-winning book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/a>: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents\u2019 Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual<\/em><\/a>: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question\u00a0<\/strong>here<\/strong><\/a>. Thanks! Terry\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Terry, After fourteen-year of marriage, I\u2019m at the end of my rope. My husband, Ryan is gone a lot and even when he\u2019s home, he\u2019s watching sports. It seems like we have the same arguments over and over again. There\u2019s not much joy or love left in our marriage. Mostly, we argue about our […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3446,"featured_media":4927,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[45,17],"class_list":["post-5798","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-conflict","tag-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\nHow Dealing with Conflict Can Help Couples Thrive<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dear Terry, After fourteen-year of marriage, I\u2019m at the end of my rope. My husband, Ryan is gone a lot and even when he\u2019s home, he\u2019s watching sports. 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