{"id":6145,"date":"2024-11-24T20:54:40","date_gmt":"2024-11-25T01:54:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=6145"},"modified":"2024-12-08T21:56:18","modified_gmt":"2024-12-09T02:56:18","slug":"how-do-i-manage-ongoing-arguments-with-my-spouse-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/11\/how-do-i-manage-ongoing-arguments-with-my-spouse-2\/","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Manage Ongoing Arguments with My Spouse?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Jenny, 42, and Sam, 43, sit on the couch in my office and discuss their disputes about their two young children, chores, and finances.<\/p>\n

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Shutterstock.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Sam says, \u201cIt seems like I can never do enough to please Jenny. She wants me to do more chores, make more money, and buy her a bigger house. Meanwhile, she took five years off from teaching to have our kids and our income was cut in half. I am glad she\u2019s been able to raise Henry and Katie, but I simply can\u2019t meet all of her demands.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jenny responds, \u201cSam is a good dad but we argue about chores because he seems to think that since I\u2019m home, it\u2019s my job to do all of the housework. It would mean a lot to me if he cleaned up the dinner dishes or vacuumed once a week.\u201d<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in our lives feels fraught and a fight looms around every corner, our emotional health and our other, non-romantic relationships suffer.<\/p>\n

In a recent article for his website, Kyle Benson draws on relationship experts and authors like Dr. John Gottman and Dan Wile, formulating a sensible approach to conflict resolution that\u2019s both pragmatic and possible<\/em>. Indeed, one of the most challenging aspects of the dynamic that exists between partners is the negative, cyclical patterns that reenforce themselves, creating a feeling that avoiding a fight is impossible.<\/p>\n

Benson writes about Dr. Gottman\u2019s observation that \u201cnearly 1\/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach,\u201d unpacking the realities that many couples face in the process of improving their communication skills in the hopes of diffusing conflict. While many marriage therapists recommend that you \u201cput yourself in your partner\u2019s shoes,\u201d Dr. Gottman has learned that it\u2019s often difficult to tap into empathy during the escalation of a fight.<\/p>\n

For instance, Sam might try to imagine how long Jenny\u2019s day is being home with two young children and Jenny could try to empathize with Sam\u2019s financial pressure.<\/p>\n

Dr. Gottman counsels couples<\/a> to \u201csoften their start-up.\u201d Or as Benson puts it, \u201chow a conversation starts influences how it will end.\u201d When Jenny asks Sam to do dishes, she might say, \u201cI makes me feel frustrated when I cook and do dishes, I did tried by 7pm and it would make a world of difference to me if you could either cook or do dishes.\u201d This approach will be more effective than saying something like, \u201cYou never help out around the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

The takeaway here is that your approach to conflict at the outset can limit the magnitude of a fight and minimize its impact. Being aware of your feelings and how anger or frustration is manifested in your word and tone of voice is crucial to nipping a big fight in the bud.<\/p>\n

Dr. Gottman\u2019s book The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work<\/em> serves as a guide for Benson\u2019s own advice, and he adds to helpful insight that Dr. Gottman\u2019s strategies \u201cmay feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, the goal is a healthy and harmonious relationship in which we can communication with openness and honesty. In the process, we can overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of conflict feeling inevitable, fostering compassion with a conscious approach to conflicts as they develop.<\/p>\n

Follow Terry Gaspard on\u00a0Twitter,<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Facebook<\/strong><\/a>, and\u00a0movingpastdivorce.com<\/strong><\/a>.\u00a0Her book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/strong><\/a>: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents\u2019 Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Terry\u2019s book, The Remarriage Manual:<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u00a0How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around,<\/em> was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jenny, 42, and Sam, 43, sit on the couch in my office and discuss their disputes about their two young children, chores, and finances. Sam says, \u201cIt seems like I can never do enough to please Jenny. She wants me to do more chores, make more money, and buy her a bigger house. Meanwhile, she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3446,"featured_media":4927,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[177,45,17],"class_list":["post-6145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-arguments","tag-conflict","tag-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\nHow Do I Manage Ongoing Arguments with My Spouse?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Jenny, 42, and Sam, 43, sit on the couch in my office and discuss their disputes about their two young children, chores, and finances. 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