{"id":6245,"date":"2025-02-02T18:24:27","date_gmt":"2025-02-02T23:24:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=6245"},"modified":"2025-02-02T18:54:05","modified_gmt":"2025-02-02T23:54:05","slug":"6-ways-to-stop-being-defensive-with-your-partner-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2025\/02\/6-ways-to-stop-being-defensive-with-your-partner-2\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Ways to Curb Defensiveness with Your Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

During tough conversations, it\u2019s helpful to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones. Many experts<\/a> agree that bickering can lead to the demise of a relationship. It\u2019s like chronic warfare that erodes the quality of a relationship and makes it tough to discuss difficult topics. When dealing with differences with your partner, the key is to listen attentively, understand each other\u2019s perspective, reign in defensiveness, and stop criticizing and blaming each other.<\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/p>\n

For instance, Jackson has become resentful of Becca over the last few years because she spends money without informing him. From his perspective, Becca has been increasingly detached and secretive about her spending habits. During our session, they had an argument that left them both feeling defeated and bitter. I encouraged them to listen to each other and not focus on who was to blame for their problem.<\/p>\n

Jackson glanced at Becca and put it like this: \u201cMy anger and resentment started to mount when you told me two months after you put a trip with your girlfriend on a credit card without telling me. You were literally charging large amounts for clothes and air fare without telling me \u2013 even when I asked you why our balances were going up. I can\u2019t trust you anymore since you kept this secret. If you hadn\u2019t lied to me, I might feel differently.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Becca explains, \u201cI understand how bad this sounds but I needed to get some new clothes to go on a trip with Caitlyn which we planned a year ago. I didn\u2019t tell you because I knew you\u2019d object and we\u2019d argue. You often criticize me because I don\u2019t earn enough money. I\u2019m starting my own business and it will take time.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Jackson and Becca need a way to stop blaming each other and to stop their pattern of trying to prove a point. The first step toward changing this negative pattern of relating is awareness. They can benefit from embracing the mindset that working together is more important than being right.<\/p>\n

While it\u2019s tempting to launch into expressing anger and to get into the attack mode when you feel hurt or frustrated, it can alienate your partner and drive a wedge between you. That said, you\u2019ll accomplish more and improve your communication if you tell your partner what you need in a positive way.<\/p>\n

For instance, if Jackson says to Becca \u201cI would appreciate it if you\u2019d do a budget for your trip with me,\u201d this \u201cI\u201d statement would be more effective than saying, \u201cYou never worry about money,\u201d a \u201cYou\u201d statement that sparks her defensiveness.<\/p>\n

In marriage, one of the biggest hurdles couples face is how to approach difficult conversations without getting defensive. This leads to an unfortunate pattern of attack and defensiveness where both partners believe they must prove they\u2019re right and must defend their positions.<\/p>\n

In After the Fight<\/em><\/a>, psychologist Dr. Daniel B. Wile, explains that if this defensive pattern continues over time, it can diminish love and respect between you and your partner The following are ways to stop being defensive with your partner before it becomes a bigger issue.<\/p>\n

6 Ways to Stop Being Defensive:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Keep a calm composure and state needs clearly: <\/strong>While it is natural to raise your voice and get agitated when you feel attacked, lower your voice and adopt a friendlier tone. If you feel yourself taking things personally, press the pause button and suggest a 10 to 15-minute break to your partner before continuing a conflictual conversation. You might say \u201cI\u2019m trying to listen but I can feel myself getting defensive. Can we start this conversation again in 15 minutes?<\/li>\n
  2. Listen to your partner\u2019s side of the story and validate him or her.<\/strong> Instead of focusing on your own agenda and the points you want to get across, ask your partner what is bothering them and really listen before responding. When you respond, validate their perspective and use a soft start-up such as \u201cI value your input and I\u2019d love to hear more from you.\u201d Be sure to use good eye contact and reassuring touch to comfort your mate such as holding their hand.<\/li>\n
  3. Focus on the issues at hand. <\/strong>When you focus on the past, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. You are no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the issues at hand or in the present to meet both of your needs. Resist the urge to bring up baggage or touch on your partner\u2019s raw spots or issues you know might trigger his or her defensiveness.<\/li>\n
  4. Use \u201cI statements\u201d to express yourself in a positive way<\/strong>. State what you want such as \u201cI would like you to share more information about your spending with me. Avoid using \u201cYou statements\u201d such as \u201cYou never talk to me about money.\u201d Remember to focus on expressing your feelings in a way that invites your partner to communicate, rather than pushing them away.<\/li>\n
  5. Take responsibility. <\/strong>If you focus more on your part of the problem, you will be less likely to point your finger at your partner or take things personally. Reflect on how your words and actions might make your partner feel and let him or her know that you own your part in a disagreement. Try to focus on changing your approach to communication, rather than trying to change your partner\u2019s perspective or personality.<\/li>\n
  6. Apologize if you have done something to hurt your mate<\/strong> \u2013 even if it was not intentional \u2013 after they\u2019ve had a chance to describe how you hurt them. This will ensure it\u2019s a sincere apology. Be brief and to the point without making excuses. For instance, Becca might simply say, \u201cI am sorry for keeping a secret from you. I love you and won\u2019t do it again.\u201d By taking responsibility for her part in the dispute, even just a small piece, this will validate Jackon\u2019s feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow them both to move on.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u00a0<\/em>Becca put it like this: \u201cWhen we disagree, I try to apologize to Jackson when I overreact to something he says and not take it so personally. I know that when I blow things out of proportion, it\u2019s often my own baggage. When he apologizes to me after he\u2019s said something hurtful, it really helps me move on and feel better. I\u2019m working on accepting his apology, letting go, and I\u2019m trying to be a bigger person.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    Since we all have flaws, give your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than attacking him or her or getting defensive. Being defensive or negative will only push your partner away. The next time you feel upset at your partner, examine your own thoughts and responses\u2014before you point out his or her faults\u2014if you want your relationship to endure the test of time.<\/p>\n

    XTwitter<\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong>Facebook<\/a>, <\/strong>and, movingpastdivorce.com<\/a>. Terry\u2019s award winning book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/a>: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents\u2019 Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question\u00a0<\/strong>here<\/strong><\/a>. Thanks! Terry\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    During tough conversations, it\u2019s helpful to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones. Many experts agree that bickering can lead to the demise of a relationship. It\u2019s like chronic warfare that erodes the quality of a relationship and makes it tough to discuss difficult topics. When dealing with differences with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3446,"featured_media":191,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[48,17],"class_list":["post-6245","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-communication","tag-marriage"],"yoast_head":"\n6 Ways to Curb Defensiveness with Your Partner<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"During tough conversations, it\u2019s helpful to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones. 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