\nThe Recent Mrs. Chins<\/em><\/p>\n
Two of my brothers are gay,<\/strong> and both of them found that coming out afforded them great peace and freedom. No longer needing to hide a portion of themselves, unconstricted by fear and having escaped the deceptive \u201csafety\u201d of their hiding place, they became more at ease in themselves \u2013 easier to be around in general \u2013 and more fully the men whom God had created them to be. They also discovered that their coming out did not make them less lovable or beloved.<\/p>\n So, their honesty brought freedom. Truth tends to make freedom.<\/p>\n In the post below<\/a>, we talk a little about things being \u201chidden\u201d and \u201cbrought to light.\u201d We all of us make instinctive moves to hide those parts of ourselves of which we disapprove, or which we fear others might hate. Hating ourselves, we project that hatred onto others, and then assume the worst: that people will be ungenerous, rather than generous, hateful rather than accepting (I do not use the overused-unto-meaningless word, \u201ctolerant.\u201d)<\/p>\n And sometimes, I think, even more than our fear of being hated \u2013 because some people are simply enthralled to their hate, so they\u2019re not worth worrying about \u2013 we try to hide ourselves because we don\u2019t want to disappoint the people who love us. We assume that our self-revelation will hurt them, and they will stop<\/em> loving us.<\/p>\n And that is difficult. I know I hate to disappoint people, and when I do, it stings. Fortunately, the people I have disappointed in my life have \u2013 for the most part \u2013 continued to love me. The ones who did not usually had other issues working inside them, issues my revealed-disappointments then triggered.<\/p>\n This is one of the reasons why I think it is so important for people, particularly leaders in social, political and religious venues, to be able to maintain a sense of detachment. The desire to be loved is natural, but it if is an insatiable appetite \u2013 if one absolutely needs<\/em> to be loved \u2013 it can distort many things, and disorder priorities, policies and penances.<\/p>\n Attachment and detachment are very spiritual values, and it is wise to take our inventories from time to time \u2013 examine what we are either too attached to, or too detached from, and adjust ourselves according, if we can.<\/p>\n Why am I writing this?<\/strong><\/p>\n Well, for a couple of reasons. First of all, it\u2019s Lent. And the Hound of Heaven drives me nuts, because He keeps taking me at my word. Last year, I was praying for a fruitful Lent and it became an excruciating exposition of just how hurtful I have been<\/a> to others, and how vulnerability \u2013 and our fear of it<\/a> \u2013 drives us.<\/p>\n This Lent arrived as I was finding myself, again and again, directed to look at issues of Trust<\/a>. I vaguely remember praying about trust, and asking to be taught about trust, to be moved to trust more.<\/p>\n I have told you guys over and over again: be careful what you pray for. You end up getting it. In spades.<\/p>\n The other reason is because the earlier also talked about \u201cwhat is hidden being revealed\u201d<\/em> and that \u2013 thank you incredibly nagging Holy Spirit \u2013 rang a bell that\u2019s been swaying back in forth in my mind for the last few weeks, an issue where my need to \u201chide\u201d has caused me to treat someone else unfairly. And I can\u2019t really do that, anymore.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve written in the past that I struggle with weight<\/strong>. I think I have alluded to my \u201cIrish hips\u201d (very wide), my \u201cchubster thighs\u201d. The truth is I go up and down the scale like Oprah. I have referred to my size as \u201cbetween the tonnage of Rosie O\u2019 Donnell and Michael Moore,\u201d and that is not really an exaggeration. I\u2019m like Totie Fields (if you admit to knowing who she is, you\u2019re dating yourself) but with a better voice.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve referred to myself as having one of those doughy Irish faces that is made for radio, and that\u2019s true. But I have a doughy body, too. I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 14 \u2013 actually, I have a wishful-thinking size 10 red dress in there that I\u2019ll never wear \u2013 to size CT (Circus Tent). Currently I am at the CT side of the closet.<\/p>\n So, yeah, I\u2019m fat. I know all the yo-yoing is not good for me; I\u2019d likely be healthier if I would just pick a size and stay there, stick to an exercise regime and so forth, but \u2013 you know \u2013 I\u2019m an American suburban woman with eating and weight issues, and I mostly delude myself that I am the only one.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been afraid to \u201ccome out\u201d as a fat person, not because I feared the people who will hate me; the people who hate me will hate me whether I am fat or thin, and if their eternal adolescence drives them to call me \u201cfatty-fat-fat\u201d well, I can\u2019t help that. If they weren\u2019t calling me \u201cfatty-fat-fat\u201d they\u2019d be calling me something else. It\u2019s the nature of the adolescent. (And by the way, those sorts exist both on the \u201ctolerant\u201d and \u201ccompassionate\u201d left \u2013 where I read all sorts of heinous nastiness about Rush Limbaugh\u2019s \u201cbulk\u201d \u2013 and on the \u201cChristian\u201d and \u201cloving\u201d right, where I read the most awful things about Oprah and Rosie and Michael Moore. Fat people are easy targets, because they\u2019re so big, I guess.)<\/p>\n I was afraid to talk about being fat, though, because I did not want to disappoint the people who like me. Without pictures, it\u2019s easy to create a pleasing image in your mind, and \u2013 although I do have a not-flattering but at-the-time accurate picture of myself up in the \u201cabout\u201d section (I took it about a year ago, and have seen it photoshopped with a dancing condom and and in a nun\u2019s habit, so far), I\u2019ve preferred to let you imagine me however you\u2019ve wanted to.<\/p>\n So, it pains me, now,<\/strong> to have to reveal myself not at my Rosie-size, but in my Jabba-Incarnation, but it must be done \u2013 otherwise, I will only continue to delude myself that I can conduct an honest business relationship with someone while simultaneously ducking myself; that I can work with someone, and get some satisfaction out of that experience, while not giving him the advantage of my sometimes-useful pulpit.<\/p>\n And that I can keep yo-yoing forever, too.<\/p>\n The thing is, yer girl\u2019s been on tv, and not telling you.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t going to do it. When Deacon Greg<\/a> \u2013 who is the News Director for the Diocese of Brooklyn \u2013 contacted me, laughing uproariously, because his Diocesan Vicar of Communications had memoe\u2019d him about trying to get me<\/em> for a televised panel discussion group, I laughed too.<\/p>\n But the thing is \u2013 that Hound of Heaven. I\u2019d been praying about trust and about other, more private, things. The good Deacon\u2019s call seemed like one of those God-Being-Funny \u201cyou shouldn\u2019t have asked\u201d moments. So, I prayed about it.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t going to do it. No way. I am unphotogenic and fat. And even when I am thinner, I am an imbecile. I have a stammer. And I hate being looked at. I have always preferred being backstage with the script to being onstage with the microphone.<\/p>\n \u201cPray about it,\u201d Deacon Greg said.<\/p>\n \u201cPray about it,\u201d said my husband, \u201cit sounds like a challenge.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t,\u201d said Elder Son, who is rather like me, \u201cbeing public sounds horrible.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou should do it,\u201d said Buster, who hasn\u2019t a shy bone in his body, \u201cit sounds like fun.\u201d<\/p>\n I prayed about it, and had decided not to do it. So much for trusting and being open.<\/p>\n Then I was at Sunday mass and The Dreadful Catholic Choir was singing a song<\/a> I\u2019d never heard before. I don\u2019t know what the words were. What I heard was, \u201cwill you move out of your comfort zone and let yourself be humiliated if it is for my sake?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n And I rolled my eyes and said, \u201cthis is why no one likes you, God. Oh, fine, okay, crap. I\u2019ll do it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I would have liked to have said, \u201cmake me thin first<\/em>, because you know, then the sting will be milder.\u201d<\/p>\n But fat or thin, this would always be a humiliation for me, and I had to accept that.<\/p>\n Still\u2026I tried.<\/p>\n \u201cMake me thin. Give me like a tapeworm or something. A mild illness?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNah,\u201d said God. \u201cPaul had his<\/em> thorn in the flesh; are you better than Paul?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fleshier than Paul,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n \u201cMore of you to love!\u201d said God, \u201cand umm\u2026more room for thorns. I ain\u2019t done with you, yet.\u201d Sometimes we do not recognise the answers we seek, because they seem to be enshrouded in storms, and disguised as clouds.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I love God. And because I do, I went ahead and did the show, and exposed myself in a thousand ways I never, ever dreamed I would.<\/p>\n And because I love God I can say this, and know he\u2019ll understand it: Freaking God!<\/em><\/p>\n My husband said to me, \u201cI am so proud of you. I know how difficult that was. I know this is never what you wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n Buster said, \u201cMom, I\u2019m so proud of you.\u201d<\/p>\n Elder Son and his Sweet Girlfriend said, \u201cyou\u2019re really stupid, you know that? So what, you\u2019re fat, so what you stammer. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You need permission from others to live your life?\u201d<\/p>\n Deacon Greg said, \u201ccome back next week. Sooner or later, you might even have fun.\u201d<\/p>\n So\u2026without further ado. Go here, to Deacon Greg\u2019s business establishment<\/a> and where it says \u201cSelect a Program\u201d click on \u201cIn the Arena<\/em>\u201c. And in the second and third parts, you can watch me sit next to the very nice Jane Hanson, who weighs approximately 80 pounds, and make a blithering fool of myself.<\/p>\n
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\nGod\u2019s not done with any of us, yet.<\/strong> And often what is good for us does not always seem so, at the time. As I wrote in a different post, this morning<\/a>:<\/p>\n