Positively the Most Epic Catholic Kitsch Ever…

August 31, 2014 By Katrina Fernandez

…Behold, Glow Jesus, in it’s all splendor.

Photo credit, Liesa G. H/T Scott B.

It brings a tear to the eye.

It’s positively perfect in every way, aesthetically (as kitsch goes) and theologically with it’s rich use of symbolism.

The the sea shell, especially the scallop shell, is the symbol of Baptism, and is found frequently on Baptismal fonts. Here, the shell at the bottom can be used as a holy water font.

And those five silk roses. Betcha didn’t know when five roses are grouped together they symbolize the five wounds of Christ?

Jesus glows in the dark because He’s a light in the darkness, naturally.

Even the use of “Florida” contains deeper hidden meaning. Florida is the 27th state. What does the number 27 represent? Why only the Holy Spirit! Also, a reader noted that the state’s name itself comes from the phrase “Pascua Florida“, a festival associated with the Easter season and the Passion of Christ.

See… the most epic kitsch ever. Far more glorious and profound than at first glance.

the failure of Catholic kitsch …

June 9, 2011 By Katrina Fernandez

… it’s no secret I love Catholic kitsch. But this, I don’t like. Sure it’s campy and colorful. Bright, almost retablo is style. The kitsch factor is there for sure. But, no. It’s does not sit well with me.

Coming from someone who coveted this piece of art. I know, it seems so contradictory. I suppose if super hereos were real during the time of Christ he would evangelize them and tell them to use their powers for good. I doubt the Blessed Virgin Mary would hang ten; however.

Sure, we have all kinds of historical depictions of The Madonna wearing period dress and doing rather mundane things like hanging laundry and sweeping the floors. Not every depiction of Mary need be majestic and royal. While I think of Her as the Queen of Heaven, I still find comfort in the fact that She did joyfully the same very real things I do begrudgingly… like sweep the floors and washing laundry.

This fails at endearing kitsch, and I can judge these accordingly having a Doctorate in Shitty Art.

Our Lady of Guadelupe is the patroness of the unborn and Mexico. An image dear to many Catholics. Her message is of life. Here, in this piece of fail, that message is turned around to “Save the Ocean”. I wonder if the artist was intentionally trying to say that the earth is more important to save than life. Maybe not.

Maybe Mark Patterson, being a gringo in California, saw Our Lady every where and didn’t understand the meaning behind the miraculous self portrait given to us on the tilma of St. Juan Diego. I tend to think that’s all. No purposeful sinister motives intended. Just stupidity dressed up as wit.

I’ve said it before, where lack of understanding and talent meet, shitty art is born.

you know you’re a kitschy Catholic when…

June 17, 2010 By Katrina Fernandez

… you think having a bathtub in your in front yard is a superb idea.

Some one left an old tub on the side of the road and my first thought upon seeing it was to immediately call a friend and beg them to bring their truck so I could take it home and stick it in my yard. Imagine it! My very own Bathtub Madonna. My Abuelita would be so proud.

I love kitsch but even I have my limits…

March 30, 2010 By Katrina Fernandez

… do you have any Easter related kitsch you like; why not share it here?

Catholics love their kitsch…

August 24, 2008 By Katrina Fernandez

… but this, wow.

Catholic Kitsch Contest…

June 13, 2008 By Katrina Fernandez

… NOMINATIONS ARE NOW CLOSED!

Voting has begun in 2 categories; Someone’s going to hell for that and I’d buy that for a buck.

*I started out with 3 categories but it was too much damn effort. Deal.

#1 Lourdes Bead Bag

#2 Turn Jesus On Light Switch

#3 Jesus is My Coach

#4 Deluxe Jesus

#5 Hippy Nun

#6 Jesus Ashtray

#7 Canine Nativity Set

#8 Santa Baby

#9 Magic 8 Ball Jesus

#10 Jesus is Watching

#11 Lord’s Prayer Singing Alarm Clock

#12 Purification Scented Air Freshener

#13 Unicorns at Lourdes

#14 Holy Toast

#15 Soft Saints

#16 Holy Family Bean Bag Toss

#17 Last Supper Lunchbox

#18 Benedict Brew

#19 Pope on a Rope

#20 Pope’s Cologne

#21 Bobblehead Benedict

#22 Last Supper After Dinner Mints

#23 The Gospel in a Nutshell

#24 Jesus Cigarette Case

#25 Don’t Make Me Come Off This Cross!

#26 Je-Sus!

#27 St. Francis Dog Bandanna

#28 Glow in the Dark Holy Water Bottles

#29 Pope JPII Music/Rosary Box

#30 Innocent III Action Figure

#31 Chinese Take Out Last Supper

#32 Homeboy Jesus Poster

#33 Honk Bumper Sticker

#34 Jasmine Scented Angel Snot

#35 Jesus Band Aides with TOY INSIDE!

#36 Jesus Pencil Toppers

#37 Mother Teresa Breath Spray

#38 Nun Chucks

#39 Follow Jesus Flip Flops

#40 Lookin’ Good for Jesus

#41 Patron Saint of Parking

#42 Benedict Poopin. I can’t explain it. See this post.

#43 Gumball Machine Saints

#44 St. Sebastian Pin Cushion

#45 Mary Saves! USB Stick

#46 Astronaut Jesus

#47 Sacred heart Appetizer

#48 Pope’s Posse Pillow

#49 Framed Crown of Thorns

Rollin’ With the Holy…

July 2, 2014 By Katrina Fernandez

… I am addicted to Catholic Kitsch. Ask anyone whose been over to my house.

It’s everywhere. In every room and on every shelf. It’s even in places it probably shouldn’t be, like the bathroom. My collection is the envy of all the Abuelitas.

When I was in RCIA I received a crucifix from my sponsor and I joked, “I suppose now I need to redecorate my house”, thinking of the only other Catholic I knew at the time, my sweet Abuela.

Boy, oh how! Does she ever have her house Catholic’d out.

Glitter haloed pictures of Madonna, statues of saints, a Pieta altar, and angels. Angels, angels everywhere. Rosaries hang from the walls and you can’t knock over a stack of mail or a book without a dozen holy cards falling out.

Remember Clair Dane’s room in Romeo and Juliet?

Tame in comparison. Gringos have no flair.

My heritage and faith demands I decorate every inch of wall and shelf space, fill the yard with statuary, and then take my ever growing collection of kitsch to the next level. My automobile.

This is just the start. Obviously. It’s needs a bobble head Pope and dashboard Mary, a papal flag hanging from the rear view mirror, and a couple of St. Michael visor clips.

Sadly, so far none of this car kitsch has done a thing to curb my road rage.

Pray for me.

Crescat and The Neon Halos…

September 26, 2013 By Katrina Fernandez

… Most Catholics I know have extremely good taste for aesthetics. Their preferences are typically high brow, bordering on snobbery. That’s because we know beauty. But secretly, we do love our kitsch. We heart it with the fierce affection a parent has for their children’s scribbles. Or maybe that’s just the boricua in me talking. Because I love me some bathtub Madonnas, statues with human hair wigs, and neon halos.

Especially neon halos.

Blessed Virgin Mary at St. Margaret Mary Catholic Church, Wichita, Kansas

Stunning!

One of these days I am gonna get a big bathtub Maddona, put in Her the front yard, and illuminate Her with one of those spinning color wheel lights.

On a side note; Fr. Erik noted Neon Halos would make an excellent band name should I ever decided to revive the old punk band.

Suggested Programming For EWTN …

July 14, 2013 By Katrina Fernandez

… Speaking of not liking things we are supposed to like just because they are Catholic (like Popes), let’s talk about EWTN. Sam Rocha hates EWTN. As do I. I adore Mother Angelica and the rosary. The televised mass is a delight. The rest of the programming; however, is a bit droll. It’s too serious. Seriously Catholic. So Catholic. Overly serious.

*Yawn*

Catholics are a riot. We drink, we laugh, we have van loads of babies and every feast day is a mini party. Catholics are lovers of life and connoisseurs of beauty. We need to be showing the world that side of Catholicism. The joyous every day side of the faith and Her very real and relatable followers.

So what’s with all the seriousness? How about a reality series following around large Catholic families? People were fascinated with the Duggars but Catholics are the hispters of the big family. I recommend Simcha Fisher and Clan Donaldson for the job. Comedy gold right there, folks.

Might I also suggest a show called What Not To Wear To Mass hosted by Hallie Lord. She can take your trashy teenage daughter and slovenly son for a wardrobe intervention. If you run into copyright issues with the phrase “What Not To Wear”, I think Yaweh or the Highway has a nice sound to it.

Or even better, at Matthew Alderman‘s suggestion, a clerical version entitled “How Not to Vest,” where a wisecracking deacon and nun throw out Fr. Polyester’s hideous chasubles?

OOoooo. And a Catholic redecorating show. Where a team of decorators goes into the home of a new convert and adds the obligatory, yet tasteful (or not), Catholic tchotkes. Projects could also include building a family altar or Prie-dieu. Dwija would be perfect for the job!

Image source.

How about a gardening show, called Mary’s Garden. Where the host turns your ugly yard into a lovely garden accentuated with statues while providing educational background and the spiritual significance of various flowers. Terry Nelson was made for a show like that.

And why hasn’t this been done yet… a Catholic home brewing show? Or a show touring monastery breweries and vineyards. Visit local pubs owned and operated by Catholics. I’m sure you could twist the Catholic Drinkie’s arm to host a show like this.

rochefort460 — Brewery at Abbey Notre Dame de Saint Remy, Rochefort. Photo: Paul Cooper, Rex Features

How about a travel show visiting parishes as they celebrate their patron’s day with parties and processions. A cultural guide to Catholic parties, if you will. I’ll gladly host that show.

Just give us something more entertaining and representative of our faith than series after series of guest speakers sitting around a coffee table. And stop with the poorly produced, cheesy movies. Every time there is a low budget production on the life a saint an angel loses it’s wings and a kitten dies.

EWTN… there I fixed it.