Women of Spirit and Faith<\/em><\/a> spiritual leadership retreat in Atlanta\u00a0that I found out.<\/p>\nOn the second day of the retreat, the women gathered on the banks of a nearby river to release our rage and fear, pain and anger, to yell out what we\u2019d held inside, against whomever we had held it against, whether for days or decades.<\/p>\n
At first, there was silence from our self-proclaimed crowd of shitstorm-kickers.<\/p>\n
But, then the women, especially the younger ones, began to speak.<\/p>\n
They spoke of women \u2013 grandmothers, mothers, sisters, friends \u2013 who ripped jagged holes in their sense of worth, love and beauty, holes they still struggled to fill as adults.<\/p>\n
Of men \u2013 grandfathers, fathers, partners, friends, co-workers \u2013 who abused, twisted or mistreated them.<\/p>\n
Of their own fears that held them back from fulfilling their greatest potential.<\/p>\n
Of affection and pain and joy and anger inextricably twisted into fists jammed into stomachs and hearts, silencing throats from speaking or singing.<\/p>\n
Rachelle, our First Nation guide, urged us to release our emotions into the river and let them be carried swiftly away by the broad, cleansing water.<\/p>\n
I stood in silence, thinking of my mother, trembling with anger, choked with sadness and pain. Finally, I spoke the words I hadn\u2019t been able to say for months.<\/p>\n
\u201cAmiji, I forgive you. \u00a0I forgive you for loving me with all the drowning force of a tsunami, and then for disappearing into the desert of absence, leaving me no place of safety in between.<\/p>\n
I forgive you for holding me to the standards of other people, for choosing them over me from fear and shame.<\/p>\n
For all the desires you had for me that I couldn\u2019t fulfill. For your own dreams that you had to drown, but still hoped I\u2019d accomplish in your place someday.<\/p>\n
I forgive you because I know you still love me, even though you\u2019ve chosen to leave me \u2013 for now.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said I forgave her. But, it is truer to say that the ritual was the first step on the path to forgiveness, rather than forgiveness itself. It purified and watered my parched spiritual soil and then held open the space for the seeds of something better to germinate there instead, over time.<\/p>\n
After the river ritual, we gathered in a drum circle to celebrate the release of all that had held us back, to ground ourselves in Mother Earth, and to honor our connection to each other through singing, bowing, and dancing.<\/p>\n
Listening to the women\u2019s joyful voices, I began to understand that no matter what life brings, I cannot sever myself from my mother, my blood, my family \u2013 regardless of our choices and cyclical distances. My family is the river I am immersed in, float upon, and will swim in forever \u2013 for better, and for worse.<\/p>\n
But taking part in this communal ritual gave me the spiritual tools to navigate my troubled waters. I\u2019m fortified by the knowledge that the water in my body is forever connected to that sacred ritual, healing stream, and circle of spiritual sisters who gathered to sing of joy, beauty and power by a river in Georgia.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, while standing here in my kitchen in San Francisco, I suddenly see the light slanting golden on Meredith sitting on the grass as the circle began to wind down, and hear her singing, \u201cI went down to the river to pray\u2026\u201d Her sweet, lone voice is soon joined and buoyed in my memory by the strength of many others.<\/p>\n
The circle is the oasis that I carry within my heart and soul and drink deep from to face \u2013 and heal \u2013 the rapids to come.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ayesha Mattu is a writer and consultant. Her first book, \u2018Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women\u2019\u00a0\u00a0is out now. She currently serves on the board of World Pulse. Ayesha\u00a0is working on a memoir about losing \u2013 and\u00a0finding \u2013 faith and love, and blogs at Rickshaw Diaries\u00a0. \u00a0 \u00a0 O sisters let\u2019s go […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":98,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-460","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections-on-wsf-retreat"],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n