\u201cOphelia,\u201d John William Waterhouse. For symbolic purposes.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>I don\u2019t want to ruin everyone\u2019s day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should\u2019ve been left at home. Now I\u2019m moping in a corner, one hand stuffed in my pocket and the other resentfully holding some water. You told me to have a drink, and\u00a0I\u2019m having water purely to spite you. Yeah, I\u2019m that<\/em> person at your party. Because I don\u2019t want to talk about Amoris Laetitia<\/em>, \u201cThe Joy of Love,\u201d the pope\u2019s new exhortation on marriage and the family.<\/p>\nI don\u2019t want you to quote it or give me key points.\u00a0Yes, Pope Francis is amazing. So is marriage and family. He changed the whatever that also stayed exactly the same. Hooray for us, I don\u2019t disagree, go talk to someone else. I don\u2019t want to talk. Because\u00a0this is a document that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and that hurts.<\/p>\n
See? You wished you left me to be grumpy at home.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s the thing: I was sexually abused. For years. And I had no idea how to say it \u2013 none\u00a0\u2013 and no one noticed. Not even\u00a0my parents. So you might say that I have some profoundly<\/em> ambivalent feelings about sex, marriage, and family.<\/p>\nI wish no one would ever ask me, ask me\u00a0anything remotely related to any that, so I wouldn\u2019t have to say it and ruin everything. I don\u2019t like reminding\u00a0people that this shit happens and that sometimes people get really, really messed up from it. But everyone is talking about marriage and sex and family, and this is all I\u2019ve got. You should\u2019ve just left me home.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m pretty messed up. If you didn\u2019t let me just rattle off basic Church teaching, the wounds would be obvious.\u00a0Reduced to tracing the awful scars of my understanding, I would be asking you with haunted and sincere eyes, \u201cIsn\u2019t all sex violent?\u201d And I\u2019d mean every damn inch of that sentence including the question mark. If you laughed, I\u2019d cry. Because I\u2019d mean<\/em> it. All I personally know about sex is<\/em> violent.\u00a0It is very nearly all that I can imagine about it even now, and I am a few years free of the experience itself.<\/p>\nI cannot stress how serious I am.<\/p>\n
All while I am quite aware that the world and the Church imagine much better things \u2013 even if they disagree about parts of it. At least they agree that such things\u00a0won\u2019t make you hurt forever.\u00a0I do not agree. I don\u2019t fucking get it. But I got twisted up inside, and lots of other people didn\u2019t, and I\u2019ll just\u2026 Get out of everyone\u2019s way.<\/p>\n
I really, sincerely try not to get upset. I try to believe other people.<\/p>\n
Except for today. I\u2019ve had it today. I am so sick of it today. I don\u2019t like being the way I am, and I don\u2019t like what feels like the entire world celebrating while I can\u2019t. I can\u2019t<\/em>. I don\u2019t believe you people. It\u2019s not real, whatever you say. Not today. I\u2019ve had it.<\/p>\nSex is violent. That\u2019s what I know.\u00a0And family?\u00a0My parents love<\/em> me. They mean the best. They just \u2013 fucking \u2013 failed<\/em>. Like everyone who loves fails. But they failed really badly. They failed badly, but they\u2019re not bad. It\u2019s confusing. I love them with everything I have, and sometimes I hate them that way too. Because sometimes people mean everything good and everything bad happens anyway.<\/p>\nI read\u00a0news blurbs and quotes about Pope Francis discussing\u00a0the difficulties of family and I laughed, all hollowed out inside. I wanted to scream. To break my laptop at my desk, to bleed. Anything, anything<\/em> to pull\u00a0the pain out of my ribs.<\/p>\nI\u2019m not comforted by the simple knowledge \u2013 the notion, really \u2013 that it\u2019s not like this for most people. I\u2019ll submit to the truth of that, but it means very little. It\u00a0just makes me feel even more lost. As if\u00a0my own humanity was torn from me when I was ten, and then again and again. For years and years.<\/p>\n
In certain ways, it was. Which is\u2026 Difficult to recover from.<\/p>\n
Nor am I\u00a0comforted by various advocates and theories. The ones that explain and rage over the violence. I always think it\u2019s strange even as I think it, but I\u2019m almost\u00a0never\u00a0comforted. I don\u2019t know why. Maybe because I take all the words\u00a0to be lines. Maybe because I think you\u2019re trying to tuck me away and out of your mind.\u00a0Maybe because women hurt me too.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not denying Church teaching, or that Pope Francis is awesome, or any of that. I simply have no idea what to do with my anger, my absolute fury\u00a0and sorrow, that\u00a0I suffered as I did and as I do. That it made me into\u2026whatever I am. Someone\u00a0who doesn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
The Church isn\u2019t talking to me in that letter. And that\u2019s alright.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I just fucking wish you weren\u2019t all so happy about things that hurt me so much.<\/p>\n
I almost never say that, and I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019ll feel better tomorrow. Just\u2026fuck you guys, sometimes.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u2019t want to ruin everyone\u2019s day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should\u2019ve been left at home. Now I\u2019m moping in a corner, one hand stuffed in my pocket and the other resentfully holding some water. You told me to have a drink, and\u00a0I\u2019m having […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2641,"featured_media":157,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[93,31,96,95,94,25,92,52],"class_list":["post-156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-amoris-laetitia","tag-catholicism","tag-cranky-af","tag-family","tag-marriage","tag-mental-illness","tag-pope-francis","tag-trauma"],"yoast_head":"\n
Sorrow at the joy of love.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sorrow at the joy of love.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Rule and the Raven\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-04-10T00:17:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-04-10T01:29:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/636\/2016\/04\/ophelia-1889.jpgLarge.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"750\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"471\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Anne Carpenter\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Anne Carpenter\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/\",\"name\":\"Sorrow at the joy of love.\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-04-10T00:17:31+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-04-10T01:29:38+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/54191ff407d52974ce447abdb987c3de\"},\"description\":\"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Sorrow at the joy of love.\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/\",\"name\":\"The Rule and the Raven\",\"description\":\"Dialectical Traditionalism. And whatnot.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/54191ff407d52974ce447abdb987c3de\",\"name\":\"Anne Carpenter\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c93ff3a8fbda14b24b52feeca73eba1c?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c93ff3a8fbda14b24b52feeca73eba1c?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Anne Carpenter\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/author\/acarpenter\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Sorrow at the joy of love.","description":"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Sorrow at the joy of love.","og_description":"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/","og_site_name":"The Rule and the Raven","article_published_time":"2016-04-10T00:17:31+00:00","article_modified_time":"2016-04-10T01:29:38+00:00","og_image":[{"width":750,"height":471,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/636\/2016\/04\/ophelia-1889.jpgLarge.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Anne Carpenter","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Anne Carpenter","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/","name":"Sorrow at the joy of love.","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-04-10T00:17:31+00:00","dateModified":"2016-04-10T01:29:38+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/54191ff407d52974ce447abdb987c3de"},"description":"I don't want to ruin everyone's day. I feel like that person who got cajoled into going to the party who maybe should've been left at home. Now I'm moping","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/2016\/04\/09\/sorrow-at-the-joy-of-love\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Sorrow at the joy of love."}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/","name":"The Rule and the Raven","description":"Dialectical Traditionalism. And whatnot.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/54191ff407d52974ce447abdb987c3de","name":"Anne Carpenter","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c93ff3a8fbda14b24b52feeca73eba1c?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c93ff3a8fbda14b24b52feeca73eba1c?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","caption":"Anne Carpenter"},"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/author\/acarpenter\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2641"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=156"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theruleandtheraven\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"Ophelia,\" John William Waterhouse](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/636\/2016\/04\/ophelia-1889.jpgLarge.jpg\")