{"id":1975,"date":"2019-01-20T12:12:37","date_gmt":"2019-01-20T12:12:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/theshoelessbanshee\/?p=1975"},"modified":"2019-01-22T21:00:18","modified_gmt":"2019-01-22T21:00:18","slug":"unconventional-catholicism-audaciously-snatching-grace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/theshoelessbanshee\/2019\/01\/20\/unconventional-catholicism-audaciously-snatching-grace\/","title":{"rendered":"Unconventional Catholicism: Audaciously Snatching Grace"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"
St. Patrick\u2019s Church, Edinburgh, Scotland<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

\u00a0<\/p>\n

On New Year\u2019s Eve I spent some time reflecting, and I wrote my thoughts to a beloved friend who has become like a spiritual guide to me:<\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019m wrestling with something. I went to Mass yesterday. I wanted to go, and my friend explicitly told me I didn\u2019t have to go, which made it that I was <\/span>able <\/span><\/i>to go. I walked into St. Patrick\u2019s parish in Edinburgh and smelled incense and saw the manger and felt at home. I was happy to be there. And they sang Christmas hymns I know, which, after spending so much time in Spain, was such a gift. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

So, I fully intended not to receive Eucharist because I haven\u2019t been attending Mass regularly and I don\u2019t fully know what I believe and, well, I\u2019m on sabbatical from Catholicism. And I don\u2019t have energy to play the game of going to Confession every time I want to go to Mass (since I don\u2019t go regularly and this is normally considered a mortal sin), so that I can receive the Eucharist.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Anyway, at Mass yesterday, after my friend went to Communion, the line was still going, so she turned to me and asked me so lovingly, \u201cyou sure you don\u2019t want to go?\u201d I was so shocked. Dumbfounded. I suppose I just assumed she would have been relieved I didn\u2019t try to go when I\u2019m living my life of sin. I guess I assumed she was judging me the same way I\u2019d always judged others when I was younger. But she wasn\u2019t. She was welcoming me to go, to be healed. And I said no. And then I almost cried, because I wanted to receive so badly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

So I spent all day remembering how many dear, faithful friends have encouraged me to go and receive despite being broken. Despite my imperfect Mass attendance card. And I remembered a conversation in with some of them in which a priest I trusted explained that my PTSD and anxiety are very valid reasons not to attend Mass, so it\u2019s not a mortal sin\u2014it\u2019s not any kind of sin at all. As I pondered this, I realized that this past summer I just made the decision not to receive until I have my life and my faith sorted out. I\u2019d decided this because it\u2019s simpler than playing pingpong in my brain every time I go to Mass, \u201cdo I receive Him or not today?\u201d Because that\u2019s what I used to do when I had crippling scrupulosity as a young teenager and my dad made us go to Mass every day, when I\u2019d sit in the pew for the entire thing (and for most of the day leading up to Mass, too), destroying my thumb as I tried to decide if I was worthy to receive or if I would condemn myself to hell through some accidental sacrilege.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Please understand. What a person with spiritual OCD like mine craves most is just a solid answer. An official decision. I will receive, or I won\u2019t. And the easiest answer is not to receive, because then you don\u2019t have to worry that maybe you chose wrong and stare into the gaping mouth of hell everyday. So at some point last summer when I no longer could make myself attend Mass regularly, I made this decision. I was done receiving Eucharist, Christ, my encounter with the divine that I crave so intensely that it makes me ache. I\u2019d deny myself that balm, that meeting with Him, His intimate kiss, until I was able to go to Mass again. Or until I knew what I believed. Or until I was good enough for the stipulations of the Baltimore Catechism. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

But at Mass yesterday, on December 29, I realized that I think this was the wrong answer. I don\u2019t think I can find peace with God until I get beyond this gatekeeper voice of my past that tells me I\u2019m unworthy to receive Him, when He is waiting there for me\u2014to heal me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

And yes, some of you will point out Reconciliation. But Confession just isn\u2019t a realistic answer in my case, since the reason many times I can\u2019t go to Mass is PTSD, which is a legitimate mitigating reason.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

And this is when the lies creep back in and tell me I\u2019m making excuses and that surely not every time I skipped Sunday Mass it was because of PTSD. But I tell that voice to shove it. Because the reality is that yes\u2014when I don\u2019t have the strength for Mass, it is always related to PTSD and trauma. <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

So, I guess I\u2019ve come to the conclusion that this is The Shit I\u2019m Getting Rid of This New Year (as Marybeth Chuey Bishop of <\/span>Made for Ordinary Time<\/span><\/a> puts it). I\u2019m going to believe in the kind of God who will welcome me when I am able to come, and who wants me to receive Him even in my woundedness. As I recently told a beloved friend here at Patheos Catholic, <\/span>I know that if I can believe in a God, it must be that one or none at all.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I really want to start this New Year by going to Mass tomorrow and boldly receiving Him into me.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I wrote this to my friend, and she responded with such wisdom and love. She gave me permission to share it with you here.<\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

My favorite time in the Church was the time of the early Church, when everyone was ablaze with expectancy [something the world needs MUCH more of, imo] and the metaphors all pointed to something actually Real and Alive\u2014something that wasn\u2019t \u201csomething\u201d but a Person with whom one could interact using the ordinary things of reality\u2014a spoon, a cup, the moon, a road, a toad, the sky, a cloud, an empty can\u2026 I don\u2019t think people went around wondering if one thing or another thing they were doing was \u201cokay\u201d\u2014they just wanted to love, love, love this Person they were meeting through all these basic, everyday things. So I\u2019d translate your question from \u201cis it okay?\u201d to \u201cis it the most loving thing?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

The rules surrounding the reception of Communion are *supposed* to help increase our love and devotion. Maybe they do for some people? But they quickly got degraded into \u201cbenchmarks\u201d or instructions from a how-to manual. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

What does Jesus want from us? What does He really, truly want? He wants to invade our lives. He wants to reach way down into the roots of our cells and turn them ablaze with love and joy. \u201cI have said these things to you so that my joy might be in you and your joy may be complete.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Jesus gave us a set of moral precepts\u2014called the maxims\u2014which overshadow\/make ridiculous the 10 Commandments and they definitely take precedence over any rules dictated by church people trying too hard to *make* people fall in love (assuming their best intentions, here). I say, try to fulfill *those* maxims first and then if you have time or energy left over, you can worry about whether it\u2019s okay to take communion 30 minutes after drinking some tea (which I do all the time, btw) or without having gone to Confession in a long time (which I do all the time), or when I get to Mass so late that I don\u2019t hear the Gospel, or whatever. I\u2019m too busy trying to love my enemies, Marie. Once I get that one mastered, I can start worrying about secondary things. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Maybe I\u2019m not being completely \u201corthodox,\u201d but maybe I am. The thing is that those \u201crules\u201d keep changing. Used to be that you couldn\u2019t eat or drink anything ALL DAY before taking communion\u2014now it\u2019s just one hour before. And last I checked, there wasn\u2019t a rule about Confession before being able to take Communion\u2014I think there\u2019s some kind of suggestion (and different people make different suggestions) but no actual rule. I think, technically, you\u2019d have to go to Confession before you could take communion if you\u2019d murdered someone. Or if the Church had excommunicated you for some reason\u2014and that\u2019s another one that is problematic, anyway\u2014since the reasons for excommunicating someone keep shifting around, too. My own rule of thumb is that if a rule can be changed, it\u2019s not all that important\u2014it\u2019s more like a gift that you can leave unwrapped if you don\u2019t need one of those. But try to live Jesus\u2019 maxims\u2014just worry about those: Do I love my neighbor as myself? Do I say \u201cyes\u201d when I mean \u201cyes\u201d and \u201cno\u201d when I mean \u201cno\u201d (harder than it seems!). Do I give to everyone who asks of me? If someone asks me for my cloak, do I give my shirt as well? Am I a peacemaker (now I\u2019m thinking of the Beatitudes)? Am I poor in spirit? Do I allow myself to become like a little child? Do I pray for those who persecute me? Do I store up treasures in heaven rather than those that moths can eat and rust can corrode? Do I love others the way that Christ loves me?\u2014aren\u2019t these, and the other maxims of Christ, enough to preoccupy us? <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

So, I believe that a lot of these \u201clittle rules\u201d get made up because people know they are failing at actually living the Gospel imperatives, so they make up rules they can actually follow and then feel good about themselves. And I think that\u2019s bullshit. Moreover, these stupid little rules that those with power find relatively easy to follow become really burdensome and almost impossible to those in difficult situations. And that\u2019s worse than bullshit\u2014it\u2019s cruel, like when Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for imposing heavy burdens and then not lifting a finger to help people. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

So, yeah, I think it\u2019s okay. I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s okay that you have to worry about whether it\u2019s okay.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To which I responded:<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I think I am failing at all of those Beatitude things, so that caused me a bit of panic for a second. But then I remembered that Christ didn\u2019t say I couldn\u2019t have communion until I perfect those\u2014 because that\u2019s impossible. And on a small scale, I am working on them. So. That counts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

The end to this all is that on January 1st, New Year\u2019s Day, 2019, I received Christ in the Eucharist for the first time in more months than I could say. I felt His mercy burn in me as the kiss of the host touched my tongue.<\/h3>\n

<\/h3>\n

And I found peace.<\/h3>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Unconventional Catholicism<\/strong> is a new weekly series we are beginning at The Shoeless Banshee. It is a place for our friends to share reflections, devotions, poetry, fiction, flash memoir, or whatever they like about what their Catholicism is. It might be strange. But it is a place for us to share these encounters and adventures we are on with the divine.\u00a0Note: at the Shoeless Banshee, we don\u2019t really do evangelism. Or, as a dear theologian friend once told me, we do evangelism in the truest sense. We focus on honesty, on being raw. We aren\u2019t selling a product so much as courageously opening a window to our own hearts and souls.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

What is your Catholicism like? What makes it unique? What was your journey, how did you find peace? How do you reconcile the often conflicting parts of being human, being Catholic, having a moral code (and perhaps not always agreeing with it), finding mystery, offering mercy in pain. How do you find God?<\/em><\/p>\n

Literally the only things we don\u2019t welcome are any kind of dogmatic or apologetic approach that could other our readers and friends. No homophobia. No racism. No transphobia. No sexism. None of the isms.<\/em><\/p>\n

However, philosophy and theology are certainly encouraged,\u00a0so long as the focus is exploration, curiosity, and compassion.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you find God in tradition, give us a glimpse into how, into why. If you find him in the trees, well\u2014so do I.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you are interested in contributing, please email Jennifer and me at theshoelessbanshee@gmail.com. Love to you, and peace on the journey.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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