{"id":1552,"date":"2009-04-20T22:27:25","date_gmt":"2009-04-20T22:27:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/owenstrachan.com\/?p=1552"},"modified":"2009-04-20T22:27:25","modified_gmt":"2009-04-20T22:27:25","slug":"what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/","title":{"rendered":"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"baucham\"Voddie Baucham\u2019s new What He Must Be<\/em><\/a> (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0 I would like to commend it to you.<\/p>\n

Baucham, pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church<\/a> of Spring, TX, and author of Family-Driven Faith<\/em><\/a>, a book I liked very much, offers personal testimony to the importance of a father.\u00a0 He speaks honestly and directly to the epidemic of fatherlessness in the African-American community.\u00a0 For example, of the first cousins in his own family, \u201conly eight of the twenty-three (35 percent) ever married.\u00a0 Five of the eight (63 percent) who married have been divorced.\u00a0 However, that number is a bit deceiving since one is deceased, one was widowed, and another is currently separated.\u00a0 Thus, only one of my twenty-three first cousins is currently married and living with her spouse.\u00a0 That represents less than one half of 1 percent!\u201d<\/p>\n

In light of such tragedy, Baucham commends the biblical model of the patriarch, the man of God whose personal strength extends to his family, his church, and his community.\u00a0 His call is gospel-centered; the text never devolves into moralizing.\u00a0 Throughout the book, Baucham mixes cultural commentary with biblical exegesis, offering the reader a clear, helpful, biblical guide on how we can train boys to be men of God<\/a>.\u00a0 He seems a fun, kind, warm, strong, courageous man, just the kind we need.<\/p>\n

***********************<\/p>\n

Not all texts are so encouraging.\u00a0 Joel Schwartzberg, author of \u201cThe 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad\u201d<\/a>, shows us what we are up against in confronting the culture\u2019s diminished, weightless, narcissistic version of masculinity.\u00a0 Schwartzberg has published a version of this piece in the April 13 print version of Newsweek\u2013it\u2019s online here and is called \u201cSlouching Toward Fatherhood\u201d<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Having had my first child born not too long ago, I\u2019m well positioned to review the piece as the author reminisces about his experience as a first-time dad.\u00a0 Being a father or a mother for the first time is overwhelming, as most anyone can attest.\u00a0 Parenthood fundamentally reorients life and focus in a 180-degree direction.\u00a0 One no longer can focus on oneself; one now must focus on the child.<\/p>\n

Schwartzberg covers what this is like: <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cNearly every night of the first few weeks of my son\u2019s life, I\u2019d click him into the back seat of our minivan and drive him around until he fell asleep. Like so many babies lulled by the humming of tires on pavement, the kid conked out in 10 minutes, but I\u2019d continue on to the closest Dunkin\u2019 Donuts<\/a> with an all-night drive-thru window, nearly an hour away.<\/p>\n

My wife and I made this arrangement to allow her some precious sleep, but as I volunteered for chauffeur duty again and again\u2014each time coming home later and later\u2014we both knew there was more going on than her exhaustion and my craving for doughnuts.\u00a0 In the parking lot, I would pray my son would stay asleep and not set my already-frayed nerves on fire. I\u2019d cram those doughnuts into my mouth as if they were the last delicious things on earth.\u201d<\/p>\n

Soon, depression set in:<\/strong><\/p>\n

I fell into a well of depression so deep I wasn\u2019t even aware of it. It was only years later, after I spoke to a psychotherapist, that I learned I was experiencing male postpartum depression\u2026.This was not what I expected from fatherhood. I was 31 and thought I\u2019d slide into it easily. \u201cWhat\u2019s a little sleep deprivation?\u201d parents-to-be tell themselves. We got through college, after all. But not 48 hours after we returned home with our boy, a truth dawned on me with shocking force: my life was gone. Movies, sleeping, long showers\u2014all gone. We became slaves to this tiny new thing living in our home, and there was no going back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how his poor wife responded:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI ceded nearly complete authority to my wife, then blamed both her and my son for my feelings of loss and insignificance. I took on every parental responsibility with sucked-up reluctance on the outside and contempt on the inside. My wife seemed to consider me selfish and irresponsible. She was tired, she\u2019d say, of parenting both of us. Even when the bickering ended, the wounds never healed. Our marriage took a fatal hit.\u201d<\/p>\n

The author hit a breaking point:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cOne day, I sat on the hardwood floor next to my son, both of us exhausted. My son started crying. Then I did, too. Actually, we bawled. I don\u2019t know why he was crying, but I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it. As messy as it was, that shared sob was our first moment of bonding, and it helped steer me toward responsibility.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is where things are currently:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cEventually, my wife and I divorced, but our split actually enhanced my relationship with my kids. (We had twin girls after my son.) It forced me to locate my inner parent, the one who tells me when it\u2019s OK to let my son stay up late, when it\u2019s appropriate to be interrupted on the phone by a whining daughter and whether a tense situation calls for stern rules or just an all-out, friendly family wrestling match.\u201d<\/p>\n

The unbridled narcissism of this piece takes one\u2019s breath away like a tackle from a 300-pound linebacker.\u00a0 Those in search of the purest self-focus need look no longer.\u00a0 We have found it: 100% pure, undiluted selfishness.\u00a0 The perfect specimen of irresponsibility, childishness, and excuse-making.<\/p>\n

I understand, of course, what Schwartzberg means by this little article<\/a>.\u00a0 I commend him for his honesty, and I\u2019m quite aware that many who would not confess their immaturity this baldly nevertheless live by the same socially destructive creed.\u00a0 Children are tiring.\u00a0 They altogether change one\u2019s life.\u00a0 They make it very hard to have fun at times.\u00a0 There\u2019s truth to what the author says.<\/p>\n

But manhood as traditionally understood\u2013no, adulthood\u2013is all about maturity and responsibility.\u00a0 It is about sacrifice.\u00a0 It is about hard work.\u00a0 One need not be a Christian to see this.\u00a0 Adulthood, with men leading the way, is about exchanging a self-directed life for an others-directed one.\u00a0 It involves trading small, easy pleasures for hard but hugely rewarding ones.<\/p>\n

Schwartzberg and many others like him seem to have no concept of these basic facts.\u00a0 One pities his poor, suffering wife and his children.\u00a0 In the face of his \u201cdepression\u201d, they lose.\u00a0 He wins.\u00a0 He gets to move out and do whatever he wants, while his wife raises three children, cooks their meals, cleans the house, and does the million other things a mom has to do.\u00a0 Quite a bargain for our liberated author!<\/p>\n

Schwartzberg began a family, and he destroyed it.\u00a0 He is totally and completely to blame for this situation.\u00a0 It is all of his fault.\u00a0 Even apart from the Spirit, he is to be shamed for what he has done to his ex-wife and children.\u00a0 His actions are deplorable, and nothing can excuse them.<\/p>\n

Even as we tremble with anger at examples like his\u2013and they are legion today\u2013we are reminded to pray for him and countless other men.\u00a0 Schwartzberg does not have the Holy Spirit.\u00a0 He does not know Jesus Christ.\u00a0 He desperately needs to, as we all do.\u00a0 We must pray for the Lord to rescue our society and reverse the crisis of fatherless and male abdication of traditional roles.<\/p>\n

Above all, we must pray and work for the spread of the gospel so that sorrowful men like this one\u2013and like all of us sinners, whatever our chief transgression against God may be\u2013may find the only hope of the race: the gospel of Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Voddie Baucham\u2019s new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0 I would like to commend it to you. Baucham, pastor of Grace Family Baptist Church of Spring, TX, and author of Family-Driven Faith, a book I liked very much, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1217,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[13108,1247,13142,1253,1435,1704,13200,13219,2661,13306,3054],"class_list":["post-1552","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-crossway-books","tag-family-driven-faith","tag-fatherhood","tag-fathering","tag-grace-family-baptist-church","tag-joel-schwartzberg","tag-masculinity","tag-newsweek","tag-slouching-toward-fatherhood","tag-voddie-baucham","tag-what-he-must-be"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Thought Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/files\/2009\/04\/baucham.png?w=300\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Owen Strachan\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Owen Strachan\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/\",\"name\":\"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/75c661f536302cda0daa8b7615fd8e53\"},\"description\":\"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/\",\"name\":\"Thought Life\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/75c661f536302cda0daa8b7615fd8e53\",\"name\":\"Owen Strachan\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2dbab262f37be4cfe0660ee979173e8f?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2dbab262f37be4cfe0660ee979173e8f?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Owen Strachan\"},\"sameAs\":[\"brandygrenier\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/author\/ostrachan\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not","description":"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not","og_description":"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/","og_site_name":"Thought Life","article_published_time":"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/files\/2009\/04\/baucham.png?w=300"}],"author":"Owen Strachan","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Owen Strachan","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/","name":"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#website"},"datePublished":"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00","dateModified":"2009-04-20T22:27:25+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/75c661f536302cda0daa8b7615fd8e53"},"description":"Voddie Baucham's new What He Must Be (Crossway, 2009) is a sound, pastoral, fatherly look at what boys must become to be leaders, husbands, and fathers.\u00a0","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/2009\/04\/what-men-should-be-and-what-they-often-are-not\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"What Men Should Be, and What They Often Are Not"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/","name":"Thought Life","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/75c661f536302cda0daa8b7615fd8e53","name":"Owen Strachan","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2dbab262f37be4cfe0660ee979173e8f?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/2dbab262f37be4cfe0660ee979173e8f?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Owen Strachan"},"sameAs":["brandygrenier"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/author\/ostrachan\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1552","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1217"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1552"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1552\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1552"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1552"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/thoughtlife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1552"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}