{"id":10589,"date":"2014-11-11T13:43:38","date_gmt":"2014-11-11T18:43:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=10589"},"modified":"2014-11-11T13:43:38","modified_gmt":"2014-11-11T18:43:38","slug":"falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html","title":{"rendered":"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"under<\/a><\/p>\n

There\u2019s an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert Levenson (the \u201cLove Lab\u201d researchers<\/a>) were looking for the smallest kind of observational data that let them (fairly) reliably distinguish good relationships from bad. \u00a0Here\u2019s what they found had the most power to predict the success of a marriage over its first six years<\/a>:<\/p>\n

Throughout the day, artners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls \u201cbids.\u201d For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, \u201cLook at that beautiful bird outside!\u201d He\u2019s not just commenting on the bird here: he\u2019s requesting a response from his wife \u2014 a sign of interest or support \u2014 hoping they\u2019ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.<\/p>\n

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either \u201cturning toward\u201d or \u201cturning away\u201d from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.<\/p>\n

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn\u2019t \u2014 those who turned away \u2014 would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, \u201cStop interrupting me, I\u2019m reading.\u201d<\/p>\n

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had \u201cturn-toward bids\u201d 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had \u201cturn-toward bids\u201d 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner\u2019s emotional needs.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I didn\u2019t read the methodology, so I don\u2019t want to comment on the validity of the experimental design. \u00a0But I did think, reading it, that it seemed fairly intuitive that \u201cturn-toward bids\u201d is a good disposition to cultivate, in marriage and elsewhere. \u00a0Making it easy for your partner to share delight amplifies delight (and helps you to know them better, by having their loves arrayed before you).<\/p>\n

I make a lot of bids in a relationship. \u00a0Both the boyfriends I\u2019ve had tended to get (and sometimes still\u00a0<\/em>get)\u00a0a lot of emails\/fb posts\/etc from me of articles, pictures, etc that I thought they would enjoy or that I simply enjoyed too much to keep to myself. \u00a0And that tendency isn\u2019t limited to romantic relationships \u2014 my parents get a lot of links from me (the most recent being this<\/a> \u2014 they\u2019re history teachers) and I like to be a clipping service for some of my friends.<\/p>\n

Even before receiving the \u201cturn-toward\u201d response to a bid, simply being on the lookout for things to share makes the whole world more wonderful to my sight. \u00a0I have the expectation that the things I encounter often\u00a0belong with<\/em> someone and that it\u2019s a pleasure to be an intellectual yenta and make the connection. \u00a0It\u2019s even more delightful to be able to unite over a shared interest or to have my attention drawn to some topic\u2019s beauty because I brought it to the attention of someone who loves it and then they went on to gush in my presence.<\/p>\n

Last night, I was attending a Christopolis talk by\u00a0Sr. Anna Wray, OP, of the Nashville Dominicans, who gave us a beautiful meditation of gratitude, and ways to welcome gifts. \u00a0Sharing a relationship (whether marital or otherwise) where you are constantly alive to the gifts the world offers to your beloved seems like it would stoke our sensitivity to gifts and gratitude generally.<\/p>\n

The partners frequently passing back and forth \u201cDid you read?\u201d \u201cDid you see?\u201d \u00a0(in the sense of \u201cWere you struck by?\u201d \u201cDid you delight in?\u201d, not the competitiveness of this Portlandia sketch<\/a>) are changing their default approach to the world. \u00a0They\u00a0expect<\/em> to find wonder and beauty, and for its enchantedness to be both good in itself but also a way of saying \u201cI love you\u201d to a partner, and, perhaps, of hearing those same three words from God.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert Levenson (the \u201cLove Lab\u201d researchers) were looking for the smallest kind of observational data that let them (fairly) reliably distinguish good relationships from bad. \u00a0Here\u2019s what they found had the most power […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":10590,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196],"tags":[162],"class_list":["post-10589","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-2","tag-accepting-gifts"],"yoast_head":"\nFalling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Unequally Yoked\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/84\/2014\/11\/under-poarch.gif\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"475\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"281\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/gif\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Leah Libresco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Leah Libresco\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html\",\"name\":\"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464\"},\"description\":\"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/\",\"name\":\"Unequally Yoked\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464\",\"name\":\"Leah Libresco\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"caption\":\"Leah Libresco\"},\"description\":\"Leah is the author of Arriving at Amen and Building the Benedict Option. Her further writing can be found at leahlibresco.com.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/author\/leahlibresco\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved","description":"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved","og_description":"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html","og_site_name":"Unequally Yoked","article_published_time":"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00","og_image":[{"width":475,"height":281,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/84\/2014\/11\/under-poarch.gif","type":"image\/gif"}],"author":"Leah Libresco","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Leah Libresco","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html","name":"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00","dateModified":"2014-11-11T18:43:38+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464"},"description":"There's an interesting piece of research going around on what makes relationships grow and deepen (versus fracture and wound). \u00a0John Gottman and Robert","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/11\/falling-in-love-with-the-world-through-the-eyes-of-the-beloved.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Falling in Love with the World through the Eyes of the Beloved"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/","name":"Unequally Yoked","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464","name":"Leah Libresco","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r","caption":"Leah Libresco"},"description":"Leah is the author of Arriving at Amen and Building the Benedict Option. Her further writing can be found at leahlibresco.com.","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/author\/leahlibresco"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10589","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/127"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10589"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10589\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10590"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10589"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10589"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10589"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}