{"id":11170,"date":"2015-02-26T16:56:37","date_gmt":"2015-02-26T21:56:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=11170"},"modified":"2015-02-26T16:56:37","modified_gmt":"2015-02-26T21:56:37","slug":"cant-i-love-you-into-being-happy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/cant-i-love-you-into-being-happy.html","title":{"rendered":"Can&#8217;t I Love You Into Being Happy?"},"content":{"rendered":"<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC \"-\/\/W3C\/\/DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional\/\/EN\" \"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/TR\/REC-html40\/loose.dtd\">\n<html><head><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><\/head><body><p>When Ellery Weil guest posted yesterday on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/the-story-of-shmuel-and-tailoring-support-guest-post.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><em>The Last 5 Years<\/em> and the demanding kind of support that Jamie offers Cathy<\/a>, I realized that Jaime could have benefited from internalizing a meme I\u2019ve seen floating around on tumblr.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/golbatsforequality.tumblr.com\/post\/110923856537\/neuroqueer-nidoqueen-you-are-not-the-miracle\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Golbats for Equality<\/a>\u00a0spun up a quote from Nidoqueen into this image:<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_11171\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-11171\" style=\"width: 297px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/84\/2015\/02\/depression.jpg\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\" wp-image-11171\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/84\/2015\/02\/depression.jpg\" alt=\"Image source: Golbats for Equality\" width=\"297\" height=\"303\"><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-11171\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Image source: <a href=\"http:\/\/golbatsforequality.tumblr.com\/post\/110923856537\/neuroqueer-nidoqueen-you-are-not-the-miracle\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Golbats for Equality<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>In the musical, Jaime doesn\u2019t know how to coexist with Cathy\u2019s misery and exhaustion. \u00a0He\u00a0<em>does\u00a0<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/no-villains-just-inept-lovers-in-the-last-5-years.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">try to help, in good faith,<\/a>\u00a0but I think Ellery is right that Jaime needs to feel like his help is\u00a0<em>working<\/em>, immediately, in order to be confident in himself and in Cathy. \u00a0When he was writing his \u201cShmuel\u201d parable, and imagining how it would go, he imagined himself in the role of the magic clock \u2014 he would tell Cathy that she gets to be happy, and, after a little initial reluctance, she\u2019d become so.<\/p>\n<p>After reading Ellery\u2019s comments, Jamie reminds me a little of the husband in\u00a0<em>Next to Normal<\/em>. \u00a0In that show, the character\u2019s partner is facing a much more debilitating problem (bipolar disorder), but her partner is similarly stymied by his inability to\u00a0<em>help<\/em>. \u00a0I like <a href=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=9QXX_ggsrio&amp;t=5m1s\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">\u201cI\u2019ve Been\u201d<\/a> enormously, in which he is exhausted but still committed, but the closest parallel to Jamie\u2019s strained helpfulness is probably \u201cIt\u2019s Gonna Be Good\u201d<\/p>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"It&#039;s Gonna Be Good - Next to Normal\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/4Ql2U6pagNc?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<p>So what would it look like to do <em>better<\/em> than the lovers in\u00a0<em>The Last 5 Years<\/em> and\u00a0<em>Next to Normal<\/em>? \u00a0I think there are some good ideas in a recent post by Eve Tushnet, when she talks about ways to address suffering that can\u2019t be solved on your schedule. \u00a0I\u2019m excerpting it below, but the whole post (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2015\/02\/marriage-as-work-vs-marriage-as-the-cross.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cMarriage as Work vs Marriage as the Cross\u201d<\/a>) is well worth reading (and it has the caveats you\u2019re looking for, about when to give up on a relationship):<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>Losing this vocabulary of patience and taking up one\u2019s cross has a few negative effects on us. First, if the only response to difficulties in marriage is \u201cwork harder,\u201d we judge ourselves and others when our\/their hard work doesn\u2019t pay off. We expect payment for work done, and when our spouse doesn\u2019t change, it\u2019s natural to feel resentment. In the metaphor of \u201cmarriage as work\u201d there\u2019s no place for that resentment to go, no way to dissolve it:\u00a0<em>When will you pay me, say the bells of Old Bailey?\u00a0<\/em>The metaphor focuses our attention on the work we\u2019re doing and what we\u2019re owed for it.<\/p>\n<p>Or, if other people\u2019s marriages manifestly aren\u2019t improving, we judge them (or give them the kind of advice which feels like judgment, it\u2019s not like I\u2019m innocent here) and tell them to work harder or work smarter.<\/p>\n<p>We keep pretending that we live in these meritocratic systems: the\u00a0<a class=\"ext-link decorated-link\" title=\"\" href=\"http:\/\/www.theamericanconservative.com\/broke-and-alone-coming-up-short\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-wpel-target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\">financial<\/a>\u00a0meritocracy, of course, but also the meritocracy of\u00a0<a class=\"ext-link decorated-link\" title=\"\" href=\"http:\/\/www.theamericanconservative.com\/articles\/americas-imperial-mental-illness\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-wpel-target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\">mental health<\/a>; and the meritocracy of marriage. But not everything can be earned or fixed. It\u2019s \u201c<a class=\"ext-link decorated-link\" title=\"\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=PE6QXWFL6jY\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-wpel-target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\">Earth has no sorrow that\u00a0<em>Heaven<\/em>\u00a0can\u2019t heal,<\/a>\u201d not \u201cEarth has no sorrow that sincere effort and good advice can\u2019t heal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/evetushnet\/2015\/02\/marriage-as-work-vs-marriage-as-the-cross.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"><em>Read more at Eve\u2019s blog\u2026<\/em><\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>Eve talks about how to seek sublimity in sorrow, so that someone like Jamie could acknowledge his own powerlessness to make Cathy happy or confident without feeling like that meant he had failed as a husband or that he couldn\u2019t support or be supported by Cathy, as long as this pain persisted. \u00a0In Eve\u2019s understanding, sometimes the patience engendered by this approach allows problems (including one partner\u2019s fear of the other one\u2019s problems) to solve themselves or give both people space to later notice a different, better way to help. \u00a0In some cases, though\u00a0<em>no<\/em> resolution is forthcoming, and then the sublimation that Eve discusses isn\u2019t a means to an end, but an end in itself, where partners learn to coexist with the trouble in a way where small choices and sacrifices are acts of love, if not as Hallmark-looking as dramatic boombox lofting.<\/p>\n<p>I think people are better at adopting the framework Eve discusses for troubles we categorize as\u00a0<em>entirely<\/em> outside of our locus of control, things like terminal or chronic diseases\u2013It would be bizarre for Jamie to see the failure of his story to cure a hypothetical tumor as a failure of his love, but there\u2019s still <a href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/0312658850\/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0312658850&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=unequyoked-20&amp;linkId=RPZLBLKP7WPKEK2H\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">a lot of \u201cput the work in to\u00a0<em>beat<\/em> disease\u201d rhetoric around<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>The secularized version of Eve\u2019s advice might be reminding partners that they have the option of providing palliative care. \u00a0In Jamie\u2019s case, that might mean realizing that he has ways to be kind to Cathy that\u00a0<em>aren\u2019t<\/em> directed at any long-term change in her mindset or their relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Here, he might be\u00a0<em>happy<\/em> to tell her that he\u2019s ok with her skipping one of his book talks, because it gives him the opportunity to improve\u00a0<em>tonight<\/em> for her, even if it has no bearing on\u00a0<em>tomorrow<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><em style=\"color: #000000;\">Don\u2019t forget,\u00a0<\/em><a class=\"ext-link decorated-link\" style=\"color: #0066cc;\" title=\"\" href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/B00TJZ1NPI\/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=B00TJZ1NPI&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=unequyoked-20&amp;linkId=23QTCQ3M5KX7LYJT\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-wpel-target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\">The Last 5 Years\u00a0<\/a><em style=\"color: #000000;\"><a class=\"ext-link decorated-link\" style=\"color: #0066cc;\" title=\"\" href=\"http:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/B00TJZ1NPI\/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=B00TJZ1NPI&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=unequyoked-20&amp;linkId=23QTCQ3M5KX7LYJT\" rel=\"nofollow\" data-wpel-target=\"_blank\" target=\"_blank\">is available to rent or stream<\/a>, so you, too, can enjoy it and then send me a guest post. \u00a0My previous posts on the movie are\u00a0<a style=\"color: #0066cc;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/no-villains-just-inept-lovers-in-the-last-5-years.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cNo\u00a0Villains, Just Inept Lovers\u00a0in\u00a0<\/a><\/em><a style=\"color: #0066cc;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/no-villains-just-inept-lovers-in-the-last-5-years.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">The Last 5 Years<\/a><em style=\"color: #000000;\"><a style=\"color: #0066cc;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/no-villains-just-inept-lovers-in-the-last-5-years.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">\u201c<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0<a style=\"color: #0066cc;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/asking-a-lover-for-too-limited-support.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cAsking a Lover for Too Limited Support\u201d<\/a>\u00a0And Ellery Weil contributed <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/02\/the-story-of-shmuel-and-tailoring-support-guest-post.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cThe Story of Shmuel and Tailoring Support.\u201d<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When Ellery Weil guest posted yesterday on\u00a0The Last 5 Years and the demanding kind of support that Jamie offers Cathy, I realized that Jaime could have benefited from internalizing a meme I\u2019ve seen floating around on tumblr. Golbats for Equality\u00a0spun up a quote from Nidoqueen into this image: In the musical, Jaime doesn\u2019t know how [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":11171,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Can&#039;t I Love You Into Being Happy?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When Ellery Weil guest posted yesterday on\u00a0The Last 5 Years and the demanding kind of support that Jamie offers Cathy, I realized that Jaime could have\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link 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