{"id":11730,"date":"2015-09-22T15:22:32","date_gmt":"2015-09-22T19:22:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=11730"},"modified":"2015-09-22T15:22:32","modified_gmt":"2015-09-22T19:22:32","slug":"ridiculously-over-engineered-approaches-to-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/09\/ridiculously-over-engineered-approaches-to-empathy.html","title":{"rendered":"Ridiculously Over-Engineered Approaches To Empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

When I was complaining about a plane delay on facebook, a friend of mine generously bought me a kindle copy of Margaret Drabble\u2019s\u00a0The Millstone<\/em><\/a>, and told me that I might particularly enjoy it as a recovering Stoic and Kantian. \u00a0She was right.<\/p>\n

I also liked how much it reminded me of Ben Hoffman\u2019s recent post on \u201cWerewolf Feelings\u201d but let\u2019s address Drabble first. \u00a0Here\u2019s a scene where the protagonist carefully doesn\u2019t overreach with a lover.<\/p>\n

And even then, at that moment, I did not have the courage to ask him where he lived, or to ask him what his phone number was, for it would have seemed an intrusion, an assumption that I had a right to know, that a future existed where it would b<\/span><\/span>e of use to know. I see, oh yes, I see that my diffidence, my desire not to offend looks like enough to coldness, looks like enough to indifference, and perhaps I mean it to, but this is not what it feels like in my head. But I cannot get out and say, Where do you live, give me your number, ring me, can I ring you? In case I am not wanted. In case I am tedious. So I let him go, without a word about any other meeting, though he was the one thing I wanted to keep.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Meanwhile, in \u201cWerewolf Feelings\u201d<\/a> (which you should read through to understand the title; it\u2019s clever, but too long to excerpt):<\/p>\n

\n

The story of the werewolf reflects the moral premise or attitude that expressing a need is a form of moral coercion. By this model, other people are fragile, don\u2019t know how to take care of themselves, are helplessly drawn towards your need as soon as you reveal it, and will burn themselves to ashes trying to care for you. And the ones who aren\u2019t like that? Well, they know enough not to help you, they don\u2019t want to help you, you\u2019ll just make them feel awkward and maybe a little guilty.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t entirely true \u2013 people are perfectly capable of having boundaries and prioritizing the things that are important to them. It\u2019s not a secret that 150,000 people die every day, and yet most people in the developed world don\u2019t burn themselves out helping. Not even the ones who decide to do something about it. (There are, of course,\u00a0exceptions<\/a>.) But it isn\u2019t entirely false \u2013 empathy is often involuntary. If someone is currently in an emotionally precarious state, that\u2019s generally not the best time to show them how much they hurt you. If someone is feeling overwhelmed with life, that may not be the best time to tell them what you need from them. (There are, of course,\u00a0exceptions<\/a>\u00a0here too.)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

In this model, and in the protagonist\u2019s of\u00a0The Millstone<\/em>, it\u2019s hard to express a preference, a feeling, or a wish that doesn\u2019t wind up sounding like a demand. \u00a0Ben doesn\u2019t come up with an easy solution to balance one\u2019s own needs and wants with the feelings of others, but he does invent some language that might make it easier to talk about the problem.<\/p>\n

\"werewolf\"<\/a>
(wikimedia comons<\/a>)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019m a giant nerd, so I\u2019m tempted to work on this problem by stealing from the protocols of researchers who have to ask survey participants about touchy subjects (drugs, crime, etc). \u00a0When a researcher asks something like \u201cHave you ever shoplifted?\u201d they add an extra instruction for the survey taker. \u00a0The participant is supposed to flip a coin and, if it comes up heads, answer \u201cYes\u201d no matter what. \u00a0If it comes up tails, they answer truthfully. \u00a0That way, any particular \u201cYes\u201d is deniable, but the researchers still can know the true prevalence of the crime (2 * [% \u201cYes\u201d \u2013 50]).<\/p>\n

So, if I wanted it to be easier for someone to give a deniable \u201cNo\u201d to a wish of mine like \u201cI wish I were sometimes met at the airport after a trip\u201d I\u2019d need a way for involuntary \u201cNos\u201d to happen. \u00a0My best idea is to send my requests by, what for lack of a better word, I could call Werewolf Post. \u00a0Half the time, the werewolves (or the program aping them) would eat the message and it would never reach the recipient. \u00a0When an ask made it through, it would include a note that mentioned that half of asks\u00a0don\u2019t<\/em>, and if the person doesn\u2019t feel like doing the thing I asked, I won\u2019t know if it was a refusal or just that the message got eaten.<\/p>\n

The resolution in\u00a0The Millstone<\/em><\/a> is a little less calculating and a little more\u00a0caritas<\/em>-y. \u00a0When others depend on us, our own needs are a little more important:<\/p>\n

As a child, I used to endure any discomfort rather than cause offense. I would eat things I loathed, freeze to death in underheated sitting rooms, roast under hair dryers, drink in cafes from chipped and filthy cups, rather than offen<\/span><\/span>d hosts, waitresses, hairdressers. To me, the pain of causing trouble was greater than anything that myself within myself could endure. But as I grow older, I find myself changing a little. Partly it is because, with Octavia, I cannot inflict all hardship on myself alone: what I take for myself, she gets too.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The more that a life involves others, the more it is impossible to be tempted to take self-denial too far, because it can never be solely\u00a0self<\/em>-denial.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I was complaining about a plane delay on facebook, a friend of mine generously bought me a kindle copy of Margaret Drabble\u2019s\u00a0The Millstone, and told me that I might particularly enjoy it as a recovering Stoic and Kantian. \u00a0She was right. I also liked how much it reminded me of Ben Hoffman\u2019s recent post […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":11732,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[48],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-morality-in-practice"],"yoast_head":"\nRidiculously Over-Engineered Approaches To Empathy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When I was complaining about a plane delay on facebook, a friend of mine generously bought me a kindle copy of Margaret Drabble's\u00a0The Millstone, and told\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2015\/09\/ridiculously-over-engineered-approaches-to-empathy.html\" \/>\n<meta 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