threat<\/em> is more difficult for guys.<\/p>\nBut that problem is muted if you\u2019re already on the path to developing the kind of deep friendships that Matt and Esolen are trying to defend. So they\u2019re really concerned about ambiguous sexual tension. If I exuberantly grab someone\u2019s hand and do a few swing dance turns, my friend may not be able to share as wholeheartedly in my excitement because a part of zer is concerned I may be hitting on zer, and ze doesn\u2019t want to send be the wrong signals. It\u2019s not an idle concern; I\u2019ve found myself in that situation, and I\u2019m sure many of the readers have, too. Here are the two main ways I deal with it:<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.iywib.com\/friend_zone6.jpg\" "\\"friendzone\\"")
<\/p>\n
The \u2018friendzone\u2019 works<\/strong><\/p>\nThe longer you spend around someone without making sexual advances or things that look like sexual advances, the less likely it is that whatever you\u2019re doing now will be interpreted as a come-on. It\u2019s just good Bayesian updating on priors. That means this scourge of nice-guys-in-romcoms is your ally when it comes to developing deep friendships. It takes time for this effect to kick in, but it takes time to develop a deep friendship, too, so that\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/static.tumblr.com\/quozwui\/Xtrlo8c17\/whose-line-1.jpg\" "\\"Whose")
<\/p>\n
Improv comedy is a good model for targeted flirting<\/strong><\/p>\nIn improv, the first rule is \u201cYes, and.\u201d A scene can\u2019t go anywhere unless you and your partner keep building on what the other person has done. So if someone says to you in a scene, \u201cYou\u2019re late!\u201d you can\u2019t just say, \u201cYes\u201d because then the scene stops. You have to say \u201cYes, and I was stuck behind a circus parade the whole way!\u201d Now the other person has something to respond to.<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re flirting with someone, you can match whatever level of physical intimacy you have and then amplify slightly. If both people are using this strategy, it\u2019s a feedback loop if they\u2019re both trying to flirt. If the other person doesn\u2019t \u201cyes, and\u201d your advance or asks you to tone it down, return to the previous level of engagement.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/gslis.simmons.edu\/henty\/dance.jpg\" "\\"Dance")
<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s make everything more scripted!<\/strong><\/p>\nFine, I know no one but me likes this one, but if you\u2019re bothered by ambiguity, why not make asking people out a lot more explicit? Take someone dancing, ask them out on dates, pass them a note in study hall, filter your message through three mutual friends, so no one has to deal with the awkwardness of a face to face rejection. If you\u2019re known for being direct, people know that other physical intimacies don\u2019t denote sexual attraction.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
All of these solutions take effort, but they\u2019re hardly a crippling burden. \u00a0Matt is right that out gay people change some dynamics of friendships, but only modest adjustments are required to preserve the best parts of the old ways.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
This post is part of\u00a0a debate on gay marriage<\/a>. \u00a0I\u2019m responding to\u00a0Matt\u2019s post on gay marriage and deep friendship<\/a>, and this is the last part of my three-part rebuttal.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"This post is part of\u00a0a debate on gay marriage. \u00a0I\u2019m responding to\u00a0Matt\u2019s post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my three-part rebuttal. Matt and Esolen\u2019s idea that sexual tension poisons relationships has pretty high stakes for me. As a bi girl, I am technically never not around people […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196],"tags":[74,11],"class_list":["post-1831","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage-2","tag-anthony-esolen-yale","tag-lgbt"],"yoast_head":"\n
Leah's Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This post is part of\u00a0a debate on gay marriage. \u00a0I'm responding to\u00a0Matt's post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Leah's Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This post is part of\u00a0a debate on gay marriage. \u00a0I'm responding to\u00a0Matt's post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Unequally Yoked\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-02-09T19:50:10+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-12-04T19:34:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.actlikeaman.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/holding-hands.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Leah Libresco\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Leah Libresco\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html\",\"name\":\"Leah's Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-02-09T19:50:10+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-12-04T19:34:46+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464\"},\"description\":\"This post is part of\u00a0a debate on gay marriage. \u00a0I'm responding to\u00a0Matt's post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/leahs-handy-guide-to-not-letting-eros-destroy-philia.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Leah’s Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/\",\"name\":\"Unequally Yoked\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/17ee17592b35b40040d5f5f7ea5ab464\",\"name\":\"Leah Libresco\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/20e1e6a3a94c4e7928687804a41d888d?s=96&d=mm&r=r\",\"caption\":\"Leah Libresco\"},\"description\":\"Leah is the author of Arriving at Amen and Building the Benedict Option. 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![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.actlikeaman.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/02\/holding-hands.jpg\" "\\"holding")
<\/p>\n