{"id":1868,"date":"2012-02-14T12:26:39","date_gmt":"2012-02-14T17:26:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=1868"},"modified":"2012-12-04T14:39:35","modified_gmt":"2012-12-04T19:39:35","slug":"whaddya-wanna-get-married-for","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/whaddya-wanna-get-married-for.html","title":{"rendered":"Whaddya Wanna Get Married For?"},"content":{"rendered":"<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC \"-\/\/W3C\/\/DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional\/\/EN\" \"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/TR\/REC-html40\/loose.dtd\">\n<html><head><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><\/head><body><p><em style=\"line-height: 24px; border-width: initial; border-color: initial;\">Sorry this is late, but what could be better on Valentine\u2019s Day than pouring kerosene on a fight about marriage? <\/em><em>This post is<a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/debating-gay-marriage-index-post.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\"> part of a debate on gay marriage<\/a>. \u00a0In the last installment, my friend Matt argued that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/02\/divorce-and-the-doctrine-of-individualism.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">endorsing gay marriage means endorsing the foundations of divorce culture<\/a>. \u00a0So now it\u2019s my turn to be prescriptive about marriage. \u00a0To start with a recap of what kind of marriage Matt opposed, let\u2019s go to the videotape (John Barrowman in <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Company_(musical)\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Company<\/a>):<\/em><\/p>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"John Barrowman sings Marry Me a Little\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/hrfk8weTWTM?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">\n<\/p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>We\u2019ll look not too deep,<br>\nWe\u2019ll go not too far.<br>\nWe won\u2019t have to give up a thing,<br>\nWe\u2019ll stay who we are.<br>\nRight?<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em> We\u2019ll build a cocoon<br>\nOf love and respect.<br>\nYou promise whatever you like,<br>\nI\u2019ll never collect.<br>\n<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Before I narrow down my argument to focus on <em>gay<\/em> marriage, I want to say a little about why people enter into marriages in the first place. \u00a0One much talked about facet of marriage is the <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">over 1000 rights and privileges\u00a0allotted\u00a0to married people<\/a> by the government. \u00a0This is the visiting each other in the hospital, joint custody of children, use of pension kinda stuff. All of which is important (and much of which, in a perfect world, you would be able to share with people just by private contract).<\/p>\n<figure style=\"width: 360px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" title=\"Olaf wedding\" src=\"https:\/\/content6.flixster.com\/question\/68\/05\/23\/6805232_std.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"241\"><figcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">By *voluntary* private contract, Count Olaf!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>But all of these rights and laws exist for a reason beyond our desire to be able to order our own affairs in some libertarian way. \u00a0They exist because the law is trying to make adjustments for the fact that some non-blood relative is now your <em>family<\/em>. \u00a0In fact, all the legal protections and ties people like me agitate for make it very hard to disentangle yourself from this person, even if the emotional bond is gone. \u00a0So why would you choose to let yoke yourself so tightly to someone else?<\/p>\n<p>It has to be something more than present pleasure, or even an expectation of pleasure in the future. \u00a0Marriage puts a major constraint on your future self. \u00a0You\u2019ve entangled your finances, your feelings, your friends, and possibly children. \u00a0Usually, when I try and limit my options in the future, I don\u2019t do it just because I happen to particularly like the options\u00a0currently\u00a0on the table, I do it because I\u2019m trying to stack the cards in favor of character development.<\/p>\n<p>In the most mundane example, a student might have a friend change their facebook password during exam week, so she won\u2019t be tempted to procrastinate. \u00a0The student limits her choices for her own good and trusts her friend to side with her past self, even if her present self begs for just five minutes on the site.<\/p>\n<p>So what kind of partner do you want, if s\/he\u2019s going to be the major, constant constraint on your character for the\u00a0foreseeable\u00a0future? \u00a0It\u2019s not enough that s\/he makes you <em>happy<\/em>, s\/he needs to make you <em>good<\/em>. \u00a0And vice versa. \u00a0So good conversation and good physical chemistry aren\u2019t enough; on top of that you want someone who makes it feel easy and natural to be the person you ought to be.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" title=\"gay marriage kiss\" src=\"https:\/\/latimesblogs.latimes.com\/.a\/6a00d8341c630a53ef0128755f8089970c-450wi\" alt=\"\" width=\"415\" height=\"273\"><\/p>\n<p>And if you\u2019ve gotten that right, you don\u2019t want to let future you weasel out of the plan you\u2019ve made. \u00a0Just like the girl giving up facebook, you want to be sure that past you\u2019s decision is going to stay binding on future you. \u00a0Divorce or separation shouldn\u2019t be impossible (it\u2019s possible you seriously miscalculated), but it should be a very costly and slow-moving option.<\/p>\n<p>Not all of these ideas are baked into secular marriage the way they\u2019re embedded in sacramental marriage, but they\u2019re not incompatible with most worldviews. \u00a0Because atheism is just a negation of one class of metaphysics, it doesn\u2019t preclude signing on to this idea of marriage. \u00a0Of course, it doesn\u2019t preclude signing on the\u00a0impoverished\u00a0idea of marriage that Matt was railing against and John Barrowman\u2019s character so perfectly illustrates at the beginning of this post, either.<\/p>\n<p>Marriage isn\u2019t under attack, but it is in flux. \u00a0It wasn\u2019t so long ago that gay marriage was <em>opposed<\/em> by a lot of people in the gay rights movement because <a href=\"http:\/\/www.salon.com\/2011\/06\/28\/gay_marriage_23\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">they didn\u2019t see any reason to cleave to the traditions of heterosexuals<\/a>. \u00a0Plenty of my straight secular friends aren\u2019t sold on traditional, for life at least, marriage, either. \u00a0The old ways have lost their authority with us, since they\u2019ve had a terrible track record on most questions to do with gender. \u00a0Luckily, a marriage that goes beyond mere gratification and contentment <em>can<\/em> be pitched on it\u2019s merits.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" title=\"gay men wedding rings\" src=\"https:\/\/img.timeinc.net\/time\/daily\/2008\/0811\/gay_marriage_1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"426\" height=\"239\"><\/p>\n<p>To sell us on sacramental marriage, Matt would have to make us all Catholics, and gay marriage may very well be impossible inside that framework. \u00a0But if his goal is to stand athwart mainstream divorce culture yelling <em>STOP!<\/em> he should stand with most of me and endorse gay marriage in the model I\u2019ve outlined. \u00a0He\u2019s welcome to join me in going even further and recommending people consider <a href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2011\/01\/covenant-marriage-index.html\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\">gay covenant marriage<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sorry this is late, but what could be better on Valentine\u2019s Day than pouring kerosene on a fight about marriage? This post is part of a debate on gay marriage. \u00a0In the last installment, my friend Matt argued that endorsing gay marriage means endorsing the foundations of divorce culture. \u00a0So now it\u2019s my turn to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196,48],"tags":[74,15,39,11],"class_list":["post-1868","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage-2","category-morality-in-practice","tag-anthony-esolen-yale","tag-covenant-marriage","tag-freedom-means-choosing-a-master","tag-lgbt"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Whaddya Wanna Get Married For?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sorry this is late, but what could be better on Valentine&#039;s Day than pouring kerosene on a fight about marriage? 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