\nBut it was hard to ignore their easy rapport. They got each other\u2019s jokes and finished each other\u2019s sentences. They shared a similar rhythm in the way they talked and moved. The very things one hopes to find in another person, but not when you\u2019re married to someone else.<\/p>\n
Ms. Riddell said she remembered crying in the shower, asking: \u201cWhy am I being punished? Why did someone throw him in my path when I can\u2019t have him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2026As Mr. Partilla saw it, their options were either to act on their feelings and break up their marriages or to deny their feelings and live dishonestly. \u201cPain or more pain,\u201d was how he summarized it\u2026<\/p>\n
All they had were their feelings, which Ms. Riddell described as \u201cunconditional and all-encompassing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI came to realize it\u00a0wasn\u2019t\u00a0a punishment, it was a gift,\u201d she said. \u201cBut I had to earn it. Were we brave enough to hold hands and jump?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Like most of the people who read who read the profile, I disapproved. \u00a0If you read the full article, you\u2019ll notice that neither one of the remarried spouses complains of any problems in their first marriage. \u00a0There\u2019s no mention of neglect or abuse, they don\u2019t even claim they dislike their first spouses. \u00a0They just like the new ones better<\/em>.<\/p>\nMy freshman sociology professor would call these two \u201cdaters and raters.\u201d \u00a0 When in a relationship, they compare all other possible relationships to their current one on an essentially even playing field. \u00a0The person they\u2019re with is not judged to be worth more if the current squeeze doesn\u2019t make them happier<\/em> than a new person would. \u00a0It\u2019s a surprisingly common mindset, especially given how ridiculous it looks in practice.<\/p>\nI knew a boy who, whenever he expressed admiration for another girl\u2019s looks, would turn guiltily to his girlfriend and quickly add something like \u201cbut not as pretty as you.\u201d \u00a0I always thought this was ridiculous. \u00a0Presumably he wasn\u2019t dating his girlfriend on the grounds that she was the single most attractive person in the world. \u00a0If he ran into a girl he thought was prettier, he wouldn\u2019t have broken up with his girlfriend.<\/p>\n
Relationships (especially marriage) do not endure because your partner is the absolutely ideal<\/em> person for you to be with. \u00a0I don\u2019t believe in soulmates; I don\u2019t believe in having one person on Earth I am \u2018meant for.\u2019 \u00a0A good relationship satisfies the goal of marriage (which I am going to discuss in more detail in the next few posts), but it is not the pursuit of the optomization of one\u2019s partner.<\/p>\nIn the brouhaha that followed the piece, I was surprised at how many complaints were coming from people on my side of the aisle. \u00a0When I have fights with some of my liberal friends about marriage, they tend to defend a very individual-focused idea of marriage. \u00a0The purpose of marriage is to promote happiness and satisfaction. \u00a0If someone no longer makes you happy or as happy as you could be with someone else, the marriage should be terminated, they tell me. \u00a0To my mind, that\u2019s exactly the principle the NYT <\/em>couple was following.<\/p>\nI\u2019d be curious to know if my anti-marriage, pro-autonomy friends were bothered by the decisions of the couple linked above. \u00a0I don\u2019t see how a relationship founded on \u2018dater and rater\u2019 ideas can ever be stable or satisfying. \u00a0Over the next few days, I\u2019ll be talking about the values that seem to promote stable, beneficial relationships.<\/p>\n
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