{"id":6354,"date":"2012-12-21T01:09:48","date_gmt":"2012-12-21T06:09:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=6354"},"modified":"2012-12-21T01:09:48","modified_gmt":"2012-12-21T06:09:48","slug":"7-christmas-traditions-122112","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/12\/7-christmas-traditions-122112.html","title":{"rendered":"7 Christmas Traditions (12\/21\/12)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/a>\u2014 1 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

Since the next Quick Takes will take place after Christmas, I thought it would be a nice time to share some holiday traditions from my family and some from elsewhere. \u00a0For example, this tradition was found by a friend of mine who was reading David Graeber\u2019s Fragments of an Anarchist Anthropology<\/em><\/p>\n

Residents of the squatter community of Christiana, Denmark have a Christmastide ritual where they dress in Santa suits, take toys from department stores and distribute them to children on the street, just so everyone can relish the images of the cops beating down Santa and snatching the toys back from crying children.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/a>\u2014 2 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

And in fact, violent beatings involving Santa Claus are a part of my own family\u2019s tradition as well. \u00a0When we have time, we like to read David Sedaris\u2019s\u00a0Santaland Diaries<\/em><\/a> out loud (passing the book to the next reader whenever we\u2019re laughing too hard to talk). \u00a0But sometimes, if everyone is tired, we can read a shorter Sedaris story (\u201cSix to Eight Black Men<\/a>\u201c) instead. \u00a0Here\u2019s an excerpt:<\/p>\n

The words silly and unrealistic were redefined when I learned that Saint Nicholas travels with what was consistently described as \u201csix to eight black men.\u201d I asked several Dutch people to narrow it down, but none of them could give me an exact number. It was always \u201csix to eight,\u201d which seems strange, seeing as they\u2019ve had hundreds of years to get a decent count.<\/p>\n

The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-fifties, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends. I think history has proven that something usually comes between slavery and friendship, a period of time marked not by cookies and quiet times beside the fire but by bloodshed and mutual hostility. They have such violence in Holland, but rather than duking it out among themselves, Santa and his former slaves decided to take it out on the public. In the early years, if a child was naughty, Saint Nicholas and the six to eight black men would beat him with what Oscar described as \u201cthe small branch of a tree.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA switch?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d he said. \u201cThat\u2019s it. They\u2019d kick him and beat him with a switch. Then, if the youngster was really bad, they\u2019d put him in a sack and take him back to Spain.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSaint Nicholas would kick you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, not anymore,\u201d Oscar said. \u201cNow he just pretends to kick you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the six to eight black men?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThem, too.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/a>\u2014 3 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

But the most important part of our holiday tradition is\u00a0The Muppet Christmas Carol<\/em>, which is absolutely excellent. \u00a0Michael Caine is Scrooge! \u00a0And here\u2019s how he\u2019s introduced:<\/p>\nhttp:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=KBthi_An5qQ<\/a>\n

And I can\u2019t really only share only<\/em>\u00a0one song. \u00a0Here are the Marleys (as played by Statler and Waldorf):<\/p>\nhttp:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=VsiKOJOXMJU<\/a>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/a>\u2014 4 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

Muppet Christmas Carol<\/em> has been a part of my family\u2019s Christmases for as long as I can remember, but some things are so awesome that they kind of demand a place in your holiday immediately. \u00a0This year, Randall Monroe of xkcd put together some figures on where the Wise Men could have ended up if they\u2019d followed a particular star<\/a>. \u00a0This requires some wacky assumptions:<\/p>\n

If we allow a little theological confusion and assume the wise men can walk on water, they\u2019ll eventually wind up going in an endless circle, 30 kilometers in diameter, around the South Pole.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s be a little more realistic; the wise men are hardly going to walk toward the star while it\u2019s behind the Earth. Let\u2019s assume that they only walk toward the star when it\u2019s in the sky and the Sun has set.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/a>\u2014 5 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

As you might guess, given how much of this blog is devoted to musical theatre, my family doesn\u2019t only have\u00a0one<\/em> classical Christmas musical movie. \u00a0The second is\u00a0Mrs. Santa Claus<\/em> which stars Angela Lansbury as Santa\u2019s wife. \u00a0Around the turn of the century, she gets frustrated that Santa neglects her for his work, and she heads off to New York City, to give him time to miss her. \u00a0While she\u2019s away, she plays yenta, helps organize a factory slowdown, and marches in a suffragette protest. \u00a0Here\u2019s her introduction to the neighborhood:<\/p>\nhttp:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=70e-PW1vofw<\/a>\n

<\/a>\u2014 6 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

One of my favorite Discworld<\/em> novels makes excellent use of Christmas traditions and tropes. \u00a0Here\u2019s how\u00a0Hogfather<\/em><\/a> opens (I really, really recommend it):<\/p>\n

Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree.<\/p>\n

But people have always been dimly aware of the problem with the start of things. They wonder aloud how the snowplow driver gets to work, or how the makers of dictionaries look up the spelling of the words. Yet there is the constant desire to find some point in the twisting, knotting, raveling nets of space-time on which a metaphorical finger can be put to indicate that here, here, is the point where it all began \u2026<\/p>\n

Something began when the Guild of Assassins enrolled Mister Teatime, who saw things differently from other people, and one of the ways that he saw things differently from other people was in seeing other people as things (later, Lord Downey of the Guild said, \u201cWe took pity on him because he\u2019d lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that\u201d).<\/p>\n

But it was much earlier even than that when most people forgot that the very oldest stories are, sooner or later, about blood. Later on they took the blood out to make the stories more acceptable to children, or at least to the people who had to read them to children rather than the children themselves (who, on the whole, are quite keen on blood provided it\u2019s being shed by the deserving*), and then wondered where the stories went.<\/p>\n

* That is to say, those who deserve to shed blood. Or possibly not. You never quite know with some kids.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/a>\u2014 7 \u2014<\/strong><\/p>\n

This New Zealand retelling of the Christmas story is also delightful, but slightly different tonally:<\/p>\n