{"id":6449,"date":"2012-12-30T11:00:42","date_gmt":"2012-12-30T16:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=6449"},"modified":"2012-12-30T12:10:43","modified_gmt":"2012-12-30T17:10:43","slug":"how-do-you-finish-being-angry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2012\/12\/how-do-you-finish-being-angry.html","title":{"rendered":"How do you finish being angry?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

This review of Lawrence Cunningham\u2019s<\/em>\u00a0The Seven Deadly Sins: A Visitor\u2019s Guide<\/a> is part of the Patheos Book Club<\/a>, and my copy was free<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My college debate group had many aphorisms, one of which was, \u201cAll sins are pride.\u201d \u00a0So I read\u00a0The Seven Deadly Sins: A Visitor\u2019s Guide<\/a>\u00a0<\/em>waiting to see what Cunningham had to say about\u00a0my<\/em> sin. \u00a0I didn\u2019t expect to be caught by his meditation on anger\/wrath, which I\u2019ve always thought of as the most boring sin.<\/p>\n

Coming from a background of stoicism, I just see anger as the simplest to avoid. \u00a0It\u2019s always been pretty easy for me to retreat into indifference and impassivity when someone or something ticks me off. \u00a0To lash out just lets them score another point off me; not only did they upset me, but they made me lose control and\u00a0embarrass\u00a0myself. \u00a0Because anger is undisciplined, I\u2019m prone to see it as low-class. \u00a0(See why I\u2019m prone to think all sins are pride?).<\/p>\n

Anger is the only one of the sins that seems totally public, easy for other people to catch you out on. \u00a0But I was thinking about anger a bit narrowly. \u00a0In\u00a0Peter Pan<\/a><\/em>, the narrator informs us that fairies like Tinkerbell can feel only\u00a0one emotion at a time and it consumes them utterly. \u00a0But most people aren\u2019t like that. \u00a0Feelings take a while to dissipate, and sometimes even we can\u2019t tell when we\u2019ve finally let go of our anger.<\/p>\n

I remember in college that there were several fights I had to resolve by explaining to one of the parties that the other person\u00a0wasn\u2019t<\/em> still mad. \u00a0There just isn\u2019t a clear way we show other people we\u2019ve forgiven them and ourselves, so we go by guesswork and projection. \u00a0(All the more reason to wish we had a more ritualized tradition of amends-making<\/a>). \u00a0I don\u2019t usually get visibly angry or remain that way for very long, so my friends usually move on from a spat quickly. \u00a0But I\u2019m not sure that I do.<\/p>\n

When I was at the CFAR minicamp<\/a> this summer, one workshop was focused on noticing anger and moving away from it. \u00a0Our anger can get ahead of us,\u00a0apparent\u00a0to our interlocutor before we\u2019ve acknowledged it. \u00a0The easiest \u2018tell\u2019 is just being on the wrong side of this exchange:<\/p>\n

Stop shouting!<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019M NOT SHOUTING!<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But, ideally, we\u2019d like to notice and deal with our anger several steps further back. \u00a0Before we\u2019re up to the raised voices-stage, we\u2019ve probably already hit the listening uncharitably, arguing in bad faith, and other nasty steps. \u00a0Better to head them off at the pass. \u00a0In that class, we focused on noticing physiological signals of the fight-or-flight response \u2014 remember what a tensed neck\/raised shoulders\/etc feels like, and remember to calm down and reengage next time you notice that signal.<\/p>\n

I think I may have hit on a helpful tell (for me anyway) for slow-burning anger and resentment. \u00a0I imagine stepping off the bus in C.S. Lewis\u2019s allegory\u00a0The Great Divorce<\/a><\/em> and finding that my antagonist is the person who\u2019s come to meet me and lead me onward and upward into Heaven. \u00a0If my first reaction is a flinch (\u201cWhat\u00a0them<\/em>?\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t believe they\u2019re<\/em> already here\u201d or \u201cMust I now allow\u00a0this<\/em> man to hold dominion over me?\u201d), I\u2019m probably still angry.<\/p>\n

Mind you, I don\u2019t know exactly what to do with that knowledge, but forewarned is forearmed, I guess.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This review of Lawrence Cunningham\u2019s\u00a0The Seven Deadly Sins: A Visitor\u2019s Guide is part of the Patheos Book Club, and my copy was free. My college debate group had many aphorisms, one of which was, \u201cAll sins are pride.\u201d \u00a0So I read\u00a0The Seven Deadly Sins: A Visitor\u2019s Guide\u00a0waiting to see what Cunningham had to say about\u00a0my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":6452,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[162,94],"class_list":["post-6449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-reviewsrecommendations","tag-accepting-gifts","tag-anger"],"yoast_head":"\nHow do you finish being angry?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This review of Lawrence Cunningham's\u00a0The Seven Deadly Sins: A Visitor's Guide is part of the Patheos Book Club, and my copy was free. 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