{"id":6716,"date":"2013-01-13T12:37:05","date_gmt":"2013-01-13T17:37:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=6716"},"modified":"2013-01-13T12:37:05","modified_gmt":"2013-01-13T17:37:05","slug":"an-outward-oriented-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2013\/01\/an-outward-oriented-marriage.html","title":{"rendered":"An Outward-Oriented Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u00a0received\u00a0a free review copy of\u00a0<\/em>The Sacred Search<\/a>\u00a0by Gary Thomas as part of the Patheos Book Club<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

At a recent lecture, the speaker explained the difference between apologetics and theology. \u00a0In apologetics, you are writing for the unconverted, so you have to make sure to explain your reasoning and make an aggressive case. \u00a0In theology, you\u2019re writing for people who share the basic tenets of your faith, so you can skip over the background and just plunge deeply into your tradition. \u00a0Although it\u2019s written in a more informal style than academic theology,\u00a0The Sacred Search<\/a>\u00a0by Gary Thomas takes mainstream Christian thought as a starting point, and is probably only of interest to the Christian readers of the blog.<\/p>\n

But I hope there are some good secular alternatives, since his advice is pretty good.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a tendency in some Christian writing about sexuality and marriage to try to match some of the rhetoric of personal fulfillment and pleasure. \u00a0Godly sex is really really awesome sex!<\/em> \u00a0This is unfortunate, as the sheer pleasurability of sex isn\u2019t really the ultimate end of marriage. \u00a0It can certainly be a component, but it shouldn\u2019t be your primary optimization criteria.<\/p>\n

A marriage isn\u2019t two people finding ultimate fulfillment in each other; it\u2019s people joining up as partners to pursue some higher good together, helping each other along out of love for the other, and love for the shared\u00a0telos<\/em> they are pursuing. \u00a0So, Thomas advises, instead of just thinking about how your partner makes you\u00a0feel<\/em>, you should think about how well you work together, and whether you\u2019re trying to pursue the same projects. \u00a0(This tack reminds me of Pope John Paul II\u2019s focus on pedagogy and stewardship as the heart of familial and marital relations in\u00a0Love and Responsibility<\/em><\/a>).<\/p>\n

If you wouldn\u2019t want to be assigned to work with your beloved on a project, then you\u2019re probably headed for some trouble, however much you like zer jokes and smile. \u00a0The responsibility that Thomas is looking forward to is childrearing. \u00a0One of his more interesting strategies he mentions is to think of the rough spots in your relationship not as something that\u00a0you<\/em> will manage to work around, but as something you are signing up your yet-to-be-born children to\u00a0accommodate. \u00a0Better to address the issue now, instead of planning to keep routing around it.<\/p>\n

Thomas does a good job encouraging his readers not to set their expectations sky-high and wait for the ideal person to come along and match them, but to talk to a partner frankly about how both people need to grow and adapt to see if they could manage a marriage. \u00a0And, if you\u2019re shying away from addressing and solving those problems now, you won\u2019t have had any good experiences of discussion to fall back on, when the stakes are high.<\/p>\n

\u2014 \u2014 \u2014<\/p>\n

Of course, I guess I could say that this boils down to the advice I gave a friend who was unsure of whether he and his girlfriend had a future together. \u00a0\u201cYou should build a trebuchet together,\u201d I said. \u00a0\u201cIf you can\u2019t build a siege weapon as partners and enjoy it, then how can you expect to enjoy forming each other\u2019s character and raising children?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u00a0received\u00a0a free review copy of\u00a0The Sacred Search\u00a0by Gary Thomas as part of the Patheos Book Club. At a recent lecture, the speaker explained the difference between apologetics and theology. \u00a0In apologetics, you are writing for the unconverted, so you have to make sure to explain your reasoning and make an aggressive case. \u00a0In theology, you\u2019re […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":6721,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6716","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-2","category-reviewsrecommendations"],"yoast_head":"\nAn Outward-Oriented Marriage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u00a0received\u00a0a free review copy of\u00a0The Sacred Search\u00a0by Gary Thomas as part of the Patheos Book Club. 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