![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/84\/2013\/11\/sex-and-the-single1-941x1024.jpg\" "\\"sex"){kind=spacer}
<\/a><\/p>\nI felt skeptical about\u00a0Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World<\/a>, Marian Jordan Ellis\u2019s book on sexual orthopraxy when I saw the subtitle. \u00a0I strongly prefer the tendency to talk about sexual morality in terms of chastity rather than purity. \u00a0Purity tends to be spoken of as a binary condition which you either possess or have lost. \u00a0Chastity is a practice<\/em> and applies to married people as well as to singles, and is a form of temperance. \u00a0 Chastity restrains excess and enslavement to sexuality in the same way a moderate appetite restrains gluttony.<\/p>\n Luckily, it turns out that, within the book, Ellis is much more likely to talk about sexual ethics in terms of whether they\u2019re compatible with\u00a0cherishing<\/em> and being\u00a0cherished<\/em> by the beloved; in other words, is any particular use of my sexual nature in line with offering\u00a0agape<\/em><\/a>, a Christ-like love to the beloved. \u00a0Unfortunately. since this book is pitched to a Christian audience, there is never much explanation of\u00a0why<\/em> premarital sex or heavy petting is counterproductive to that aim. \u00a0There is never a clear explanation of\u00a0why<\/em>:<\/p>\n Engaging in sexual immorality prior to marriage not only degrades us but robs our future marriage of intimacy. \u00a0Ladies, I will be frank. \u00a0A woman is not cherished who is engaging in oral sex with a man who is not her husband. \u00a0This is a far cry from being a treasure.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n All<\/em>\u00a0sins damage our future relationships the people we love. \u00a0My future spouse (if one exists), will receive me and whatever habits I have trained myself in over the course of daily life and decisions. \u00a0Whether or not I\u2019ve slipped up sexually in that time, I can guarantee that I will have still been wrathful or snide or prideful much more often than is healthful, and that my family, friends, and hypothetical children will have reason to wish I hadn\u2019t trained those sins as habits as often as I do.<\/p>\n The general principle is clear with regard to sins of anger, impatience, callousness, etc, but, since many of Ellis\u2019s readers may\u00a0not<\/em> see physical intimacy as remotely related to the\u00a0obviously<\/em> bad habits that I\u2019ve listed, it\u2019s worth spelling out\u00a0how<\/em> you or others are harmed by sexual indulgence or how we know where the bound between an\u00a0eros<\/em> that is still ruled by\u00a0agape<\/em>, and one that charges on heedlessly.<\/p>\n Ellis recommends not letting a pre-marriage relationship go farther than kissing (no tongues!), and to delay these chaste kisses for as long as possible, since they can be a slippery slope. \u00a0But this kind of prescription always baffles me, especially in books that don\u2019t discuss what comes\u00a0after<\/em> marriage.<\/p>\n In my very admittedly na\u00efve understanding, I can imagine approximating right behavior with one formula, that takes in a number of inputs about my situation (married\/unmarried, particular details about the beloved, etc) and spits out a way of acting and feeling that is kind, patient, and good. \u00a0Somewhat in the spirit of Thomasina\u2019s exclamation in Arcadia<\/em><\/a>:<\/p>\n If you could stop every atom in its position and direction, and if your mind could comprehend all the actions thus suspended, then if you were really,\u00a0really\u00a0<\/em>good at algebra you could write the formula for all the future; and although nobody can be so clever as to do it, the formula must exist just as if one could.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n So, unless there\u2019s a binary variable in front of lust that sets its value to zero, provided \u201cMarried == TRUE\u201d, there should be a slightly more general way of explaining why not to go too beyond kissing that isn\u2019t just\u00a0slippery slope<\/em>. \u00a0In fairness,\u00a0Sex and the Single Girl<\/em> isn\u2019t representing itself as an apologetic work, but a practical guide for how to stick to the form of chastity that you and the author have previously concluded is correct, but, personally, I always feel most supported when I get to look again at all the moving parts of my ethics and remember, \u201cOh,\u00a0this<\/em> is why I\u2019m not yelling\/phoning person X\/etc.\u201d<\/p>\n But I\u2019m still a bit skeptical of just setting yourself very<\/em> conservative guardrails to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. \u00a0After all, I look askance at one other safety measure that Ellis prescribes:<\/p>\n [M]any women date men who are not Christians. \u00a0This is a big danger zone! \u00a0\u2026Sexual purity is hard enough for two committed Christians, but when you willingly date someone who does not love God, you are fighting a losing battle. \u00a0This man will not honor your purity or seek to treat you as Christ would<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And this is why I find it weird to talk about \u2018cherishing\u2019 solely in the context of chastity. \u00a0A girlfriend who sees no reason to abstain may still do so out of respect for her boyfriend\u2019s wishes. \u00a0And, in my case anyway, sexual purity tends not to be the primary front I\u2019m fighting on anyway. \u00a0I\u2019m much worse on callousness and uncharity, and both my boyfriends, Christian or not, have supported me in that struggle.<\/p>\n Someone who\u00a0cherishes<\/em> you will respect your values and help you develop them or respect you enough to argue you out of them on the merits, whether or not you continue to date. \u00a0Any reluctance to do that would be a much bigger warning sign to me than kissing with tongues.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n I received a free copy of\u00a0<\/em>Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World<\/a>\u00a0as part of the Patheos Book club. \u00a0You can check out other reviews and a Q&A with the author here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I felt skeptical about\u00a0Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World, Marian Jordan Ellis\u2019s book on sexual orthopraxy when I saw the subtitle. \u00a0I strongly prefer the tendency to talk about sexual morality in terms of chastity rather than purity. \u00a0Purity tends to be spoken of as a binary condition […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":8364,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n