{"id":9972,"date":"2014-07-24T15:09:12","date_gmt":"2014-07-24T19:09:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/?p=9972"},"modified":"2014-07-28T12:44:23","modified_gmt":"2014-07-28T16:44:23","slug":"missing-facets-of-a-friendship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unequallyyoked\/2014\/07\/missing-facets-of-a-friendship.html","title":{"rendered":"Missing Facets of a Friendship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

This post is one in a series on friendship<\/a>, explored through the lenses of Stephen Sondheim\u2019s\u00a0<\/em>Merrily We Roll Along<\/a>\u00a0and C.S. Lewis\u2019s\u00a0<\/em>The Four Loves<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

In Merrily We Roll Along<\/em>, composer Frank loses his friendship with his writing partner, Charlie, but their mutual friend, Mary, manages to stay close to both of them for a while afterwards, before she and Frank have their final fight. \u00a0But, as Lewis would argue, Mary is impoverished by her friends\u2019 falling out, even though she continues to see both of them separately. \u00a0Lewis writes in\u00a0The Four Loves<\/em>:<\/p>\n

Lamb says somewhere that if, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A but \u201cA\u2019s part in C\u201d, while C loses not only A but \u201cA\u2019s part in B\u201d. In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald\u2019s reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him \u201cto myself\u201d now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. Hence true Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, \u201cHere comes one who will augment our loves.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Mary loses parts of her friends when they stop seeing each other, parts that she can\u2019t draw out again by herself. \u00a0I\u2019ve had that kind of loss of a facet of a friend due to changed contexts, as well as lost companions. \u00a0When my friends and I graduated from college, and no longer had twice-weekly (at least!) debates, I lost some of the intimacy and delight that had been revealed specifically by that context.<\/p>\n

A similar thing can happen when a romantic relationship dissolves, and the two former innamorati settle into a new kind of amity. \u00a0They may be closer than they were before the romantic relationship blossomed and faded, but some parts of themselves won\u2019t be present as they were when they cuddled together watching a movie or went out dancing or whatever the contextual equivalent of \u2018Charles\u2019 is here.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve dated two people, and remained friends with both, but, both times, I was pretty sad about having less of the person I loved due to our changed circumstances. \u00a0I\u2019m a little perplexed about\u00a0how<\/em> one is supposed to go about dating seriously five, ten, or fifteen people in order to find one that it makes sense to marry. \u00a0It\u2019s exhausting to imagine forming these kinds of bonds and then losing part of them a dozen times on the way to discernment.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t often see this consideration raised, except by the folks who tend to talk in terms of \u201cemotional chastity\u201d and \u201cemotional promiscuity\u201d which comes off a lot more pejorative than Lewis\u2019s simple discussion of loss. \u00a0I\u2019d be curious about how you commenters handle this problem (or if you experience it as a problem at all).<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post is one in a series on friendship, explored through the lenses of Stephen Sondheim\u2019s\u00a0Merrily We Roll Along\u00a0and C.S. Lewis\u2019s\u00a0The Four Loves. In Merrily We Roll Along, composer Frank loses his friendship with his writing partner, Charlie, but their mutual friend, Mary, manages to stay close to both of them for a while afterwards, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":127,"featured_media":9976,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[196],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9972","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-2"],"yoast_head":"\nMissing Facets of a Friendship<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This post is one in a series on friendship, explored through the lenses of Stephen Sondheim\u2019s\u00a0Merrily We Roll Along\u00a0and C.S. Lewis\u2019s\u00a0The Four Loves. 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