{"id":5115,"date":"2015-07-27T06:47:37","date_gmt":"2015-07-27T12:47:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/unfundamentalistchristians\/?p=5115"},"modified":"2016-04-19T17:17:10","modified_gmt":"2016-04-19T23:17:10","slug":"i-would-have-defended-my-abuser-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/unfundamentalistchristians\/2015\/07\/i-would-have-defended-my-abuser-too\/","title":{"rendered":"I Would Have Defended My Abuser, Too"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"water\"<\/p>\n

Last week, I learned that the Duggar family will be participating in a documentary<\/a> on child sex abuse in conjunction with Darkness to Light<\/a> and Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network<\/a> (RAINN).<\/p>\n

Last month, Jill and Jessa Duggar appeared on Fox News<\/a> to talk about their abuse experience and how they\u2019ve forgiven their brother Josh for molesting them. In the interview, the young women minimized what was done to them, saying that Josh was merely \u201csexually curious\u201d and that the abuse wasn\u2019t that bad.<\/p>\n

Though it turned my stomach, it did not surprise me at all. Had a TV reporter sat down with me at age 24, I would have said pretty much the same thing.<\/strong><\/p>\n

At age 8, I was similarly molested by someone close to me. At the time the abuse occurred, I knew that it was wrong, or at least very weird. But I didn\u2019t understand it.<\/strong> Growing up in fundamentalism means that you often don\u2019t have words to explain experiences that occur outside of your worldview\u2013words like rape<\/em>, consent<\/em>, agency<\/em>, autonomy<\/em>, erotic<\/em>, vagina<\/em>, and molestation<\/em>. For the first three years post-abuse, I was confused about what happened. I wasn\u2019t angry, just confused. I didn\u2019t know what had happened to me or how to contextualize it.<\/p>\n

But then, when I was about 11 years old, the reality hit me out of the blue. Suddenly, I had a word to explain my experience. And with that word came the rage<\/em>. I knew then, without a doubt, that I had been violated in a very terrible way.<\/p>\n

The word gave me power. But it was a power I was not free to exercise. My abuser approached me one day for a hug, and I refused. Another family member, unaware of the abuse, was present and struck me angrily across the back, hard enough to nearly take the wind out of me. \u201cDon\u2019t treat him that way,\u201d they said. \u201cThat\u2019s rude. You don\u2019t do that to people who love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

So I hugged him. Later, I wrote him poems. I made him cards. I gave him gifts. I loved him so well, I fooled everyone\u2013including myself.<\/p>\n

And the thing is, in spite of how angry and violated I felt, I wanted<\/em> to love him. I wanted our relationship to be good. And he apologized for the abuse.<\/em> He said he regretted it. That should have made everything ok, right?<\/p>\n

Except, it didn\u2019t. Every time he hugged me, or smiled at me, or told me I was pretty, I felt sick inside. Was that compliment innocent? Or was he sexualizing my body again? Was he being genuinely affectionate? Or was he getting off on touching me?<\/p>\n

There were times I didn\u2019t have to wonder.<\/p>\n

Yet I prayed. I prayed for God to help me forgive so I wouldn\u2019t be so angry. So I wouldn\u2019t shudder every time he touched me. If I could just get over the pain and revulsion caused by this one night of abuse, we could have a normal, healthy relationship. It would be a wonderful testimony of God\u2019s restorative power.<\/p>\n

I finally got to a point in my early 20\u2019s where I believed I had forgiven and healed as much as was possible. If Megyn Kelly had dragged me on national TV then, I would have said that I had forgiven. I had moved on. The problem was taken care of. My abuser was sorry. It was just a mistake, a moment of weakness on his part. I would have said that my abuser was really a good person on the inside. A gentle man. A Christian man. Someone who had helped and was loved by so many people. And it would not have been a lie. I believed it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I believed it until the wounds overwhelmed me and I fell apart two years ago.<\/p>\n

I believed it until I saw my abuser for who he really was.<\/p>\n

To really see the truth, I had more words to learn. I had to learn what repentance<\/em> really means. I had to learn about entitlement<\/em>. I had to learn about trauma<\/em>, remorse<\/em> and amends<\/em>. I had to learn about perversion<\/em> and covert incest<\/em>. These words brought me into the true reality of my experience. It was only then that I understood that the abuse was not merely a \u201cmistake.\u201d It was not just a \u201cshortcoming.\u201d It was coercion<\/em>. It was calculated exploitation<\/em> of my trust, powerlessness, and na\u00efvet\u00e9 by an authority figure who fancied himself entitled to my body. It was annihilation<\/em> of my innocence and personhood.<\/p>\n

Only after learning these words did I feel the full horror of what had been done to me. And only that has given me the power to heal and set necessary boundaries in my life.<\/p>\n

My abuser says he is sorry. He has sobbed whenever I have mentioned the abuse. But he is not<\/em> repentant.<\/strong> How do I know? Because he still won\u2019t acknowledge that he has a problem. He still won\u2019t seek professional counseling. He feels he has suffered enough and thinks he doesn\u2019t deserve to have boundaries set against him.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I feel compelled to speak out on the Duggar issue. I know what it\u2019s like to live in a strict religious community that deprives victims of the language that would help them properly contextualize their experience. I know what it\u2019s like to feel obligated to forgive and reconcile for the sake of one\u2019s Christian witness. I know what it\u2019s like to desperately want to love someone close to you and, thus, choose to view their horrible actions as simply \u201cmistakes.\u201d When Jill and Jessa say they\u2019ve forgiven, I believe it. I believe it because I\u2019ve been in their shoes. Just a few years ago, I would have defended my abuser, too. And meant it.<\/p>\n

I just pray Jill and Jessa have been given the proper tools and space to heal.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\n

\"AprilAbout April Kelsey<\/strong>
\nApril Kelsey is the author of the blog Revolutionary Faith<\/a>. She lives in Virginia with her husband, two sons and two cats. Her life goal is to put the final nail in the coffin that is Christian fundamentalism.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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