Long time reader and friend of Vox Nova, Adam V, who has his own blog, Adam V’s Blog, has written this post for the readers of Vox Nova. Please consider what he is saying and try to think with him the issues he has brought up. Thoughtful responses would be appreciated.
…
Has anybody ever had a day that caused them to ask deeper questions about why things are the way they are? I turned 29 two weeks ago, and my birthday turned out to be one of those days. People were constantly pointing out that I didn’t have children. And so I spent the bulk of my birthday explaining to others why I do not have children. For these last two weeks, I have been wondering why so many people asked me, and why people’s reaction to my answers were so uniform. To help me get at some of what’s going on here, I was wondering if Vox Nova readers could help me think through some of this.
When I’m asked why I do not have children, directly or indirectly, my answer is pretty standard. My wife, an accountant, is on the road a lot and I have a job that requires me to work evenings. So when my wife is home its not unusual for me to be gone three or four evenings. This means that a lot of the time we aren’t around each other to try to conceive children.
But for many people this answer is inadequate. What usually follows from here is an awkward and uncomfortable mixture of information (the “too much” variety), personal history and impromptu spiritual direction. The information and life story can be forgiven, I suppose—While I never solicit it, the advice is usually as uncomfortable for the conferee and it is for myself—it’s the spiritual direction that simultaneously baffles and infuriates me. I originally suspected that I kept encountering this due to the circles I ran in, but the longer I was married the more broadly it happened. And I have been genuinely surprised by how widespread the belief that a lack of children is a signifier of an inadequate spirituality is. One of thing I noticed is that occasionally other people will seem anxious about it, but anxious “for me.”
Where does all this come from? My suspicion is that this all has to do with something I call American Social Religion.
American Social Religion is a complement to American Civil Religion, and represents the compromises adherents of monotheistic faiths need to make in order to operate within capitalist/liberal democratic society. These compromises can vary from relaxed attitudes toward usury or to personalizing religious devotion by stripping it of its social aspects.
I suspect “Social Religion” was brought about by the transition of monarchies into liberal democracies. The ancient belief that leadership is a direct result of a special blessing from God dispersed as political power became more dispersed. Over time this theme of blessing changed from recognition of divinely granted office, authority or use to being synonymous with “fortune.”
In this setting we see that the emphasis on “family” is a key component of American Social Religion. Media outlets maintain whole networks related to family, huge sectors of the economy market directly to children and to “families” as a unit. But childless married couples are never included. Childbearing is the societal transition that ushers married couples into the completeness of “family” and full participation in the capitalist economy. This confusion of religious and economic benefit of childbearing creates a situation where the lack of children, after a “honeymoon” period, causes suspicion or anxiety among others.
At least this is what I’ve come up with. I’m putting this out there for two reasons. 1) I wonder if people have had similar run-ins and 2) I am curious how you see the social drapery around child bearing and rearing. Positive? Negative? Let me know in the comments.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In