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When we look at an abuse case, it\u2019s easy to make the mistake of believing there are only two parties involved: the predator and the victim.<\/p>\n
But there\u2019s a third party who is often present: the bystander.<\/p>\n
We put most of the burden of stopping predators onto the shoulders of their victims. We demand an already vulnerable person report their abuse and go through that grueling (and often spiritually and psychological damaging) process with very little hope of a positive outcome.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it all seems hopeless, but there are plenty of things bystanders can do to create an environment where abusers can\u2019t hide.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re doing any of these things, I encourage you to reflect on what sort of impact those actions have.<\/p>\n
Do you pretend abuse doesn\u2019t happen or couldn\u2019t happen in your church?<\/h3>\n
Abuse can happen in any church. Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Mennonite\u2026 It doesn\u2019t matter. We all have abuse in our churches that goes unchallenged. We all have enablers who aren\u2019t committing the abuse, but are the reason it\u2019s allowed to go on.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s the thing: Everyone knows.<\/em><\/strong> Everyone knows we have an abuse problem. People already (rightly) have concerns about trusting us. It\u2019s not helpful to pretend it isn\u2019t going on.<\/p>\n We might think we\u2019re protecting the reputation of a religious community we love. Really, we\u2019re just signaling to everyone out there that we don\u2019t take abuse seriously.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you are abused in my church, oh well, because I\u2019ll ignore it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n A few years ago, I was looking into going back to church after steering clear of Christians for about ten years. As a survivor of a church and a Christian college that enabled abusive behaviors, it was seriously stressful. I couldn\u2019t walk into a church building without asking myself, \u201cWhat if it happens here too? What if all<\/em> churches are full of enablers?\u201d<\/p>\n The first Sunday I visited an ELCA church, I hung around after service for coffee and a group of women surrounded me. We did the typical get-to-know-you introductions, and then they started telling me everything that was wrong with their church, right down to the \u201cold bitty\u201d who chased off the teenage drummer because he wore a hat in the sanctuary.<\/p>\n It may sound strange, but that\u2019s what kept me walking through their door until I moved. I can\u2019t trust a church who puts on a fake smile and pretends it doesn\u2019t have some dirt under the pews. But I can<\/em> trust a church that\u2019s willing to warn me about the dangers I might face.<\/p>\n We need to set realistic expectations. We don\u2019t need to pretend to be a safe place if we aren\u2019t. Right now, we aren\u2019t. That doesn\u2019t mean nobody should come. I mean, I\u2019m here, right? What it means is we need to be honest because honesty goes a long way toward keeping people safe.<\/p>\n The reality is, there are predators inside the walls. We need to warn people about that and do everything we can to keep them safe while we work toward making the church a place that actually is<\/em> safe.<\/p>\n I always have to get this out of the way before talking about purity culture. There\u2019s nothing wrong with chastity. I\u2019m not advocating for premarital sex.<\/p>\n Now that I\u2019ve said that, Christian purity culture is mostly garbage. (Fight me IRL. Except don\u2019t because I\u2019m a pacifist and my nose is already a little crooked.)<\/em><\/p>\n If we\u2019re focusing on physical purity (virginity) too much, what sort of a message does that sent to victims of sexual abuse?<\/p>\n When you tell someone they\u2019re \u201cdamaged goods\u201d or have less value as a future spouse just because they\u2019ve had sex outside of marriage, how do you think that makes a rape victim feel? Do you think he or she might be less likely to report their sexual assault so they won\u2019t carry around the stigma of not being a virgin anymore? (The answer is yes. I\u2019ve heard plenty of those stories from survivors.)<\/p>\n If we\u2019re squeamish about naming body parts and how they function, how is a victim supposed to report their abuse? They don\u2019t have the vocabulary for it or they\u2019re too embarrassed to talk about it.<\/p>\n Talking openly about our bodies doesn\u2019t lead to wild sex parties. It leads to people feeling comfortable with their bodies. It leads to less shame and fewer opportunities for abusers to take advantage of someone\u2019s ignorance or embarrassment.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve spoken about abuse in the church, what have you said? Have you spoken about victims as if they\u2019re threatening the church by coming forward? That they might undermine the authority of the church and lead people away?<\/p>\n Are you wording your statements to sound like you view victims as more of a threat than predators?<\/p>\n Do you pick apart a victim\u2019s story when you aren\u2019t part of the official investigation?<\/p>\n Do you gossip about the victim? (Let me be clear: Outing abusers is not gossip. Sharing information about the victim that has nothing to do with the abuse case is gossip.)<\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to say things that make it harder for victims to feel safe coming forward. We have to be especially careful when talking about these cases. We can\u2019t send signals (even unintentionally) that would make a victim less likely to come forward.<\/p>\n Christians love a good redemption story. It validates us. If someone could go around doing awful things, then repent and change their lives, that means we\u2019ve been getting it right this whole time.<\/p>\n But we have to face it. A sexual predator is very unlikely to truly repent and change their ways. Just because it\u2019s possible doesn\u2019t make it probable.<\/p>\n When we rally around a predator and offer them forgiveness (which isn\u2019t ours to offer if he hasn\u2019t abused us), we think we\u2019re doing the Christian thing.<\/p>\n When we pop off with, \u201cWe\u2019re all sinners,\u201d or, \u201cThe church is a hospital for the sick,\u201d we\u2019re minimizing the abuse. We want to be forgiven for all the things we\u2019ve done, so we rush to offer that same forgiveness to predators. In some cases, it\u2019s more about us feeling better about our own sins than it is about what the predator has done.<\/p>\n While we\u2019re surrounding the predator, what are we doing for the victim?<\/p>\n It\u2019s often easier to support the predator instead of the victim. The predator, who has already demonstrated he can\u2019t be trusted, knows all the right things to say. He wants us to forgive him, which doesn\u2019t just let him off the hook. It lets us off the hook too. Because if we believe he\u2019s changed, we don\u2019t have to do anything.<\/p>\n On the other hand, the victim\u2019s very presence demands we make uncomfortable, difficult decisions.<\/p>\n Are we supporting the predator because we truly believe he\u2019s changed, or are we supporting the predator because we don\u2019t want to change?<\/p>\n When a victim comes forward, it\u2019s inappropriate to demand forgiveness from them. Leave some room for the Holy Spirit to work, y\u2019all.<\/p>\n Forgiveness is wonderful, but it\u2019s not really forgiveness if it\u2019s coerced. And that\u2019s what we usually do. We pressure victims into forgiveness.<\/p>\n Forgiveness is a process that can\u2019t be rushed. It\u2019s much healthier for a victim to go through their process of healing at their own rate, without anyone from the outside trying to speed them through.<\/p>\n It\u2019s OK for a victim to be angry. It can even be good. Often, we\u2019ve had to bottle our emotions up to survive and that\u2019s unhealthy. That expression of anger that you see as such a threat isn\u2019t a threat at all. It\u2019s a balm.<\/p>\n Some of us need to experience that anger before we can move to the next step. That doesn\u2019t mean we sit around and punch walls all day. It doesn\u2019t mean that we live with bitterness the rest of our lives. It means we are finally allowing ourselves the room to express those emotions.<\/p>\n (If you have an issue with people expressing their emotions, take it up with Mr. Rogers.)<\/p>\n In my experience, the most damaging reacts I received were from people who dismissed my pain by telling me I needed to forgive.<\/p>\n I was never able to do that until I ran across a group of Christians who didn\u2019t tell me to forgive. They told me I had a right to be angry. Some of them even got angry on my behalf. And it was that \u201cpermission to feel\u201d from other Christians that allowed me to finally work through the anger so I could get to a point where I could forgive.<\/p>\n We know we\u2019re supposed to forgive others. You aren\u2019t giving anyone new information when you say that. If you really want to help someone through that process (instead of just wanting to prove you\u2019re The Very Best Christian), then sit with a victim in their anger and tell them it\u2019s normal to feel that way. There\u2019s nothing sinful about being angry in the face of injustice.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n It\u2019s tempting to feel powerless in the face of so much abuse, but that doesn\u2019t mean we have no<\/em> power.<\/p>\n Leadership needs to step up and deal with this, but I\u2019m not in that type of position.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not a decision-maker within the church, but I can make decisions that influence the culture. I believe we must change parts of our culture to end abuse. I can influence the culture of the church from where I\u2019m at. I can support victims and do whatever I can to make it safer for future victims to come forward.<\/p>\n I\u2019m responsible for the way I react to abuse. I have a responsibility not to become an enabler.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When we look at an abuse case, it\u2019s easy to make the mistake of believing there are only two parties involved: the predator and the victim. But there\u2019s a third party who is often present: the bystander. We put most of the burden of stopping predators onto the shoulders of their victims. We demand an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3634,"featured_media":141,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,54,10],"tags":[57,13,16,63,19,66,60,25,69],"class_list":["post-129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-catholicism","category-christianity","category-church-trauma","tag-abuse","tag-catholicism","tag-christianity","tag-church-abuse","tag-church-trauma","tag-predators","tag-sexual-abuse","tag-survivor","tag-victim"],"yoast_head":"\nDo you focus on physical purity too much?<\/h3>\n
Do you make it dangerous for victims to come forward?<\/h3>\n
Do you focus on extending forgiveness and help to the predator while ignoring their victim?<\/h3>\n
Do you immediately jump to \u201cforgiveness\u201d when a victim comes forward?<\/h3>\n