A 2009 calendar mocking the idea that Father Knows Best.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>When Zach was first born and I was unsure of how to keep him alive, let alone help him grow up to be kind and generous and able to fix a toaster, Jeff and I would fight. \u00a0Jeff thought that Zach was gaining weight just fine; I thought we should take him in to the office to put him on the postal scale. He thought giving Zach a pacifier was fine; I thought it would doom him to a life of insecure attachment. \u00a0He thought Zach\u2019s latch was just fine; I thought my nipples were going to spontaneously combust.<\/p>\n
At some point in those first trying days, I decided that I needed to be the number one parent.\u00a0 \u201cLook,\u201d I told Jeff, \u201cthere\u2019s every reason to believe that your idea is as good as mine.\u00a0 For most of this stuff, we just need to pick a strategy and go with it. But for now, unless you are convinced that I\u2019m absolutely wrong, I need us to go with my way.\u00a0 If I\u2019m gonna have the confidence I need to do this well, I need to be the number one parent.\u201d<\/p>\n
You may read that and be horrified.\u00a0 And I could see even then that it was immature.\u00a0 But I was so overwhelmed by this colicky, reflux-y, poop and vomit machine, the baby who turned blue in the hospital, set off his sleep monitor, and refused to eat for what seemed like weeks, that I needed to tell myself that I was heroically capable of raising him.\u00a0 Loving him wasn\u2019t a problem \u2013 the smell of his milky breath and the feel of his brand-new skin melted my heart.\u00a0 Raising him, though, was a different story.<\/p>\n
So we made a crazy deal in those first months.\u00a0 I would be the number one parent and Jeff would be the support staff.\u00a0 He would bolster my confidence and love on Zach.\u00a0 I would raise our children and Jeff would love them.\u00a0 We never said any of this, of course, but it\u2019s what took shape over the years.<\/p>\n
Couples divide up areas of concern and responsibility in all kinds of ways. And rarely are those divisions absolute. \u00a0Jeff did plenty of raising: leading family devotions and doling out fatherly advice and swift justice, to name but a few. \u00a0I did plenty of loving: nibbling their toes, throwing family dance parties, and riding bikes along the river, to name but a few. \u00a0It wasn\u2019t absolute. \u00a0But it was there.<\/p>\n
Our division was probably inevitable given our personalities, but it was kick started by a lie. \u00a0What could have been comfortable and complimentary styles became in my mind a battle for parental superiority. \u00a0I began to believe that\u00a0I was actually the better parent.<\/p>\n
So when Dr. Mark said that Zach was calmer and more focused when he was with Jeff than when he was with me<\/a>, it threw me off. \u00a0I don\u2019t think it\u2019s just my foolish desire to be the better parent that led to my surprise, either. \u00a0If you watch sitcoms, follow the latest research about boys\u2019 performance in school, or read popular media, you can get the feeling that men are an inferior sex, good only for taking out the garbage, having sex, and waging war.<\/p>\nThat lie needs to be torn apart and thrown away. Father does not know best. \u00a0But neither does Mother. \u00a0I am not the number one parent. \u00a0Nor am I from the better gender. \u00a0I\u2019m just a momma doing the best she can. \u00a0And so very grateful I\u2019m not doing it alone.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When Zach was first born and I was unsure of how to keep him alive, let alone help him grow up to be kind and generous and able to fix a toaster, Jeff and I would fight. \u00a0Jeff thought that Zach was gaining weight just fine; I thought we should take him in to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":190,"featured_media":1298,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[167,168,166],"class_list":["post-1282","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-father-knows-best","tag-fatherhood","tag-gender-roles-in-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n
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