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{"id":8005,"date":"2016-01-11T06:10:15","date_gmt":"2016-01-11T11:10:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/whitehindu\/?p=8005"},"modified":"2016-01-09T21:33:00","modified_gmt":"2016-01-10T02:33:00","slug":"emotional-masochism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/whitehindu\/2016\/01\/emotional-masochism\/","title":{"rendered":"Emotional Masochism"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Over the last several years I have become much more emotionally healthy. I think a lot of us have issues with emotional health in our teens and twenties. Part of moving out of that is just time and experience. Part of it for me has been my relationship with my husband. It\u2019s hard for my self-esteem to be low when he gushes over how great I am every day!<\/span><\/p>\n

But last night I felt a familiar ache in my chest.<\/span><\/p>\n

And, as is my habit, I leaned into the bad feeling. I enjoyed it. I was almost comforted by it as my mind fanned the flames, telling me how worthless and terrible I was. It got me wondering why I do this. There is some kind of pleasure that comes from beating up on myself mentally.<\/span><\/p>\n

To explain a bit more about what was going on, there is a woman around my age who doesn\u2019t like me and I don\u2019t know why. This happens, of course. Sometimes people just don\u2019t like you. But I\u2019m a people-pleaser and it\u2019s very painful to me when someone hates me. I can understand that not everyone \u201cgets\u201d me. I\u2019m a fairly quirky person. But I hope that I\u2019m still likable. This woman is a friend of my best friend. I grew up with my best friend and several years ago I moved to where she had moved. I joined her new group of friends, but this one person never accepted me. Six years later we awkwardly pretend the other doesn\u2019t exist and we both see my best friend separately. I don\u2019t often think of her. But hanging out with my friend this woman was mentioned off-hand and that night my mind started in on me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe, it said, you aren\u2019t likable at all. Maybe no one likes you. Maybe she\u2019s right about you. Maybe you\u2019re a bad person.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m assuming most people have experienced this evil voice in your mind. It causes a deep ache in my chest. But the weird thing is that I seem to like that ache. I seem to, in some way, enjoy my mind berating me.<\/span><\/p>\n

It used to happen a lot when I was in college, when I was in love with someone who didn\u2019t love me back<\/a>. And I kind of enjoyed the pain of unrequited love. I enjoyed telling myself that I didn\u2019t deserve him, that I didn\u2019t deserve love, that I wasn\u2019t good enough.<\/p>\n

So now as I think about it, I wonder if I do that because it reassures me that I\u2019m not being arrogant. It\u2019s like I\u2019m afraid if I don\u2019t do this, then the Gods won\u2019t know that I recognize my flaws. Is this a way of being humble? Or a defense mechanism of \u201cYou can\u2019t hurt me because I already know I\u2019m bad\u201d? Do I think I\u2019m a better person if I hate myself? Or do I like to cast myself as a victim and use my mind as the oppressor I don\u2019t have?<\/span><\/p>\n

And whatever the reason, how messed up is that?!<\/span><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"