<\/span>\nQuestion: What is your opinion on marriage? Is it attachment itself? And, is that a negative thing?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\nI was reading a book by Anthony De Mello\u2026THE WAY OF LOVE. He says, \u201cIf you seek to make yourself special to anyone\u2014that is attachment\u2026you will lose your freedom\u2026and you will suffer.\u201d If so, how does one deal with a marriage partnership? If I observe myself, I am very much in this with my partner\u2014not married yet. I feel it is a bit of a crippling fact at times. I think the fear of loss of the person is a factor\u2026also, anticipation of \u201crejection\u201d is another factor.<\/span><\/span><\/span>
<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nDe Mello offers three solutions\u2026one, see it is a concept and not true\u2026\u201dI can\u2019t live without this person\u201d being the unspoken idea\u2026two, see\/experience the joy of not attaching in your everyday life, and three, learn to enjoy a variety of things so that you don\u2019t fixate on any one thing\u2026vs. this \u201cI need this one thing to complete me\u201d type of issue. <\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span>
<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\nIf so though, if you did these things, would you even marry someone?<\/span><\/span>
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<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nResponse: I\u2019ve been married a couple times. Neither really worked well, that is, I wasn\u2019t willing and\/or able to do what was necessary to stay in the marriages. Now I\u2019m happy to be in a relationship but not married \u2026 so I\u2019m not only prejudiced but may not be qualified to respond in any way that is generalizable to your life. But who is?\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nI remember years ago seeing a <\/span>Kahawai<\/span><\/span> newsletter from Robert Aitken\u2019s group. A woman writer addressed the issue of relationships and Zen and said something like, \u201cWhat did Dogen know about love? He never got laid even once.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nI agree so far \u2013 what other\u2019s say, laid or unlaid, about one\u2019s intimate relationship is at best, hooey. In the same vein, for the State to set the terms on who can do what (consenting adults, of course) and decide who can marry and who can\u2019t is just nutty. Whatever happened to limits of power?\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nAnd a few more things\u2026.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nFor starters, it seems to me that it doesn\u2019t matter so much whether we are married or in committed intimate relationship or not. Make a choice and then live it, knowing that few relationships are really for life. So then really appreciate each moment and be as kind as possible.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nWhat matters is if we\u2019re living a life we can live fully. You know, wholeheartedly. \u00a0All sorts of material will come up if you get married or if you don\u2019t. So what?<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nAnother thing, in my view, is that to be in a relationship (or have kids) and not be \u201cattached\u201d (i.e., \u201cconnected\u201d) is great bo-hooey.\u00a0PyschoSpiritual babble. If someone advises you to live your one great life as a by-stander, run for it. \u00a0You ain\u2019t really in relationship if you ain\u2019t attached, baby.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nTo be attached and free \u2013 now that\u2019s interesting to me. Anyway, where are you going to be free but somewhere, with someone? Freedom alone on an iceberg in the North Atlantic doesn\u2019t appeal to me nor does it sound like freedom.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\nAnyway, life is a swirl. Dog and boy, lover and beloved, life and death. Sameness and difference. And, speaking of which, it also seems to me that men are often worried about getting engulfed in sameness (while yearning for it) and women are often worried about being penetrated by difference (while yearning for it). Now that\u2019s a swirl.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n\u201cWhat about when the 10,000 things come at you all at once?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n\u201cJust don\u2019t avoid them,\u201d said the author of a beautiful part of the Soto liturgy, <\/span>The Harmony of Difference and Sameness.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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